A Brief Taxonomy of Pro-Lifers
August 20th, 2022 Barry Posted in Abortion, Barry's favorites, Sexism & Misogyny | No Comments »
“Support me on Patreon or there will be no more cartoons,” said the Boy who Cried No Cartoons. But the people didn’t support him on Patreon, and yet there kept being more cartoons, and that’s how everybody knew the Boy Who Cried No Cartoons was bullshit. So everyone in town got together and dragged the Boy out of bed and beat the Boy with sticks, until the Boy burst open and hundreds of new cartoons burst out, and then everyone had all the cartoons they could eat and more they could burn for warmth and life was good.
TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON
This cartoon has twelve panels, arranged in a 3×4 grid. Each cartoon has a large caption, and below the caption, a character that the caption refers to.
At the very top of the cartoon, large letters in a friendly font say:
A BRIEF TAXONOMY OF PRO LIFERS
PANEL 1
A woman is weeping so copiously that the air around her is being filled with dozens of flying teardrops.
CAPTION: CRY BABY
WOMAN: Poor babies! Babies, babies babies! I’ll support anything to save babies!
WOMAN: (Just the unborn ones.)
PANEL 2
An older man wearing a suit and tie is speaking to an off-panel reporter (although we can see the reporter’s hand holding out a microphone. In letters so tiny no one will ever read them, a logo on the mic says “LOGO”).
CAPTION: WOMAN’S BODY KNOWER
MAN: In a rape the woman’s body just shuts that down, abortion is never needed to save a life, and if a woman swallows a pill it comes out her vagina. It’s just science!
REPORTER: Thank you, Senator.
PANEL 3
A man with a mustache holds up one hand, palm out, while his other hand holds a bible against his chest. He has his eyes closed and looks reverent. In the background, we can see some church-style fancy windows.
CAPTION: DEFINITELY NOT A THEOCRAT
MAN: I only want to force everyone to follow my religion’s rules. How does that make me a “theocrat”?
PANEL 4
A redheaded woman is, through a cartoon effect, turning her head rapidly and showing two different expressions. The first expression is angry (and she’s shaking a fist on that side); the second expression is extremely calm, and she’s holding up an index finger as if making an academic point.
CAPTION: THE SLUT SHAMER
WOMAN: DIRTY SLUTS MUST BE PUNISHED!
WOMAN: I mean, “take responsibility for their choices.”
PANEL 5
An angry white man, with messy hair and radiating waves of angry energy, is holding up his smartphone facing towards us, as he yells at us.
CAPTION: RACE OBSESSED WHITEY
MAN: Some Blacks have abortions which makes liberals the real racists MARGARET SANGER RACIST GENOCIDE!
MAN (smaller letters): Watch these videos they’ll only take 3 or 4 hours.
PANEL 6
A teenage girl looks at the reader with wide, sincere eyes. She’s holding a big sign which says “Abortion Murders Babies.”
CAPTION: THE SPECIAL ONE
GIRL: I’m different! I needed my abortion! My whole life could have been upended!
PANEL 7
A woman wearing a ringer tee-shirt with a smiley-face “Woman” symbol on it speaks angrily towards the viewer, waving her arms.
CAPTION: THE PRO-LIFE “FEMINIST”
WOMAN: Nothing’s more sexist than allowing women to make essential personal choices for ourselves!
PANEL 8
A handsome man with tidy hair is grinning hugely as he speaks to us. He’s sweating copiously and his tongue is hanging out of his mouth, both cartoonese for “this person is a horny pervert.”
CAPTION: SADIST BY JESUS-PROXY
MAN: BABY-KILLER! Jesus will burn you in hell for a million years! Endless pain in the flames!
MAN (smaller letters): heh heh heh yeaaah
PANEL 9
A man with well-coiffed hair, wearing a gray suit with a black tie, is sitting at a long table of the type Justices sit at during Senate confirmation hearings. He’s smiling and speaking into a microphone attached to the table.
CAPTION: JUSTICE IS SHAMELESS
MAN: If confirmed, I will overturn Roe, and we all know it. But I won’t be confirmed if I say that, so I’ll just say “it’s precedent.”
PANEL 10
A man with short-cropped hair and a small pointed chin-beard is typing furiously into a laptop. His word balloon points to the laptop, indicating what he’s typing.
CAPTION: POOR OPPRESSED MALE
MAN: Men can’t have abortions! So abortion has to be illegal! That’s what equality means!
PANEL 11
A hand is holding a smartphone. On the smartphone screen, we see a man with tidy hair and a worried expression cupping an ear with his hand, as if he’s miming listening to something.
CAPTION: DEAD BABIES LIVE MONEY!
MAN ON PHONE: Listen carefully and you’ll hear the unborn babies talking to you! They’re saying “donate $50 today!”
PANEL 12
This panel shows two people standing side-by-side, a man and a woman, speaking directly to the reader. They are both well-dressed, him in a suit and tie, her in a blouse with puffy short sleeves, and carefully done makeup and hair. They’re both smiling.
CAPTION 1: THE HUMANITARIANS
MAN: So our laws make doctors turn away victims of pregnancy complications and child rape…
WOMAN: Well, boo hoo!
PANEL 13
A woman stands alone in a field, talking directly to us with an angry expression while she points to something on her smartphone. Â She has curly black hair and is wearing a black dress with a square-cut neckline.
CAPTION: MISS PRIORITIES
WOMAN: Sure, our abortion bans might kill people – but what’s REALLY horrible is that a columnist used the term “pregnant PEOPLE!”
PANEL 14
A young, wide-eyed teen is talking to an adult woman who is waring a white coat and has her hair in a bun. The woman is grinning but also pointing an accusing finger at the teen.
TEEN: Your ad said to come here for information about abortion?
WOMAN: We’re here to provide non-judgmental help! So tell me, why are you considering becoming a baby murderer?
CAPTION: CRISIS PREGNANCY SCARE
PANEL 15
This panel has two captions, a title caption at the top like the previous fourteen panels had, and a smaller caption floating in the middle of the panel. The panel is otherwise blank.
CAPTION 1: REALLY CARES ABOUT WOMEN
CAPTION 2: No examples found.
