Everyone Knows Elections Are Rigged

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

On a city sidewalk, a balding man in a shirt and tie is talking insistently to a purple-haired passerby with glasses and tattoos.

MAN: Hey, pal, guess what? They’re letting millions of illegals into the country to vote for Democrats!

PANEL 2

In a kitchen, the same man has stuck his head and shoulders through a window into the kitchen, shaking a finger emphatically as he lectures a startled woman.

MAN: The Democrats’ dirty vote machine is so diabolical it’s impossible to “prove,” but everybody knows it stinks!

PANEL 3

In a park, the same man has grabbed another person by the shoulder and is shouting in their face.

MAN: Never mind “proof.” Your elections are stolen! It’s all rigged! Democracy is dead!!

PANEL 4

Close-up of a hand holding a phone. On the screen, the same man—now smiling and calm—is speaking on Fox News.

MAN: Of course there’s proof elections are crooked! Because if they aren’t, why do so many Americans think they are?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Panel 1: Graffiti on the wall says: “I have tagged this wall, and therefore I have become immortal”; “20 percent is the new 15 percent”; “Pore Jud is Daid”; “BG”; “BG yes again”; and “The Vanishing Point is the God of Us All.” Also on the wall, a purple cartoon bunny, labeled “Evil Bunny,” is surrounded by flying knives.

In the store window, ad posters include a cigarette brand called “DIE,” a cupcake with a happy worm crawling out of it, Beaker from the Muppets, and a column of comic-book sound effects: “Bim Bam Boom Boot Toot.”

A newspaper on the sidewalk is called the Background Tribune. The headline reads “Crucial Headline In Left Corner Cropped Off. Thousands of Deaths Blamed on a Cartoonist’s Laziness. ‘Whoops’ says the jerk.” The headline on the lower left is cut off by the panel border, but in my mind it was “Whomp Whomp.”

A bottle lying in the gutter is labeled “Hootch Juice.”

Panel 2: A cereal box is labeled, “Your Childhood Cereal You Keep Eating Even Though It’s Bad,” and promises the “Same Awful Taste!” On the side of the cereal box, it says “100% 90%” and then in small letters “are both numbers.”

In a coffee mug on the counter, a mouse wearing a purple hat sits thoughtfully.

On a shelf, cookbooks include Cook Book, Schnook Book, You Can Cook! and Just Kidding, You’re Awful! There’s also a glaring bald head with a cigar.

Panel 3: A notice nailed to a tree reads: “NOTICE: People who read tiny background text will be sent to bed with no supper. —Your Mom.” Nearby, the Evil Bunny from panel one is partly emerging from a hole in the ground, smoking a joint and holding a teddy bear. Woodstock from “Peanuts” is sitting on a tree branch.

Panel 4: The Fox News logo says “Nox Fews.” The news crawl says “Muffin Man: ‘No one knows the real me’” and “Single best celebrity dies. ‘Whoopsies’ says God.” (I wrote that one the day Dolly passed away.) Thumbnails for other stories are headlined “Global Warming: FAKE” and “If global warming isn’t fake then it’s GOOD NEWS!” with a picture of a smiling sun wearing sunglasses and enjoying the beach.

Everyone Knows Elections Are Rigged | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Posted in Elections |

The Art of Persuasion

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT

Panel 1:
A woman and a man sit on a low stone wall in a park. The woman is upset; the man listens.

WOMAN: And now the Democrat in the race is backing some anti-trans laws! I’m not sure I can vote for that.

MAN (thinking): Uh-oh. Democrats need every vote. How can I convince her to vote for the Democrat anyway?

Panel 2:
The woman and man walk through the park, the woman ahead of him.

WOMAN: Of course, the Republican is even worse. But if Democrats turn against trans people… I’m so frightened.

MAN (thinking): I’ve got to be empathetic and persuasive.

Panel 3:
Close-up of the man, looking thoughtful with his hand on his chin.

WOMAN (off-panel): Look at what happened to the UK — they’ve now got two anti-trans parties. If we let that happen here, trans rights are dead.

MAN (thinking): Okay, I think I know how to reassure her and get her vote.

Panel 4:
The man is suddenly furious, leaning toward the startled woman and pointing at her.

MAN: You’re a Trump supporting moron and you deserve to die!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

PANEL 1:
A good dog with a halo peers out a window. A hand sticks out of a hole in a tree holding a sign that says SEND CANDY.

PANEL 2:
Groucho peeks from behind some bushes. A poster nailed to a tree reads “Background gag to come and it’ll be so funny!” A bad rabbit (we know it’s bad because it’s smoking) sits beside a bad worm (also smoking). A bottle lying in the grass is labeled “BARRY BEER” and has a disturbed-looking drawing of Barry. A mouse holds a knife to a cat; the cat raises its front paws in surrender.

PANEL 4:
A giant mouse (?) in a shirt and tie sits on the wall reading a newspaper, called “Daily Blah Blah,” whose headline says “Literate Rodent Escapes Lab.”

The Art of Persuasion | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Posted in Elections, LGBT cartoons |

The Kitchen Table Cycle

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has three panels, arranged in a circle, with arrows pointing clockwise leading from one panel to the next. In the center of the circle is a large caption, saying “The Kitchen Table Cycle.”

UPPER LEFT PANEL

This panel shows a smartphone. On the smartphone screen, an angry man wearing a suit and tie is talking.

MAN: The only thing the Democratic candidate ever talks about is trans issues! Trans trans trans!

An arrow leads from this to the

LOWER RIGHT PANEL

Three Democrats sit in a treehouse; a sign on the treehouse says “Democrat Strategy Meeting (No progressives allowed). One of them is speaking.

SPEAKER: The pundits say we lost by talking too much about “identity politics.” Next time, our candidate has to be a centrist who only talks about kitchen table issues!

An arrow leads from this to the

LOWER LEFT PANEL

A politician stands behind a podium giving a speech.

CANDIDATE: As your Democratic candidate, let me just say: Kitchen table! Kitchen Table! Kitchen Table!

An arrow leads from this back to the upper left panel with the cellphone.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is old-fashioned cartoonist speak for little extras in the cartoon.

UPPER LEFT PANEL: The Fox News logo says “Cur Fews. Go to bed.” The chyron says “Democrats hate all puppies” and the second chyron says “New science proves: everything is still Biden’s fault.” Below the Fox News screen, there are six thumbnails leading to suggested videos. The thumbnail captions read: Owned! Crushed! Cooked! Demolished! Murderized! And then, in smaller letters, “I attempted to refute their position with persuasive arguments.”

LOWER RIGHT PANEL: The treehouse is modeled after the treehouse in my favorite comic strip of all time, “Calvin and Hobbes.” There’s a hole in the tree trunk; in the hole is a giant rat wearing a top hat and bow tie.

LOWER LEFT PANEL: The seal on the front of the podium has a picture of Sam the Eagle from the Muppets (it’s a little hard to make out because of the foreshortening, alas). The paper lying on the podium says “Tiny print no one reads.”

The Kitchen Table Cycle | Patreon

Posted in Cycle cartoons, Elections |

Centrist Dems Pre and Post Election

Cartoon by Barry

I don’t have a cartoon syndicate and I’m not in newspapers. But I get to do this for a living because lots of readers support my Patreon with mostly small pledges! I also have prints and books for sale.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four regular panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom.

PANEL 1

A large caption says “PRE-ELECTION.”

Two people, a casually dressed woman and a more business-dressed man, are talking in an office. The man makes a dismissive gesture.

WOMAN: Progressives have some ideas for this election…

MAN: Here’s my idea. Step one: donate to our campaign. Step two: you get lost.

PANEL 2

The man pushes the woman out of the office.

WOMAN: Hey!

MAN: No insult, but you woke special interest social justice freaks repel normie voters. Leave us in charge of this election so we can win!

PANEL 3

The man sits behind his desk, looking very pleased.

MAN: Good riddance! Now we can run a winning campaign – a centrist campaign with a centrist candidate and centrist strategies!

PANEL 4

A large caption says “POST-ELECTION”.

The same man and woman are in a hallway. She glares at him, while he yells at her, jumping with fury.

MAN: WE LOST AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!

KICKER PANEL

The man smiles as he talks to Barry the cartoonist.

MAN: Centrist Democrats can’t fail! We can only be failed.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is archaic cartoonist-speak for fun little details that don’t matter.

PANEL 1: On the shelves in the background: A book called “Really Big Book.” A framed picture of Tintin. There’s a framed picture of Amy from “Futurama” on the wall. The woman’s shirt says “Woop Woop.”

Her arms are covered with, well, random doodles, including a Rubik’s cube flying on angel wings, a cloud that says “meh,” a sake, and a explosion with a “BOOM” sound effect.

PANEL 2: The snake tattoo has moved to her other arm, which also features a hand hatching from an egg and a paper saying “8675309.” Her shirt now ways “Hi Mom!” There’s a framed picture of Groucho Marx on the wall.

PANEL 3: There are framed photos on the wall of Kermit the Frong, Marcie, Peppermint Patty, the Mayor from “Nightmare Before Christmas,” and Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons.

On the shelves are: A globe with a goldfish-shaped continent; a stack of three books: Really Big Book, RBB Strikes Back, and Return of the RBB. The photo of Tintin has been replaced with Tintin’s dead, decapitated head. A photo of a seagull with a fish in its beak. A mouse with a bow and arrow, taking aim at an apple on the head of another mouse. A mouse painting a picture of cheese. A napping cat.

On the desk: The book says “Scary” on the spine and “Boo” on the front cover. The icon on the back of the laptop is a cracking egg.

Finally, a mouse or rat is clinging to the arm of the chair in the foreground.

PANEL 4: The snake tattoo is back! Now looking at a tattoo of a mug of steaming liquid. There are framed pictures of Popeye and Olive Oil.

Taking Responsibility | Patreon

Posted in Elections |

Time Travel 2: Ask Me Anything

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a “kicker” panel at the bottom.

PANEL 1

Little Barry is reading in bed when he’s startled by Big Barry coming in through a glowing time portal in the air. Rags, a dog, looks around.

BIG BARRY: Hi, Barry of 1983! I’m you from decades in the future! Ask me anything!

LITTLE BARRY: ACK!

PANEL 2

Little Barry thinks about what to ask. Big Barry smiles but looks very nervous. Rags sniffs Big Barry, tail wagging.

LITTLE BARRY: Okay, um… So is Reagan still the worst President ever?

BIG BARRY: Hah haha ha ha ha! Hoo boy, you think Reagan’s bad! HA! Ha ha aaah oh God.

PANEL 3

Big Barry, weeping, rushes out through the portal.

BIG BARRY: SOB! I’m sorry, I can’t – I – it’s – I gotta go!

PANEL 4

The time portal flicks out, and Big Barry is gone. Little Barry addresses the dog.

LITTLE BARRY: Well, that bodes ill.

KICKER PANEL

Big Barry is petting Rags; Rags is happy for the attention.

BIG BARRY: I didn’t really come back to see my younger self. I came back to see Rags. Who’s a good boy?

RAGS (thought): Is it me? It’s ME!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is archaic cartoonistese for fun little details in the art.

Panel 1: A poster for the “Annie” musical above Barry’s bed says: “Annie. A New Musical and Barry’s First Celebrity Crush. Remember when tickets were affordable… Must be nice.”

Panel 2: The poster has changed to a crudely drawn caricature of Ronald Reagan, with the caption “Let’s Retire Ron.”

Panel 3: The poster has changed to a shirtless, ridiculously muscled man flexing, little mini-muscle bumps sticking up from his huge biceps. The caption says “MUSCLES MAN… His Muscles Have Muscles!” He has a word balloon, which says “Please get me to a doctor.”

Panel 4: The poster has changed to a photo of Reggie Jackson swinging a baseball bat. The caption says: REGGIE… because being good at hitting a ball with a stick makes you a HERO.”

Time Travel 2: Ask Me Anything | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Elections |

The Trump Voter

Cartoon by Barry

Check out the timelapse drawing video for this cartoon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

The cartoon shows a giant Donald Trump stomping through a ruined landscape, holding a giant axe. Elon Musk grows from Trump’s side, doing a Nazi salute. A monstrously huge snake, with J.D. Vance’s head, slithers alongside Trump. A smoking ruin of a city is in the background; there are giant insects; the ground is littered with skulls, decapitated heads, burning or buried books.

Two people sit on the ground against a wall, hiding from Trump’s view. They are wearing ragged clothing. One of them says:

“You must admit, things would have been worse under Harris.”

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is obscure cartoonists’ lingo for little unimportant details in a cartoon.

The chicken fat in this cartoon includes:

An airplane is about to crash into the city.

A person has just jumped off a skyscraper in the background.

There is a giant spider and a giant cockroach in the background.

There are three gravestones, with “Free Press,” “Free Speech,” and “Free Bird” written on them.

A spy wearing sunglasses is watching from near the giant spider.

Mickey Mouse, smiling, is marching alongside Trump. But he doesn’t look well; his smile is desperate and nervous, one shoe is torn (as is one ear), a button is missing, and he has a bandaged stump in place of his right hand.

A broken mug on the wall says “life is good.”

A poster taped to the wall says: “NOTICE: FAILURE to report your woke friends and relatives for deportation makes YOU a woke traitor and you WILL be deported.”

Near the poster, a lone sock lies on the ground. I just find it neat when I see single shoes or socks lying on the ground.

An open can on the ground is labeled “Can of Suck. All Purpose.”

There’s a hole with three books buried in it. The books are entitled “Bury My Book At Wounded Knee” and “Title of Book.” On the spines, one says “Hi There!” and another says “Goodbye.”

A giant, content-looking rat sits on the wall drinking a cup of tea.

A newspaper lying nearby, “The Non Fake Times,” says “Science Says: Enormous Tea-Drinking Rats a Myth.” A subheadline says “Everything under Trump is perfect please don’t deport my children.”

There are three beheaded heads lying on the ground, in a little tribute to great facial hair: Groucho Mar, Abe Lincoln (oddly happy looking), and Ron Swanson. There’s also Iron Man’s hand lying on the ground nearby, because in the movies he has a great beard, too.

There’s a hole in the ground with a bare foot sticking out of it, and a sign that says “No Vacancy.”

The Trump Voter | Patreon

Posted in Elections |

Why Democrats Lost

Cartoon by Barry

It’s another timelapse drawing video! See me change my mind about the final figure’s pose! See me make a last minute decision to add in a kicker panel! See me go through dozens of possible colors which felt to me like it took forever but in the video goes by in like a second!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has nine panels, plus a small “kicker” panel under the bottom of the cartoon. In each panel, a woman with black hair held in a ponytail, is being spoken to by a new character.

PANEL 1

An older man wearing a necktie is explaining as Ponytail listens.

MAN: It’s not the Democrats’ fault – incumbent parties worldwide got a shellacking this year.

PANEL 2

A long haired woman leans into the panel, shaking a fist angrily.

WOMAN: It’s because the Democrats denied how working class people are suffering from inflation!

PANEL 3

A woman with short black hair and glasses pushed on top of her head appears, holding up a graph to illustrate her point.

WOMAN: The economy was great! We lost because the GOP lied about crime and the economy and the media let them!

PANEL 4

A panicked older woman with white hair in a bun is holding Ponytail by the shoulders and shaking her.

WOMAN: Our ground game was so superior! The voting machines must have been rigged!

PANEL 5

An intense looking man comes in, holding a tablet in the air.

MAN: Ground game means nothing now! What matters is winning the online information war, and the Dems had nothing!

PANEL 6

A young man with messy black hair waves his hands in the air as he speaks angrily.

MAN: The Democrats spat in the bases’ faces by supporting genocide in Gaza! Of course the base stayed home!

PANEL 7

Lord Voldemort, the evil antagonist of the Harry Potter books, comes in glaring. Ponytail turns her back on him.

VOLDEMORT: It’s the fault of the transsssesss… It’s always trans’ fault… hisss!

PONYTAIL: Oh, #&*!@ off!

PANEL 8

Four more people come in, on every side of Ponytail, all barking theories at her. She looks around in confusion.

PERSON: Should’ve stuck with Biden

PERSON: Sexist racist voters

PERSON: The Cheneys

PERSON: Bitter young men

PERSON: Biden stayed in too long

PANEL 9

A bearded, grinning man wearing a necktie leans into the panel to talk to Ponytail. Ponytail facepalms.

MAN: And now that we know why we lost, we can make sure it doesn’t happen next time!

KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE STRIP

The bearded man from panel 9 holds out a hand to Ponytail, palm up. Ponytail glares at him.

MAN: The first step is give us more money.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an outdated cartoonists’ term for little details that don’t matter but might amuse someone (or at least amused the cartoonist).

PANEL 1 – Ponytail has a tattoo on her arm saying “you are here.”

PANEL 3 – The back of the woman’s shirt says “My baking skills make the pope cry.”

PANEL 4 – The man appears to be Charlie Brown at age 60 or so. He’s got a tattoo of Snoopy napping on a doghouse on his arm.

The man’s tablet has small print on it which says “Scientist says that you, yes, you, are swell and smell nice. Congrats!”

PANEL 7 – The bottom of Voldemort’s wand has a screaming face on it. Some poor captured soul, or is Lord Voldemort a secret whittler?

Why Democrats Lost | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Elections |

Electoral College Confessions!

Cartoon by Barry

Check out the timelapse drawing video for this cartoon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus an additional tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the cartoon. All four panels feature two characters who are walking through a park and talking.

The first character is a woman with dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, wearing a red tank top and jeans. Let’s call her TANKTOP. The second character is a businessman-looking man, wearing round glasses and a blue suit. Let’s call him SUIT.

PANEL 1

Tanktop and Suit are walking though a hilly park. Tanktop looks a little angry and is lecturing Suit, who seems calmer. Suit is walking in front of Tanktop, so he’s facing away from her.

TANKTOP: Conservatives say we need the Electoral College so small states won’t be ignored – but since the ten smallest states aren’t swing states, the Electoral
College guarantees they get ignored!

SUIT: I’m so sick of this argument.

PANEL 2

A close up of Suit, who is looking very annoyed.

SUIT: IT’s true our arguments for the Electoral College make zero sense! And they’re anti-Democracy! Who cares? It doesn’t matter if we make sense!

PANEL 3

An even closer close-up of Suit, who finally turns back to look at Tanktop as he speaks. His expression is angry and intense.

SUIT: With the Electoral College, we can lose the vote and still win the presidency! We will never let voters decide, because then we’d have less power, and power is all we care about! How do you not know that?

PANEL 4

Suit has turned away from Tanktop again and the two continue walking. Both of them have returned to speaking in ordinary tones, although Tanktop still looks annoyed.

TANKTOP: I did know, but I’m shocked you’re saying it aloud.

SUIT: Well, don’t forget this is a cartoon.

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

Suit is talking to Barry the Cartoonist.

SUIT: I will never, ever, ever turn against the Electoral College! Unless Texas turns blue.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an outdated cartoonists’ term for little details in a comic that don’t mean anything but are hopefully fun.

PANEL 1: Beaker from the Muppets is peeking out of a hole in a tree.

A sign in the background says “KEEP OFF THE GRASS (ink may smear).”

PANEL 2: A bird flying in the background has a cat head. (In the sense of its own head being feline, not in the sense that it’s carrying a decapitated cat’s head).

PANEL 4: An evil bunny smoking a cigarette is sticking its head out of a hole in the ground. In the foreground, a friendly looking pig wearing a fedora is glancing out towards the readers. On the path, a bored looking snail is on top of a tiny skateboard, and an ant is riding on top of the snail.

In panel one, Tanktop’s tattoo was a coffee mug with a smiley face on it. In this panel, the coffee mug has fallen on its side, spilling coffee, and the face on the mug is distressed.

Electoral College Confession! | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Elections |

Election Year, Squishy Progressive Style

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon is a twelve-panel grid, with each panel labeled in large letters at the top with a month – January, February, and so forth. For this transcript, rather than labeling the panels “panel 1” and so on, I’ll use the name of the month.

In addition, there’s a tiny kicker panel under the bottom of the cartoon. Each panel shows the same character – a fat dude with round glasses, a circle beard (the name for “a chin strap and a mustache that meet to form a circle”), and dark hair held in a short pony tail. Put another way, it’s my self-caricature, so I’ll call this dude “Barry.”

JANUARY

Barry, wearing a long black coat and a scarf, is standing on a sidewalk yelling to the sky, his hands clutched in fists.

BARRY: The Democrats are sell-outs!

FEBRUARY

Barry stands outside, wearing a heavy coat with a hood and (again) a scarf. It’s snowing hard. Barry’s arms are crossed and he has a “don’t try talking to me, I already know everything” expression.

BARRY: They’re owned by corporations, just like the GOP!

MARCH

Barry is wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a floral patter over a black t-shirt. He looks angry and is waving a fist in the air.

BARRY: F#&@! the Democrats!

APRIL

Barry is talking into the phone, smirking a little.

BARRY: Democrats want my money? I’d rather donate to cancer.

MAY

Barry is explaining something to a somewhat impatient looking friend (or maybe just an unfortunate person who wound up at the same bus stop, who knows?).

BARRY: We so desperately need a third party!

JUNE

Barry is standing in a living-room type room; there’s a window in the background, and an armchair. Barry’s talking on the phone, a concerned expression on his face.

BARRY: Yes, Republicans winning would be a disaster.

JULY

Barry sits at a table, head resting on his palm, looking at an open laptop.

BARRY (thought): Actually, the Dem candidates are pretty good. On some issues.

AUGUST

Barry is standing outside, in front of a stone wall lined with flower boxes on top, talking to a friend (or, again, maybe just an unlucky passerby). Barry has both arms raised in the air jubilantly.

BARRY: I still hate them but I really like them!

SEPTEMBER

Barry stands looking pensively out a window.

BARRY: Hate? Like? Hate? Like?

OCTOBER

Hi, I’m a volunteer for the Democrats. Have you made a plan for voting?

NOVEMBER

Barry, looking extremely anxious, is standing and looking at a computer monitor, hands pressed against the sides of his face, sweating.

BARRY (thought): Please please let the Dems win…

DECEMBER

Barry is walking on a sidewalk past a hillside. It’s dark out, and Barry is wearing a long coat and a scarf again. He’s talking on his cell phone with an angry expression.

BARRY: God, I hate the Democrats!

TINY KICKER PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

A woman is talking to Barry.

WOMAN: So you’re saying hypocrisy is bad?

BARRY: Sorta bad, sorta useful.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an old cartoonist’s expression for unimportant but possibly amusing details the cartoonist sticks into the art.

JANUARY: A flyer taped to the wall shows a glaring bunny with a cigarette dangling out of its mouth. The text says “BEWARE evil bunny.”

FEBRUARY: A snowman in the background appears to be a snow alien, with three eyes and two antenna.

MARCH: Barry’s t-shirt has a picture of the evil bunny, surrounded by letters that say “evil bunny 1968 world tour.” Barry has a tattoo on his arm which says “I Have No Tattoos.”

JUNE: A man wearing a black fedora is peering in the window at Barry. On the wall is a framed picture of the evil bunny. A cat sits in the armchair, slouching like a human and looking at a smartphone it’s holding in its front paws.

AUGUST: Barry’s t-shirt has a drawing of the Death Star from “Star Wars,” and under the Death Star is a caption saying “Cici n’est pas une lune.” This is a real t-shirt that was described to me by Packy Anderson in the comments of a previous cartoon.

SEPTEMBER: Barry’s t-shirt has the planet logo from the covers of the “Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” book series.

OCTOBER: Barry’s t-shirt says “your ad here.” The place on the back of the laptop where the manufacturer’s logo usually goes has a picture of Saturn.

NOVEMBER: Barry’s arm has a tattoo of Beaker from the Muppets. I’ve snuck Beaker into a lot of my cartoons because I just like him.

DECEMBER: A bird in the air in the background has Richard Nixon’s head instead of a bird head. A piece of paper lying on the sidewalk says “Last Panel. Phew! 12 panels is a lot.” And in the background, near a tree, is the evil bunny, smoking a cigarette.

Election Year, Squishy Progressive Style | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Elections |

Swing Voters

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each of which shows a different scene with different characters. Each panel is marked with a caption at the top: Academic, Pundit, Regular Voters, and Swing Voters.

PANEL 1

CAPTION: ACADEMIC

A professorial type, in a vest and tie, is seating behind a desk. There’s a wooden bookcase in the background, and a couple of “in and out” style boxes on his desk piled with papers.

PROFESSOR: There are relatively few so-called “swing voters” – but they decide elections! In a sense, swing voters are the real rulers of the country!

PANEL 2

CAPTION: PUNDIT

We are looking at a flatscreen TV. On the TV, a well-dressed woman in a pale blue jacket over a red blouse is smiling and talking to us. The screen graphics (a channel 4 logo, a US flag design shaped like the US) make this look like some sort of news program.

PUNDIT: Winning elections is all about giving swing voters what they want! And by some coincidence, what swing voters want matches what I want! As my uber driver told me the other day…

PANEL 3

CAPTION: REGULAR VOTERS

We’re looking at two people standing in a park: There’s a woman wearing a floral pattern skirt, speaking to us and shrugging. And a man wearing a knit cap is standing, looking up from the newspaper he was reading to address us. Both of them look bewildered.

WOMAN: I don’t understand how anyone’s “undecided” at this point.

MAN: What are swing voters thinking?

PANEL 4

CAPTION: SWING VOTERS

Three people are standing in a row – perhaps waiting on line – on a city sidewalk. A sandwich sideboard sign – also known as an A-frame sign – stands in front of the sidewalk, with the word “VOTE” and a pointing arrow.

From left to right, the swing voters are: A blonde man with nice hair, grinning widely and pressing a hand to his chest in an “I’m so smart” gesture. A black-haired woman with glasses is talking back to the blonde man, with a critical expression on her face. And a balding man wearing a striped izod shirt is looking at a “voter’s guide” pamphlet with a worried expression.

BLONDE MAN: I’ve finally chosen! I’m voting for the one with shinier hair.

GLASSES WOMAN: That’s stupid! I vote based on the weather.

BALD MAN: Anyone know what country we live in?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-dead cartoonists’ expression for unimportant but hopefully amusing details stuck in by the artist.

PANEL 1: There are four books on the bookcase with legible spines. They are entitled “Unread Vol. 1,” “Unread Vol. 46,” “Dull Stuff,” and “Even Duller.” There’s some sort of mouse-like creature with big ears also hanging out on the bookcase. The two boxes on the professor’s desk are labeled “Actual Research” – that one has a small stack of papers – and “Papers To Grade,” with a ridiculously high stick of papers.

PANEL 2: The Chiron text at the bottom of the screen says “Reading Chyron Text Causes Cancer,” and then in smaller print underneath, “Don’t stop reading, kit’s too late for you anyhow.”

PANEL 3: I’m not sure this even counts as a chicken fat, but when I was drawing the stones lying on the grass on the bottom center of the panel, I was consciously arranging them to look like the top of Homer Simpson’s head and big staring eyes.

The newspaper the man is reading says “SPORTS” in big letters across the top. The top headline says “Fit People Wearing Numbers Move a Ball Around YAY.” A lower headline says “TRAGIC: Juggling Still Not Real Sport.”

PANEL 4: The sandwich board says “VOTE” in big letters, then in smaller letters under that it says “if you don’t vote the fascists may win! Is that really how you spell ‘fascists’? That’s a lot of S’s.”

The man with the Voter’s Guide is holding it upside down.

A newspaper lying on the sidewalk says “The Daily Background” on top. The headline says in large letters “DOG BITES MAN.” Then there are two side-by-side photos, showing a pleased looking doggy and a frightened running man. Below the photos is the subheading, which says “Headline Writer Is Very Bored.”

Swing Voters | Patreon

Posted in Elections |

Appealing to Trump Voters by Getting Tough on Immigration!

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All of them feature the same character, who I’ll call “DEMOCRAT,” an older man with neatly combed, thick gray hair, rectangular glasses, and is usually wearing a suit and tie.

PANEL 1

Democrat is facing a big crowd of very angry people (mostly male, mostly white). They’re so crowded together that most of them seem like just a pile of faces. In the lead, a man wearing a short-sleeved collared shirt with a necktie shakes a fist in the air as he SCREAMS at Democrat. His face is a picture of rage.

Democrat listens calmly, rubbing his chin with a hand.

ANGRY MAN: SECURE THE BORDER YOU COWARDS!

DEMOCRAT (thought balloon): I want people like them to vote for Democrats, so I’ll give them what they want.

PANEL 2

Democrat is now in an office, seated behind a large and fancy desk. This looks like a pretty nice office. Democrat is on the phone, yelling at someone and pounding his fist on the desk.

DEMOCRAT: Forget helping the Dreamers! From now on Democrats support border security! Make it tougher! Send away asylum seekers! Hire more border guards!

PANEL 3

Democrat is now on stage, standing behind a podium with a microphone pointed at him, giving a speech. A spotlight shines on him. He’s grinning.

DEMOCRAT: Our new bill is the toughest border security bill ever!

PANEL 4

This panel, much like the first panel, shows Democrat facing a crowd of very angry people, with the same dude leading them. That dude is pointing a finger at Democrat and is yelling, his face just as furious as in panel 1. Democrat is talking to him with a smile, bent forward a little with his hands clasped together.

DEMOCRAT: So you like Democrats better now, right?

ANGRY MAN: SECURE THE BORDER YOU COWARDS!!!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a cartoonist expression for fun but meaningless details slipped into a cartoon.

In panel one, the person in the foreground with his back to us is a self-portrait.

In panel two, there are a number of books on shelves in the backgrounds. Titles of these books include “Duck Soup,” “A Night At The Opera,” and “Horse Feathers” – for those of you who don’t know, those are all titles of Marx Brothers movies. Another book just has “TITLE” written on the spine in big letters. Another says “Covfefe! The Musical.” And two more, shelved next to each other, are titled “Tiny Lettering” and “Tiny Lettering 2.”

Also on the shelves is a bottle of booze and a decapitated head.  Finally, in the tiny space under one of the shelves, a rat is reading a book.

In panel three, the seal on the front of the podium has the words “colorless green ideas sleep furiously,” which is a sentence “composed by Noam Chomsky in his 1957 book Syntactic Structures as an example of a sentence that is grammatically well-formed, but semantically nonsensical.” (There’s an entire wikipedia article about this sentence.)

The bird on the seal, which would usually be an eagle, is Opus the Penguin from Bloom County,

In panel four, there are two familiar faces seeded among the sea of angry faces: Bert from Sesame Street, and Frankenstein.

Appealing To Trump Voters | Patreon

Posted in Elections, Immigration |

Biden Stuffed Ballot Boxes in Boise!

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. There are two main characters. The first is a woman with dark red hair going to a bit below her shoulders, glasses with fashionably thick arms, and a short black peacoat over jeans and a blouse. We’ll call her GLASSES.

The other character is a woman with very short, somewhat spikey blonde hair, wearing a red puffy vest over a long-sleeved shirt and baggy black pants. We’ll call her VEST.

The two of them are talking on a suburban looking sidewalk, with a house, a bush and a tree in the background.

PANEL 1

Glasses is holding up her smartphone to display the screen to Vest, and pointing to the phone with her other hand.  She looks distressed.

Vest is pissed off – waving her arms and yelling.

GLASSES: In Nevada in 2020, 1,500 dead people voted for Biden! And 4,000 illegal aliens voted! I read it on Facebook!

VEST: Oh come ON!!! Just because someone says something doesn’t make it TRUE!

PANEL 2

Vest is leaning forward, holding her fist in front of her (but not in a threatening way, just angry). Glasses, smiling, holds up her hands, palms out, in a peacemaking gesture.

VEST (still yelling): I could say there’s a video of Joe Biden personally stuffing ballot boxes in Boise! That doesn’t mean it happened!

GLASSES: Hey, no need for raised voices. Let’s agree to disagree.

PANEL 3

In the foreground, Vest, muttering to herself, is walking away, pushing up her own hair angrily and biting her lip. In the background, Glasses has her back to Vest but has turned her head to watch Vest depart.

VEST (muttering): mumble grr stupid maga idiot @%$*!

PANEL 4

A shot of Glasses alone. She’s looking distressed again, and is anxiously and rapidly tapping on her phone as she types into it. In her thought balloon we can see what it is she’s typing. (By the way, the typo is on purpose. Well, it wasn’t originally on purpose, but I noticed the typo before I posted the cartoon and decided to leave it in,, so in that sense it’s on purpose).

GLASSES (typing into phone): BIG news! EXLCUSIVE! Dem source says VIDEO has emerged of BIDEN HIMSELF PERSONALLY STUFFING BALLOT BOXES in BOISE! #FakeElection #cheatingJoeBiden

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. There are two bits of chicken fat in this comic. In panel one, in the background, there’s a house, and if you look carefully in the window you’ll see Homer Simpson looking out. And in panel two, in the lower left corner, we can see that someone hidden in the bushes is spying on the characters’ conversation.

Biden Stuffed Ballot Boxes in Boise! | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Elections, Right-wingers |

We Must Protect Their Delicate Feelings

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is a collaboration between me and Becky Hawkins!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, and they all show the same three characters. There’s also a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the strip.

1. There’s a woman with an undercut, wearing a jeans jacket, a black shirt with a cut-off bottom, torn pants and boots. She’s carrying a shoulder bag with pins or badges on it. We’ll call her “Undercut.”

2. There’s a man wearing a red t-shirt, red baseball cap, and red-and-white sneakers. He’s got a blonde van dyke beard. He’s either bald, or his hair is short enough to be hidden by the baseball cap. We’ll call him “Redcap.”

3. And there’s a well-dressed woman with a purple blouse, light green pants, and purple wedges. She carries a purse and has shoulder-length brown hair. We’ll call her “Wedges.”

The characters are standing on a sidewalk, by a bus stop sign; there’s a patch of green grass, a tall wooden fence, and a telephone pole behind them.

PANEL 1

Redcap and Undercut both seem to be waiting for a bus. Redcap is yammering on as Undercut listens. Wedges is walking into the panel from the side.

REDCAP: No one cares what WHITE people want… but when BLM protested, the police were like “sorry, Black people, we’ll do whatever you want!”

PANEL 2

Undercut, looking a little heated, begins to respond, but Wedges steps between her and Redcap, holding up her hands and interrupting.

UNDERCUT: WHAT?!? That’s the most ridiculous—

WEDGES: before you reply, consider that if you’re harsh and combative that will make him dig in and he’ll go even further right.

PANEL 3

Undercut looks up and scratches her chin, clearly making an effort. Wedges cuts her off again, putting a hand on Redcap’s shoulder and gesturing towards him with her other hand.

UNDERCUT: Ooookaaaayyy… If you look back at actual news stories, there are tons of examples of—

WEDGES: Research shows people aren’t swayed by evidence. You should center his feelings.

PANEL 4

Undercut explodes with anger, waving her hands and yelling. Wedges and Redcap walk away, Wedges with a comforting hand on Redcap’s back as a single tear rolls down Redcap’s sad face. Wedges speaks to Redcap, a sympathetic expression on her face.

UNDERCUT (yelling): ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

WEDGES: See, this is why Trump beat Hillary.

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE STRIP

Wedges, looking rather smug, raises a finger in a “I’m the teacher” manner as she speaks to Undercut. Undercut looks furious and yanks at her own hair.

WEDGES: Clearly you haven’t spent enough time in midwestern diners.

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, Elections |

How Could It Be Hard To Get Voter I.D.?

Cartoon by Barry

If you enjoy these cartoons, help us make more by embracing world atheism, becoming a witch, accepting contradictions, and supporting my patreon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each showing a different scene. In addition, there’s a small “kicker” panel under the fourth panel.

PANEL 1

The panel shows a counter at a fast food restaurant. We can see a couple of customers, and a couple of workers. The workers are wearing hats that very vaguely resemble hamburger buns. A sign on the wall shows a smiling hamburger with eyes, below the caption “Soilent Green YUM.” A smaller sign says “SAFETY” in larger letters followed by tiny print, which says “is a word we use a lot so you can’t sue us.”

The worker at the cash register is turning to speak directly to the reader.

WORKER: To get an official photo I.D., I have to go to the nearest government office, which is 90 miles away, and I don’t have a car, and even if I did my boss won’t give me a weekday off.

PANEL 2

We’re in what looks like someone’s back yard. In the foreground is a garden, with some sort of plant being grown in tidy rows. An elderly woman is kneeling on the ground in front of the garden, wearing a floppy straw hat, an apron with a floral patter, and holding a trowel. She speaks directly to the reader.

WOMAN: I can’t get I.D. without a birth certificate. But when I was born home births didn’t get birth certificates.

PANEL 3

A mover wearing jeans and a black tank top is carrying a sofa as he’s talking to the reader. (Presumably someone else is carrying the other end of the sofa, but that person is outside the panel border). It’s a little dark out, and this appears to be a residential area – he’s on a sidewalk, and there’s some grass and trees and an outdoor wall in the background.

MOVER: The state charges $60 for a driver’s license…. but first I’d need a copy of my birth certificate, which is $30. I can’t afford 90 dollars to vote!

PANEL 4

This panel shows the interior of a coffee shop. There are round tables, a big window showing some houses across the street, and a mural of a smiling coffee mug on the wall. A man and a woman sit together at a table, with mugs of coffee on the table. He is reading from a tablet he’s holding and looking annoyed as he talks. She is looking at a laptop, and doesn’t look up as she responds.

MAN: Why wouldn’t anyone be able to get an I.D.? Idiots!

WOMAN: People like that don’t deserve to vote.

SMALL KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

The man from panel 4 is yelling a bit at a drawing of Barry (the cartoonist).

MAN: If it’s easy for me it must be easy for everybody! That’s just science!

This cartoon on Patreon

Posted in Elections |

An Enduring Plan

Cartoon by Barry

If you enjoy these cartoons, help me make more by supporting my Patreon! I make a living from lots of people supporting me with small amounts, and that thought makes me happy.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. The first three panels are colored in sepia tones, to resemble old photographs. They show two white men, dressed in upper-class Victorian suits, chatting on the street. One man has huge sideburns and a bowler hat; the other has glasses, handlebar mustaches, and a shiny black top hat.

PANEL 1

Bowler Hat has a huge grin as he lifts a hand, eagerly getting Top Hat’s attention. Top Hat cheerfully pays attention, leaning forward and steepling his fingers.  (The expression “I’m all ears,” by the way, goes back to the 1700s.)

BOWLER HAT: I’ve got a plan to stop negros from voting!

TOP HAT: Swell! I’m all ears!

PANEL 2

A close-up of Bowler Hat as he explains, his grin huge, his hands waving in the air a bit.

BOWLER HAT: We’ll make up new laws for voting which we’ll pretend are “protecting the vote,” but actually will make it harder for negros to vote. Like “literacy tests” and “grandfather clauses.”

PANEL 3

A longer shot of the two of them. Bowler Hat puts a hand on his chin and looks concerned, while Top Hat, also with a worried expression, speaks and shrugs.

TOP HAT: I have doubts… Perhaps this plan could work for a year or two. But could a plan so obviously dishonest last decades? Or even a century?

PANEL 4

A change of scene – and of coloring. Instead of being colored like old photography, this panel has bright, modern colors. Two well-off looking middle-aged white men are in a nice office (rug on floor, large window with curtains open showing trees outside, framed photos on the wall, an American flag on a pole in one corner) talking cheerfully. One man, wearing a modern suit and tie, is holding out a red folder to the other man. The other man is wearing a judge’s black robes and giving a thumb’s up.

SENATOR: Our new laws are definitely about protecting the vote, and it’s just a wacky coincidence that they all make it harder for Black people to vote!

JUDGE: I believe you!

Posted in Elections, History, Racism & Racists |

Democracy is Burning

Cartoon by Barry

Please help me make more cartoons by supporting my Patreon! Small pledges from lots of donors is how I make my living.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels. All six panels show the same two women on top of an unrealistically round and even hill. One woman is drawn as an anthropomorphic dog; she’s sitting in a reclined lawn chair, wearing flip-flops, shorts, and a t-shirt with an exclamation point design. The other woman is drawn as an anthropomorphic cat. She’s wearing a vest over a polka-dotted shirt, a dark calf-length skirt, and black socks or stockings.

The comic is colored mostly in dim shades of blue, indicating dusk or nighttime.

PANEL 1

Cat and Dog are looking out at the horizon. There’s an orange-yellow glow all along the horizon.

CAT: What’s that glow on the horizon?

DOG: It’s democracy burning.

PANEL 2

They both continue staring at the distant horizon. The cat crosses her arms and looks angry.

DOG: The fire will rush over us and burn everything down pretty soon.

CAT: That’s horrible! Can’t the Democrats stop it?

PANEL 3

A more distant shot shows us a landscape of unrealistically steep, round hills. Cat puts a hand on her face, flabbergasted. The dog seems emotionally withdrawn or numb (as she’s looked all along).

DOG: Doubtful… Between the filibuster, gerrymandering, and the Supreme Court, elections are just gonna stop being meaningful.

CAT: But… How can they do that?

DOG: The rules say they can.

PANEL 4

The cat yells, looking panicked. The dog, still calm, looks at the cat out of the corner of her eye.

CAT: We can’t just stand here while democracy burns! We have to DO SOMETHING!

DOG: Yes, but– What can we do, specifically?

PANEL 5

A closer shot of the cat as she concentrates, a hand on her chin.

CAT: Well, we can… I mean, could we… Maybe if we…

CAT: Um…

PANEL 6

A distant shot from behind the two of them, so we are seeing them, and beyond them, the orange glowing horizon. The cat slumps a bit, looking at the ground.

CAT: Well… Fuck.

DOG: That sums it up.

This cartoon on Patreon.

Posted in Barry's favorites, Elections |

Message in a Bottle

Cartoon by Barry

Supporting my patreon helps me make more swell cartoons!

I was having trouble with the first figure in panel one, so I searched for a reference photo to help me out, and found one, from a photographer who creates many reference photos. They also generously gave me permission to reproduce their photo in a process image. I always enjoy seeing process images, so I imagine some of you enjoy them, as well.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All of the panels show two women talking in some sort of park or meadow (green and hilly with some trees in the background), with a gentle river or large stream in the foreground. The first woman has long curly-with-spirals hair, and is wearing a hairband. She’s wearing black pants, torn on one knee, and a hoodie. The second woman has short hair and glasses, and is wearing a short-sleeved shirt with a “!” logo on it and purple pants.

PANEL 1

HAIRBAND is crouching down and reaching for a bottle floating in the stream. The bottle, if you look closely, has a rolled-up piece of paper in it. GLASSES looks a little surprised but also amused.

HAIRBAND: Look, a message in a bottle!

GLASSES: What’s it say?

PANEL 2

Hairband has removed the paper from the bottle and is reading from it; the bottle is held in her other hand. Glasses is holding up a forefinger as she makes a point.

HAIRBAND: It says “Help! We’re trapped in a country where an absurdly awful minority party is attacking elections and democracy!”

GLASSES: So if the problem is a bad political party, all they have to do-

PANEL 3

A close-up of Hairband shows her continuing to read from the paper, with a concerned expression. Glasses speaks from off panel.

HAIRBAND: It goes on… “That party stays viable because bad constitutional design and partisan judges have made it possible for them to remain viable while most voters oppose them.”

GLASSES: I see! In that case, they can-

HAIRBAND: “And even that is a symptom of how entrenched interests of race and wealth have controlled the country from the start.”

PANEL 4

Scowling a bit with concentration, Glasses speaks, looking less certain now than in the previous panels. Hairband is kneeling down and reaching for a second bottle that has floated along the river.

GLASSES: So the root of all the problems are entrenched interests? So can they-

HAIRBAND: Hold on, there’s another bottle.

Posted in Barry's favorites, Elections |

Now That Trump’s Leaving…

Cartoon by Barry

Please support these cartoons on my Patreon! Lots of low-level donations from lots of readers is how I make my living, and I think that’s so cool.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has a single panel.

The panel shows a blighted and ugly landscape. It’s a hillside, bleak and barren, with ugly green storm clouds against a dark red sky.

There is a huge, monstrous head sticking out of an lifeless hillside. The head has bumps and a dozen or so horns, irregularly shaped and in one case broken off. It has a tiny nose and tiny, glaring eyes. It’s mostly green and yellow, but on one cheek a flap of skin has come off, showing some red underneath. The huge mouth is open like a garage, and we can see huge and irregular pointy teeth and a bulbous tongue covered with warts.

A sign sticking out of the ground, just in front of the head, says “G.O.P.”

A trail of slime leads out of the open mouth, to the lower left corner of the cartoon, where a sluglike creature with Donald Trump’s face is crawling away. Trumpslug is wearing a shirt collar and a long red necktie.

Nearby, a couple of ordinary-looking people, a man and a woman, are happily watching Trumpslug depart. They are facing away from the awful gigantic head looming over them and don’t appear to have noticed it.

MAN: He’s leaving!

WOMAN: Democracy is safe from the monster!

Posted in Elections |

We can’t do THAT! It’s MEAN!

Cartoon by Barry

Please support these cartoons on my Patreon! A $1 or $2 pledge really helps.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A large caption at the top of the panel says “REPUBLICANS.”

We see several people, most or all of whom seem to be white men, standing in some sort of business or office space. One man is speaking to the others: He is bald on top, and wearing an open suit vest over a shirt and striped necktie. He is grinning and gesturing as he speaks.

VEST: When Obama nominates for the Supreme Court, we just won’t allow a hearing.

VEST: We’ll make up some excuse, like, uh… We can’t confirm a new Supreme Court Justice close to a presidential election.

PANEL 2

A close up of Vest, who has steepled his fingers a bit below his chin, and is looking up a bit, perhaps staring at the beautiful future his imagination is conjuring.

VEST: Once we own the Supreme Court, we’ll step up on policies making voting harder for Democratic-leaning groups like Blacks and students!

VEST: Gerrymandering, closing polling places, and harsh voter ID laws are just a start! With the Supreme Court on our side, we can do anything!

PANEL 3

One of the other white men in the room has stepped forward, looking anxious as he asks a question. Vest just throws up his hands and grins.

ANXIOUS GUY: But what if there’s an open Supreme Court seat close to a Presidential election when a Republican is president?

VEST: Screw it, we’ll confirm ’em anyway!

PANEL 4

A large caption at the top of this panel says DEMOCRATS.

The panel shows a tablet being held in someone’s lap. On the tablet, we can see three people, a woman and two men, talking in a Zoom-like program. The woman looks determined, shaking a fist; the first man looks a bit afraid; and the second man is holding his hands on either side of his face and gasping in horror.

WOMAN: If we get the White House and congress, we should add seats to the Supreme Court.

A BIT AFRAID: We can’t do that! It’s mean!

GASPING MAN: Gasp!

Posted in Elections |

Waving The Magic Congress Wand

Cartoon by Barry

If you enjoy these cartoons, please support them on Patreon. A $1 or $2 pledge really helps!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has thirteen panels. Each of the panels shows a man standing at a podium, speaking to a crowd (the crowd isn’t in every panel). The man has very carefully coiffed hair and is wearing a suit and tie. Let’s call him “the politician.”

PANEL 1

In the foreground, we can see a large crowd from the back; we see the backs of their heads, and their arms waving in the air. They’re facing a man on stage, who is waving a hand and speaking to them from behind a podium.

POLITICIAN: When you elect me to Congress, I’ll enact big, big changes!

PANEL 2

A closer shot of the politician shrugging.

POLITICIAN: That’s if our party controls congress. Because if not, I literally can’t do anything.

PANEL 3

The politician rubs his chin and looks upward a bit, thoughtfully.

POLITICIAN: But if we’re in control, I’ll ask my allies to bring my plan into committee. And if I’m lucky, the committee will only rewrite it a little!

PANEL 4

This panel is an extreme close up of the politician – so close that his ears aren’t even in panel. In the five panels that follow, the “camera” will gradually zoom out, away from the politician, until he’s a tiny full-figure.

POLITICIAN: Actually, since big policy changes are complex, many committees will rewrite parts of my plan!

PANEL 5

POLITICIAN: And then the CBO scores it, which means more rewriting.

PANEL 6

POLITICIAN: And more rewrites, and more, until something that only slightly resembles my plan passes Congress!

PANEL 7

POLITICIAN: And that’s only if I’m lucky!

PANEL 8

POLITICIAN: Even then, it could still be vetoed. Or struck down in court.

PANEL 9

The “zoom out” is now complete; the politician is a tiny figure, no longer using a lot of energy to speak, raising one hand in a “let me explain this” gesture.

POLITICIAN: Because even if I’m elected, that won’t give me the power to just make laws happen.

PANEL 10

A close up of the politician, who is now grinning big and waving his arms as he yells.

POLITICIAN: So let’s hear it for big big changes I can’t promise!

PANEL 11

A shot from behind the politician, so we see the back of his head, and the crowd looking at him. The crowd is totally silent and is glaring at him; they look angry.

PANEL 12

A profile shot of the politician, looking nervous; cartoon beads of sweat are flying off his face, and a sound effect says “gulp.”

PANEL 13

A front shot of the politician, grinning and spreading his arms in the air as he talks loudly, one hand making a thumbs up sign. He is surrounded by balloons and confetti falling through the air. In the foreground, we can see members of the crowd grinning and waving their hands.

POLITICIAN: What I meant to say was, Once I’m elected, I’ll wave my magical Congress wand and my ideas will become law like POOF!

VARIOUS PEOPLE IN THE CROWD: Yay! What leadership! Huzzah!

Posted in Elections |