Self-Medicating My ADHD

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by Nadine Scholtes and I.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same character, from the same angle. A woman sits at a messy table, in front of an open laptop. On the table are some crumpled napkins, an open Chinese food takeout container, random papers, random mugs (one near her elbow, presumably her current mug, and a few more pushed to the back), and an orange cat with a white chin and belly. The cat is either a large kitten or a small adult.

The woman has a green shirt with darker green sleeves, round glasses, and brunette hair tied back.

PANEL 1

The woman leans on one hand, with a frustrated expression; her other hand is in a fist on the table.

WOMAN (thought): Aaargh! Why can’t I be productive? Stupid ADHD!

PANEL 2

A hatch opens up on top of her head, and her brain – complete with cartoony eyes, a smiling mouth, and stick arms – pops out and speaks cheerfully. The woman seems unsurprised by this, leaning back and folding her arms.

BRAIN: I have an idea – why not beat yourself up about it?

WOMAN: Really, brain? We’ve tried that for decades. And it’s never worked!

PANEL 3

The Brain cheerfully hands the woman a mallet; the woman reaches a hand up to take it. She’s looking cheerful now.

BRAIN: That’s because you haven’t been beating yourself hard enough. This time it’ll work.

WOMAN: Oh, okay.

PANEL 4

The woman AND her brain are now both covered with bruises and bumps from being beaten so much; the woman has cracked her glasses and is missing a tooth. Both of them are cheerful, and both their word balloons are shaky looking.

BRAIN: It’ll start working aaany second now.

WOMAN: Thanks, brain!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. In this cartoon, the chicken fat involves cats, both in the foreground and in the background.

In the foreground, in panel one, the cat is looking a bit anxiously at the woman as it moves towards the open Chinese food container.

In panel two, the cat is leaning over the container, and her head is almost entirely within the container.

In panel three, the cat is licking its lips, with a deeply satisfied expression and a little heart floating over its head.

In panel four, the cat is busily licking its own butthole.

In the background, there’s a cat motivational poster on the wall. What’s cool is, the poster changes every panel, in response to the events happening with the main character.

These gags were contributed by Nadine, and I’ll quote bits of her comments about the posters.

In panel one, the cat is turning to look, coughing and cross-eyed. A “computer is loading” icon is above its head “like the brain is stuck.” The caption says UUUHHHH…

In panel two, a new cat has an expression of huge surprise on its face, like it’s surprised by the brain popping out. Caption says “WHAT?!”

In panel three, yet another cat – a fluffy white cat wearing round glasses and a bow tie – is staring out. The caption says “GENIUS!” Naomi explains, “because the brain has a ‘genius’ idea.”

In panel four, we have the hang in there cat, “because never give up!”

Self-Medicating My ADHD | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Uncategorized |

Generations

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was drawn by the remarkable Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each of the panels shows the same two characters; a doctor, who is a white man in his forties, and a patient, who looks to be in his sixties at least. We’re in a medical examination room; the patient is sitting on the examination table, while the doctor stands.

PANEL 1

The doctor is holding an otoscope (which is that thing they use to examine ears). (Did you know that thing’s called an otoscope? I didn’t, I had to google it). The patient is not yelling or anything, but he’s sort of ranting a little.

DOCTOR: Hold still while I look in your ear.

PATIENT: i bought a coffee and this young “barista” was so rude!

PANEL 2

The doctor, wielding the otoscope, is peering into the patient’s ear with an expression of concentration. The patient is warming up to his rant.

DOCTOR: Mm hmmm

PATIENT: i swear these millennials are the worst!

PANEL 3

The doctor has crossed the room and is putting the otoscope away in a drawer (which means I won’t have an excuse to repeat the word “otoscope” in the next panel, alas). He has kind of a bored expression. The patient looks very surprised by what the doctor is saying.

DOCTOR: Actually, sir, I’m a millennial. We’re old now.

PATIENT: Really?

PANEL 4

The doctor is now holding a clipboard. (Instead of an otoscope.) (Ha! Found an excuse!) The doctor is looking amused, while the patient looks affronted, with his arms crossed.

DOCTOR: Yup. We’re all picking on gen Z now. but in a few years we’ll switch to gen Alpha.

PATIENT: Dammit! Why didn’t I get the memo on this?

CHICKEN FAT

Chicken fat are meaningless details that cartoonists sometimes put into cartoons to amuse ourselves. In this case, there’s a framed poster on the wall in the background. In panel 1, the poster has a realistic image of a human heart, with the caption “YOUR HEART” and then in smaller lettering “is kinda gross looking.”

The poster isn’t in frame in panel two. In panel three, the poster shows a cartoon doctor (who looks like a Muppet to me) glaring out at us. The caption says “Please tell the doctor your self-diagnosis you found online. Doctors love that.”

In panel 4, the poster of the doctor is still there, but the caption has been replaced with a lot of tiny, tiny text. The tiny text says: “I can’t believe you’re reading this tiny print, it’s not at all interesting. Watch tv instead. I honestly feel a bit guilty putting this here because I’m totally wasting your time. It’s just meaningless background text. On the other hand, it’s not like you’d be curing cancer if you weren’t reading this. But that’s okay. You’re good as you are. Read tiny print if you want to.”

Generations | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Uncategorized |

The Revising Old Novels Cycle

Cartoon by Barry

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If you like these cartoons, help us make more by supporting the Patreon! A $1 or $2 pledge really helps.

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TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has three panels, without panel borders, orbiting a caption in the middle of the cartoon. The caption says, in a big friendly font, “THE REVISING OLD NOVELS CYCLE.”

Between each panel is a big red arrow, indicating that readers should read clockwise.

You could start reading this cartoon with any panel, but for purposes of this transcript, I’m going to say the one nearest the top is panel one.

PANEL 1

Two people are talking; an indignant man carrying a tablet and wearing a tee shirt with Superman’s “S” logo on it, and a woman with glasses and a red hairband, who is agreeing with him.

MAN: I can’t believe publishers are revising decades-old novels to make them “woke.” I’ve got a solution: If you don’t like a book, don’t buy it!

WOMAN: You’re right!

A red arrow leads from panel one to…

PANEL 2

The woman in the red hairband is looking at a book with an expression of distaste.

WOMAN: Ew… This old spy novel uses the “N word.” I’ll just buy something else!

A red arrow leads from panel two to…

PANEL: 3

A woman with her arms folded is talking to a man who is looking up something on his smartphone. (They are different characters from the ones in panels 1 and 2). Both of them are dressed in business wear.

WOMAN: People aren’t buying our classic spy novels because they don’t like the racism. We’ll have to revise.

And a red arrow leads from panel three back to the first panel.

Posted in Uncategorized |

Sheeple!

Cartoon by Barry

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It occurs to me that maybe not all of my readers are so immersed in online right-wing culture that they’re familiar with the word “sheeple.” So, just in case: Merriam-Webster defines sheeple as “people who are docile, compliant, or easily influenced: people likened to sheep.”

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Writer, artist, and comics scholar Frank M. Young, who colors around one-fourth of these cartoons (this one included) agreed to write a few words about his coloring process.  Check it out on Patreon!

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TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. The setting is a bar; there’s a bar counter, patrons, framed pictures on the wall, a big window with the word “BAR” painted on it (it looks backwards, because we’re seeing it from the inside). For those who look closely at the little details, we can see that the people in the framed pictures are characters from The Muppet Show: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker, and the Swedish Chef.

PANEL ONE

A red-headed man holding a beer is sitting at the bar ranting to a woman at the bar on his right. He’s dressed casually, in a ringer t-shirt. He doesn’t see that behind him, a man is walking up. The man is an anthropomorphic sheep, wearing a collared shirt and necktie with the collar unbuttoned and the necktie pulled down a bit, The Sheep speaks angrily, holding up an objecting forefinger.

REDHEAD: SHEEPLE! Liberals are SHEEPLE! They’re AFRAID to think for themselves!

SHEEPLE: HEY!

PANEL TWO

The redheaded man has turned to face the sheeple, and pulls back in total surprise. The sheeple continues to chew him out angrily.

REDHEAD: Oh! Um…

SHEEPLE: Stop spreading STEREOTYPES about SHEEPLE! I think whatever I want.

PANEL THREE

In a close-up shot of the sheeple, which was ridiculously fun for me to draw, abnd Frank told me it was fun for him to color too, the sheeple looks soulful and sad, rubbing his head with one palm.

SHEEPLE: It’s so EXHAUSTING, hearing the same bigoted NONSENSE about sheeple every day…

PANEL FOUR

The redheaded man is frantically apologizing. The Sheeple seems less mad – he’s no longer yelling – but he still looks angry, crossing his arms as he talks to the man.

The sheeple doesn’t see that, behind him, a chicken woman has approached. She’s wearing a dress with a pattern of eggs on it, and looks angry, with her arms akimbo.

REDHEAD: I didn’t MEAN–

SHEEPLE: Just because I’m a SHEEPLE doesn’t make me a CHICKEN!

CHICKEN: HEY NOW!

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Sheeple! on Patreon

Posted in Uncategorized |

Someday I’ll Be Rich!

Cartoon by Barry

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TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL ONE

A teenager is sitting in a diner booth, smiling and talking directly to the reader. He has messy red hair and a brightly striped t-shirt. There’s a plate of food on the table in front of him, and a sign taped to the wall behind him says “Wanted: Background gag writer – low pay.”

REDHEAD: Someday I’ll invent something BIG! Like a cure for cancer or an app everyone uses… And then I’ll be so RICH!

PANEL TWO

A smiling adult man – somewhere in his thirties or forties, probably – stands in what looks like part of work building of some sort, probably an office, and speaks directly to the reader.

He’s an older version of the teen in panel one – he’s still got the red hair and round face, but now the hair is neatly combed in a part, and he’s got a van dyke beard and mustache. He’s wearing an izod shirt with a sedate stripe.

We can see an elevator in the background, and a water cooler next to him. (There’s a goldfish swimming in the water cooler).

REDHEAD: Or maybe I’ll win the lottery… people win every day! Or a rich relative I don’t know about will die leaving me BILLIONS!

PANEL THREE

The same red-haired man speaks to us again, but now he’s a senior citizen – he’s bald on top and his face is much more wrinkled. He’s wearing a button-up sweater open over a collared shirt, and he’s carrying a cane. He’s still smiling.

He appears to be at home – there’s a floral-patterned armchair behind him, and a decorative vase on a little table in front of a window. Outside the window is a tree and also a suspicious looking man wearing an old-fashioned hat and hiding behind a bush. (The suspicious looking man has no importance at all to this cartoon). There’s a framed photo of Albert the Alligator from “Pogo” on the wall.

REDHEAD: Lots of people get rich! Sooner or later it’s BOUND to be MY turn! And THEN the life I deserve will begin!

PANEL FOUR

We’re looking at a graveyard. A gravestone front and center says “R.I.P.” on it, and a thought balloon is coming from the grave.

THOUGHT FROM GRAVE: Any day now…

That’s the end of the comic strip, but there are some irrelevant details carved on headstones. The main headstone, under the big “R.I.P.” letters, says in much smaller letters: “Blah blah blah no one reads this.” A gravestone further in the background says “Hi There. I am past my expiration date.” Another one says “Dead Tired” and another one says “Here Lies Melvin.”

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Someday I’ll Be Rich! | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Posted in Uncategorized |

Fiction or Qualified Immunity?

Cartoon by Barry

If you like these cartoons blah blah blah you know the drill. Support my Patreon!

TRANSCRIPT OF COMIC

This comic has seven panels. The first six panels are squarish, arranged in a two across three down grid; the final panel goes all the way across the bottom.

PANEL 1

This panel shows Barry (the cartoonist) speaking overly cheerfully to the readers, and gesturing towards the very large letters of the title.

At the top of the panel is some introductory text.

TEXT: The Supreme Court decided public officials aren’t responsible for violating our rights if they don’t know they’re violating rights.

TEXT: Which brings us to our game! It’s simple. You only have to guess…

Very large title lettering: IS IT FICTION OR IS IT QUALIFIED IMMUNITY?

BARRY (smaller letters): Winners get nothing.

PANEL 2

A white man in judicial robes speaks directly to the viewer. He’s got wide eyes and is smiling, like he’s a proud father just after a baby is born. Behind him, three other white male judges look on. The front white man is holding a scroll with writing on it; but it’s swaddled in cloth, and the man is holding it as if it’s a baby.

CAPTION: 1967: In the very first Q.I. case, the Supreme Court said it’s okay to arrest people for being black in a coffee shop, as long as the cops believed it was against the law.

JUDGE: We’re calling it
Qualified Immunity!

Note: In this panel, and in all the following panels, the words “qualified immunity” are always on their own line, and alternate between being all red and all blue. These are the same colors used in the title lettering.

PANEL 3

A police officer, in a uniform shirt (clack tie, badges, etc) smiles and shrugs as they talk to the readers. But they have a dog’s head instead of a human head – the head of a big German shepherd.

CAPTION: 2018: The sixth circuit ruled that police couldn’t be expected to know not to sic police dogs on suspects who have surrendered and are sitting on the ground.

Qualified Immunity!

POLICE DOG: There was just no way to know!

PANEL 4

This panels shows a man in a prison guard uniform, including a billed cap and a shoulder-mounted walkie talkie, talking to someone off-panel. He looks annoyed. Behind him is a cell door, which is solid (rather than having bars) and has a small metal panel that can be opened on this side.

CAPTION: 2017: A prisoner asked to buy snacks from the commissary… so they threw him in solitary confinement for over a year. The second circuit court said: “how could they know?”

Qualified Immunity!

GUARD: Einstein himself couldn’t have guessed that was wrong!

PANEL 5

A couple of school staff types – a balding man with half-moon glasses, wearing a jacket and tie (a stereotypical principal) and a younger woman with read hair in a thick braid, are talking to each other. The man is slapping his forehead, and the woman is looking down at the floor.

CAPTION: 2009: The Supreme Court decided that school staff had no way of knowing they shouldn’t strip-search a 13-year-old schoolgirl.

Qualified Immunity!

PRINCIPAL: We’re supposed to NOT strip-search little girls?

TEACHER: Who knew?

PANEL 6

A man in short-sleeved police uniform, and with a thick mustache, angrily talks to the reader. Behind him we can see a sidewalk, grass, a bit of a tree; it looks a little suburban.

CAPTION: 2019: A cop shoots a kid in a yard filled with children, although he was actually trying to shoot their peaceful dog. The 11th circuit court said cops can’t be expected to know better.

Qualified Immunity!

COP: How could I know not to shoot dogs and children? I’m not a wizard!

PANEL 7

This is a full-width panel at the bottom of the strip. The panel contains a caption in large, friendly letters: ANSWERS

Barry the cartoonist is back, talking to the reader, grinning too wide yet looking distressed, sweating.

BARRY: You guessed it— all these cases are real!

BARRY: Because we live in a near-police state where cops are never held accountable! USA! USA!

Posted in Uncategorized |

Arguing On The Internet

Cartoon by Barry

Please help us make more swell cartoons by supporting my Patreon!

(Patrons got to see this cartoon months before I posted it in public.)

This cartoon is drawn by my awesome and frequent collaborator, Becky Hawkins. I especially love what she did with the expression and lighting on the character’s face in the last panel.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a tiny additional “kicker” panel under the fourth panel.

PANEL 1

We see a woman with bright purple hair is sitting at a desk, facing a desktop computer, and facepalming. The room looks like an apartment or house, not a place of business.

There’s an open soda can next to her. In the background we can see a window with blue sky, a poster that combines the anarchy “A” symbol with a drawing of a cat face and the caption “Equality! Justice! Naps!,” and a cat lying on a cat bed below the window.

There is a computer-drawn rectangular word balloon, with sound effects reading “tap tap tap tap” leading from the balloon towards the computer, showing what she’s typing on the computer.

TYPED ON THE COMPUTER: If you’d look at the evidence for even a second you’d see tha

PURPLEHAIR (in a thought balloon): What am I even doing?

PANEL 2

The same shot. The purple-haired woman has leaned back a bit and has a hand on her chin as she thinks. In the background, the cat has looked up at her with a little ? floating over its head.

PURPLEHAIR (in a thought balloon): I’ve been arguing online for hours. He’s not gonna change his mind. There are so many better things I could be doing.

PANEL 3

A close shot of her, now with wide eyes and a big smile, looking up a bit in anticipation.

PURPLEHAIR (in a thought balloon): Yes! I’ll organize a zoom with friends I haven’t seen lately! And take a walk! And I’ll finally volunteer for that anti-hunger group. Starting right now!

PANEL 4

The same shot as the first two panels. But it’s much darker now; through the window we can see the moon and stars. The only source of light in this room seems to be the computer monitor, shining on Purplehair’s face. There are now many more empty soda cans scattered around her.

Purplehair is typing, leaning foward, looking angry but also exhausted; her eyes are wide and bloodshot (in a cartoony comedy fashion). Her cat is leaning against her shoulder, trying to get her attention. The cat has a little thought balloon with a picture of a can of cat food in it.

Another computer-style speech balloon has the “tap tap tap tap” sound effect leading from the balloon towards the computer keyboard.

TYPED ON THE COMPUTER: And ANOTHER thing! Why do YOU guys ALWAYS SAY you’re fo

TINY KICKER PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE COMIC STRIP

We see Purplehair’s face; she has a huge satisfied smile and is glowing.

PURPLEHAIR: I’ve done it – I’ve proven that a stranger on the internet is wrong!

PURPLEHAIR: Now I’ll never have to do that again!

This cartoon on Patreon.

Posted in Barry's favorites, Becky Hawkins collaborations, Uncategorized |

The Post Office Is Dying!

Cartoon by Barry

If you like these cartoons, please help me make more by supporting my Patreon! A $1 or $2 pledge really helps (plus, just as a matter of philosophy, I love the idea of earning a living through small donations from many donors.)

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same two characters: A businessman-looking character in a pinstripe suit, and an anthropomorphic blue mailbox – one of the big metal ones, found on street corners, that you can drop your mail into for postal workers to pick up. The recessed slot where mail is inserted is drawn to be the mailbox’s mouth, and it lifts one of its four legs to gesture with it like a human making a hand gesture.

All four panels take place in the same location, a sidewalk in a city or town. There’s some litter and pebbles scattered across the sidewalk, and also some fallen leaves from a tree. Across the street we can see another sidewalk and a building; a sign on the corner of the building says “back ground detail.”

PANEL 1

Pinstripes walks into the panel, holding his hand out towards Mailbox. Mailbox is grinning and gesturing towards itself.

PINSTRIPES: Post Office! I heard you’re nearly dead!

MAILBOX: No, no! I’ve had my ups and downs, adjusting to the digital age, but I’m still here! Honestly, I can last for decades! Or forever!

PANEL 2

Pinstripes rubs a hand over his chin thoughtfully. Mailbox leans back and laughs.

PINSTRIPES: What if I pass a law weighing you down by making you pay retiree health care costs over fifty years in advance?

MAILBOX: Ha-ha! That would be ridiculous! No corporation or public agency has ever been required to-

PANEL 3

A gigantic, heavy sack – bigger than either character – drops out of the sky, slamming Mailbox to the ground with a big “WHAM!” sound effect. Maibox is literally crushed under the weight, although its “head” is in the clear. Mailbox’s mouth is open in an expression of surprise and pain, and several envelopes come shooting out of its mouth. Meanwhile, Pinstripes watches with arms folded, looking satisfied.

PANEL 4

Smirking, Pinstripes puts a hand by his mouth to shout out, the other hand pointing at Mailbox on the ground. Mailbox, still trapped under the enormous weight, looks stunned.

PINSTRIPES: On no! The Post Office is dying! Now we have to privatize it!

Posted in Uncategorized |

Meet My Liberal Beliefs

Cartoon by Barry

If you like these cartoons, please help me make more by supporting my Patreon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a small “kicker” panel under the bottom of the comic strip.

PANEL 1

We’re in a hilly park or field. Two people appear to be having an argument. One is a brown-skinned woman with black hair, with a couple of pink streaks running through it.  She’s wearing a white tank top with broad blue strips on it. Let’s call her PINKY. The other person is a white man wearing a white tee shirt with a “!” design on it. He has fluffy brown hair and a full beard. Let’s call him BEARDO.

Pinky is looking angry and pointing a critical finger at Beardo. Beardo is looking angry, too, and is making a big “I’m frustrated” arm gesture.

BEARDO: It’s illibral to accuse people of “racism.” Where’s due process? Where’s freedom of speech?

PINKY: I’m so tired of that right-wing —

PANEL 2

Pinky jumps back in alarm, while Beardo talks on cheerfully. Between them, a superhero has appeared in a puff of smoke (there’s a “poof” sound effect). The superhero is wearing a tight blue outfit, with boots and a cape and a shield-shaped symbol on his chest that says “MLB.” He is standing in with his hands on his hips and his chest thrust up a bit. His expression is happy but also smug.

PINKY: Whoa! Where’d HE come from?

BEARDO: This is My Liberal Beliefs. He suddenly appears and protects me when I’m accused of being right-wing.

PANEL 3

There is a close-up of a bunch of political logo pins, pined to My Liberal Beliefs’ chest. We can see Beardo’s hand as he points at the pins. There are five pins, and here’s what they say:

“Pro Choice until I decide it’s gone too far”

“I will probably VOTE democrat.”

“I fight for FREE SPEECH of wealthy pundits s who are very like myself.”

“Gay Marriage Yay!”

“If I had been around back then I’m sure I would have marched with MLK.”

BEARDO: Just LOOK at all My Liberal Beliefs! How could I possibly be right-wing?

PANEL 4

Pinky looks a little annoyed, while Beardo, who has his arms folded across his chest, looks quite cheerful. In between them, My Liberal Beliefs has disappeared, leaving a “poof cloud” in the air behind him.

PINKY: So do Your Liberal Beliefs ever speak aloud?

BEARDO: That’s not what they’re for.

SMALL KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

Beardo, looking a bit angry, is talking to Barry the cartoonist.

BEARDO: So if virtually every public argument I make is attacking the left, THAT makes me right-wing?

BARRY: Only literally.

Posted in Uncategorized |

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Cartoon by Barry

If you like these cartoons, help make them happen by supporting my patreon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has ten panels, arranged as a 3×3 grid of nine panels, with a wide tenth panel beneath. All of the panels show a maroon wingback chair on an otherwise empty green hill.

PANEL 1

In the distance, just beyond the crest of the hill, Justice Ginsberg is looking towards us.

RBG: The notion that we have all the democracy that money can buy strays so far from what our democracy i s supposed to be.

PANEL 2

RBG has walked to just behind the chair as she continues to speak.

RBG: What greater defeat could we suffer than to come to resemble the forces we oppose in their disrespect for human dignity?

PANEL 3

RBG has sat in the chair and look angry, spreading her arms to make a point.

RBG: Throwing out the Voting Rights Act when it has worked and is continuing to work… Is like throwing away your umbrella in a rainstorm because you’re not getting wet.

PANEL 4

Skies have been clear blue up to this point in the cartoon. They have turned a bit grayer, and there are white clouds in the sky.

RBG leans forward a bit in the chair, holding her hands together.

RBG: A gender line helps to keep women not on a pedestal but in a cage.

PANEL 5

A close-up of RBG, holding up a forefinger to make a point. For the first time in this cartoon, she’s smiling.

RBG: Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you.

PANEL 6

RBG has stood up and is walking off the page, with her back turned to us.

PANEL 7

The chair sits on the hillside, with no one around. The skies are a bit darker now, and the clouds are gray.

PANEL 8

From the right border of the cartoon, RBG leans in for a moment, like someone peering around a wall, to talk to us. She’s smirking a bit.

RBG: When I’m asked “when will there enough women on the Supreme Court,” and I say “when there are nine, people are shocked!

PANEL 9

RBG faces the viewer and shrugs.

RBG: But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that.

PANEL 10

A much wider panels shows a slightly more distant shot of the chair on the hill. No one is in sight. The sky is much darker now, and dark clouds roll in from either side.

Posted in Uncategorized |

Both Sides Are Equally Bad!

Cartoon by Barry

Please help me make more cartoons by supporting my Patreon! I make a living primarily from lots of people pledging $1, and that’s kind of awesome.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels; two rows containing five panels between them, and then a final row with just a single large panel.

Panel 1

Three people stand on a city sidewalk talking.  There is “Mr. Right,” a bald white man wearing a dress shirt and a tie; a woman wearing glasses, a white collared shirt and a floral skirt; and “Ms. Left,” a black-haired woman wearing a hoodie and jeans.

Glasses has turned to her left, to address Ms Left.

GLASSES: Whats’ the worst thing you do, Ms Left?

MS LEFT: Well,.. Some of our extremists punch people, and not everyone punched is a Nazi.

Panel 2

Glasses has now turned to her right, to ask Mr Right a question.

GLASSES: And Mr Right, what’s the worst thing you do?

MR RIGHT: Oh, you know… Forced child separation, inhumane detention camps, and mass shootings inspired by the violent rhetoric of our highest elected leaders.

Panel 3

A close-up of Glasses, who is holding up a hand with a “stop!” gesture and looking upward as if thinking.

GLASSES: But if you both do violence… Then that means…

Panel 4

An even tighter close-up of Glasses. Her hands are up on her face, and her eyes are wide, as if she’s having a startling realization.

GLASSES: That both of you are…

Panel 5

A very tight close-up of Glasses’ face – her entire head doesn’t even fit in the panel.  She’s grinning too wide and sweating and looks very intense. Her dialog in this panel, rather than being contained in a dialog balloon, is done in huge, happy letters superimposed over the image.

GLASSES: EQUALLY BAD!

Panel 6

A large panel, showing Mr. Right and Glasses grinning and dancing joyously while they sing. Musical notes fill the air around them. On the far right of the panel, Ms Left is facepalming.

MR RIGHT (sings): Equally bad! Equally bad!

GLASSES (sings): Equally bad!

MS LEFT (thought): Why do I even talk to centrists?

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Everything Is Problematic!

Cartoon by Barry

Help me make more cartoons by supporting my Patreon! A $1 pledge really helps.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has five panels, with the same two characters – a young woman wearing glasses and a pink scarf, and another young woman wearing a long yellow jacket. In the first two panels, the two are sitting around an apartment, on a couch.

Panel 1 

Scarf woman is reading a comic book, and speaks enthusiastically to Jacket woman, who looks unconvinced.

SCARF: Have you read this comic? It’s really awesome.

JACKET: I heard the creator was arrested for beating his girlfriend.

Panel 2 

Scarf tosses the comic over her shoulder. Jacket looks a bit angry as she talks, waving a hand in the air.

SCARF: Screw comics, then. We’ll just browse the internet.

JACKET: Yeah! We can google how the workers who make our devices are horribly abused.

Panel 3 

Scarf tries again, but Jacket rejects the idea again, standing up with her arms crossed, turning her back on Jacket.

SCARF: Let’s watch an old movie. Something made before the internet.

JACKET: Hitchcock, Kubrick, Bertolucci… Lots of directors abused their actresses back then. Just like today.

Panel 4

The two characters, after a quick back and forth, both yell to the sky (or ceiling) in abject frustration.

SCARF: Music?

JACKET: R. Kelly.

SCARF: Disney?

JACKET: Are you joking?

BOTH: AAAGH! EVERYTHING IS  PROBLEMATIC!

Panel 5 

The two characters are now out in a beautiful, sprawling park, with trees and rolling hills, sitting on a  hillside. Scarf is smiling and leaning back; Jacket has her arms crossed on her knees and still looks crabby.

SCARF: Isn’t it great out here, enjoying clean, unproblematic nature?

JACKET: Stolen land.

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How Dare They Call Me A Conservative!

Cartoon by Barry

Help me make more cartoons – support my patreon! A $1 pledge really helps.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels. All six panels feature a 50ish white man, wearing glasses and a suit jacket over a black tee shirt, speaking directly to the viewer. Two of the panels are much narrower than the other four. In addition to those six panels, there’s also a tiny “kicker” panel below the bottom of the cartoon.

PANEL 1

A medium shot of the man. He is speaking excitedly and angrily at the viewer, holding a fist in the air. We can see there’s a tree behind him.

MAN: Did you read my article in Quibbette? I show how there’s no freedom of speech for anyone criticizing the “woke” fascists!

PANEL 2

A longer shot lets us see he’s standing on a path on what might be a college  quadrangle. It’s a park-like space with trees and a faux-roman style building in the background. He continues to speak intensely, holding up a forefinger to make a point.

MAN: Like I said in the Times, the campus left are coddled, free-speech hating totalitarians!

PANEL 3

In a closer shot, and a much smaller, narrower panel, the man, smiling, cups his mouth with a hand to whisper to the viewer. He’s making a thumbs up sign with his other hand.

MAN (whispering): Psst! I’m pro-choice, and I voted for Obama.

PANEL 4

He’s back to angry rant mode, raising both hands into the air.

MAN: Like I said on Fox: The Democrats have been taken over by identitarian totalitarians who hate white men!

PANEL 5

Again smiling and whispering in a much narrower panel.

MAN: Psst! Have I mentioned I have a Black friend?

PANEL 6

In the final panel, the man has a hurt expression, and is holding one hand flat on his chest.

MAN: And how dare they call me a conservative after I took all those liberal positions!

SMALL KICKER PANEL BELOW BOTTOM OF STRIP

Still talking directly at the viewer, the man looks angry again.

MAN: And why can’t those fascist totalitarian cowardly thugs be more civil?

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It Does Sound Wonderful

Cartoon by Barry

If you like these cartoons, and can spare it, please help me make more by supporting my Patreon! A $1 pledge means a lot to me.

Transcript of cartoon

This cartoon has four main panels, and also a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the cartoon.

PANEL 1
This panel shows two men, in what looks like a kitchen. One is a bald man with glasses and a argyle sweater vest, the other is a man wearing a sleeveless shirt who has a full-sleeve tattoo on his left arm. Tattoo is sitting at a table, with a plate of food and a coffee mug in front of him, watching something on his smartphone. Argyle has his hand on Tattoo’s shoulder, and is leaning over to watch Tattoo’s smartphone.

ARGYLE: Whatcha watching?
TATTOO: Some Youtube guy.
YOUTUBER (speaking on smartphone)L You know what Democrats really want? Socialism!

PANEL 2
A close up of Tattoo’s smartphone. On the phone screen, a video is playing, showing a man yelling at the camera, a forefinger held up in the air.

YOUTUBER: Can you imagine how hard it is to be a cop now?> If you so much as rough up a suspect – BOOM! You’re fired!

PANEL 3
Like panel 2, a close-up on the smartphone. The youtuber looks aggravated and his holding both hands up in a “explaining my point” sort of gesture.

YOUTUBER: You can’t make jokes about anyone anymore! Jews, Blacks, gays, trans, fatties – all off limits!
YOUTUBER: Racism was a problem like a century ago – but that’s all over now!

PANEL 4
Argyle has turned to Tattoo is and is clasping his hands together in front of him, in a begging gesture. Tattoo is amused.

ARGYLE: Can we please move to the American the right thinks we live in?
TATTOO: It does sound wonderful!

SMALL KICKER PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE STRIP
Argyle talks to Tattoo; they both look amused.
ARGYLE: Getting in should be easy – I hear they don’t guard the border at all.

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Politicizing Tragedy

Cartoon by Barry

If you enjoy these cartoons, and can spare it, please support my Patreon! A $1 pledge really matters.

TRANSCRIPT

PANEL 1
A man and a woman stand in a field. From off-panel, there is the sound of gunfire – “Bang! Bang! Bang!”
WOMAN: Oh God. There’s another mass shooting! We need gun control laws!
MAN: You ghoul! Stop politicizing tragedy!

PANEL 2
The man pontificates, fingertips of one hand on his breast, the other hand pointing off into the distance.
MAN: We have to wait a respectful amount of time…

PANEL 3
The woman’s arms are akimbo, looking impatient. The man holds up one hand in a “wait” gesture, while looking at a watch on his other wrist.
WOMAN: Okay, NOW can we talk about gun control?
MAN: Just a moment….
MAN (small print to indicate something mumbled to himself): C’mon, c’mon…

PANEL 4
The woman jumps, suprrised by a new round of gunfire from off panel. BANG! BANG! BANG! The man speaks, looking very self-satisfied.
MAN: What a shame. Looks like we can’t discuss it now, either.

KICKER PANEL AT BOTTOM:
MAN: I’m not the one who makes up the rules.
WOMAN: Yes you are!

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If It Quacks Like A Trump

Cartoon by Barry

If you enjoy these cartoons, please support them on Patreon! Even a $1 pledge means a lot to me.

Transcript of Cartoon

The image shows a bunch of ducklings swimming down a small river, following the mother duck. The ducklings are yellow; the mother duck is orange and has big swooping hair and basically is drawn to look a bit like Donald Trump.

DUCKLING 1: I will always say #nevertrump.
DUCKLING 2: As principled conservatives, we can’t follow a man with no principles!
DUCKLING 3: I myself issued a mild rebuke of Trump before I voted for his latest bill.
DUCKLING 4: We will resist!
DUCKLING 5: We are resisting!
TRUMP DUCK (cheerfully): Come along, kids.

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Run Them Down

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon appears today at The Nib.

If you like these cartoons, please support them at Patreon. Even a $1 pledge means a lot to me.

Transcript of Cartoon

Panel 1 shows a white man wearing a collared shirt and a necktie pouring gasoline out of a can.
MAN: Wow, this popular conservative columnist and law professor says protestors should be run down! Retweet!

Panel 2 shows the same man striking a match. He has a disturbingly large grin.
MAN: GOP legislators in North Carolina, Florida and Tennesee want to protect drivers who “accidentally” run down protestors? About time!

Panel 3 shows the same man, lit by a huge fire behind him, shrugging.
MAN: Someone plowed their car into left-wing protestors? How awful! How does someone even come up with a sick idea like that?

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The One Thing We Can All Agree On

Cartoon by Barry

Transcript of cartoon:

Two people – a woman and a man – are arguing on a sidewalk. The woman has long curly black hair, and is wearing sweatpants and a tank top; the man has short blonde hair (shaved on the sides) and is wearing a button-down shirt.

Panel 1
WOMAN: Conservatives have no compassion!
MAN: Why do liberals hate freedom?

Panel 2
Both characters are yelling.
WOMAN: Wingnut! Teabagger! Republithug! Fundie!
MAN: Sheeple! SJW! Moonbat! Totalitarian!

Panel 3
The woman stomps away as the man turns his back on her.
WOMAN: Here’s an idea: Kill yourself!
MAN: Die under a bus!

Panel 4 is a “split-screen” panel, showing two separate scenes divided by a diagonal line. In one scene, the woman is talking angrily into her cell phone; in the other, the man is talking angrily at someone who is off-panel. The two characters share one word balloon, as they are saying the exact same thing.
BOTH CHARACTERS: I tried talking, but those people refuse to be reasonable!

Posted in Uncategorized |

The 32 Worst Anti-Feminists

Cartoon by Barry

You can find a full transcript for this cartoon on Everyday Feminism.

Posted in Barry's favorites, Uncategorized |

The Fat Whisperer

Cartoon by Barry

Thanks to Everyday Feminism for publishing this comic! And thanks to them as well, for the following transcript:

Panel 1

(A friendly-looking, thin, conventionally attractive white man – “The Fat Whisperer” – speaks directly to the viewer.)

FW: Hi! I’m the Fat Whisperer!

Panel 2

(FW points his finger in the air. He has a smug look on his face.)

FW: I help fat people by telling them things they’ve never heard!  Like “you’d look so much nicer if you lost all that weight.”

Panel 3

(FW has a confused expression. His hands are positioned like he is seeking answers.)

FW:  “Have you considered putting down the donuts and going for a jog?” (Probably they haven’t!)

Panel 4

(FW holds his hands to his chest, as if he is making a heartfelt statement.)

FW: Or I tell them “being fat could harm your health!” (I bet most fatties have never heard that!)

Panel 5

(FW makes a disgusted expression, holds hands, palms forward, in front of his body to demonstrate rejection.)

FW: But you know what I hate? “Fat Acceptance.” Gross! Fat people can’t “accept” themselves!

Panel 6

(FW has a frustrated facial expression, and points at his hand.)

FW: Fat people need shame and self-loathing! Otherwise they’ll get fatter and worse. Why doesn’t anyone ever teach fat people that?

Panel 7

(FW has his arms crossed in front of his body and wears an angry expression.)

FW: We can’t accept fat people. Because fat people are sinful and weak!

Panel 8

(FW gestures towards himself and looks proud.)

FW: (And if fat people are sinful and weak, that makes thin people like me virtuous and strong!)

Panel 9

(FW is beginning to look even angrier than before. His eyes and mouth are wide open and he is shaking his fist in the air.)

FW: Without me, who’d ever tell these people: Take a run, Lardo! Put down the Twinkies! Where’s your self-respect?

Panel 10

(FW has totally lost it. He is sweating and screaming with rage.)

FW: YOUR BODY DISGUSTS ME AND YOU SHOULD BE SAD!

Panel 11

(FW regains his calm and looks a bit sheepish. His clothes are now disheveled from his tantrum.)

FW: Er… I only say these things because I care!

Panel 12

(FW looks devastated, confused, deeply concerned, and as if he believes he is the victim.)

FW: But sadly, most fat people never hear any of this stuff!

Posted in Barry's favorites, Fat Acceptance, Uncategorized |