Personal Vehicle Arms Race

Cartoon by Barry

This comic was drawn by my most frequent collaborator, Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows two characters walking together on city sidewalks, with parked cars and traffic visible in every panel. The main character, a blonde man with neat hair, a blue polo shirt, and peach shorts, is the speaker. His friend is a brown-haired woman wearing a pink sleeveless shirt and leggings. Both carry ice cream cones.

PANEL 1

The man points to a sleek little blue car parked nearby.

MAN: I used to drive a small car like that, but my husband Bill wanted me in something big to be safe from other drivers.

PANEL 2

The man clasps his hands excitedly as he thinks of a mini-truck, stars in his eyes. The background is his thought bubble, and in the bubble is an image of him driving in a cute green mini-truck. Captions surrounding the mini-truck say “less expensive” and “better gas mileage” and “easy to park.”

MAN: Then I wanted a Japanese mini-truck. But Bill said U.S. laws make it almost impossible to import a new one.

PANEL 3

The two pedestrians pause at a street corner as they chat. At the same intersection, a red SUV runs a stop sign, and a smaller SUV is cut off and has to suddenly brake.

MAN: Anyway, Bill said I need something really big! Roads nowadays are dog eat dog! To be safe I’ve gotta be the biggest dog!

PANEL 4

The two pedestrians have come to a stop. The man is smiling and waves hi at the driver of a truck which has parked there. The friend, looking up at the truck, is so startled she drops her ice cream.

The truck is enormous – probably three times the height of an adult man, and straddling at least three parking spaces. Even the headlights are above the man’s head.

In the driver’s seat, Bill, a happy looking guy with an orange beard, waves back.

MAN: And here’s Bill now!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is an old cartoonists’ expression for unimportant details that might amuse.

In panel one, a car has a license plate which says “TINY print.”

In panel two, the stuff piled in the back of the mini-truck include a dressmaker’s dummy and a rubber ducky.

In panel four, a big truck says “Stronk Boys Moving Co” on the side.

In panel three, a car has a license plate that says “DONT read me.” And the FURIOUS expression of the driver whose car was cut off is priceless.

Personal Vehicle Arms Race | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations |

They Walk Among Us

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, all of the same scene: Two women are waiting at a bus stop, talking. One woman, who I’ll call, oh, I dunno, I’ll just randomly say CHAYA, is wearing a modest purple dress and has long brown hair. The other woman, who I’ll call HAIRCLIP, is wearing a yellow front-button shirt and blue tights. And she has a hair clip. 🙂

PANEL 1

Both women are seated on the bus stop bench. Chaya is holding her smartphone in front of Hairclip’s face; Hairclip is leaning away, taken by surprise.

CHAYA: Look at this! It’s a picture of a greeter at a children’s museum!

HAIRCLIP: Um… so?

PANEL 2

Chaya has stood and is pushing the smartphone at Hairclip, who has raised a hand to push the smartphone away. Chaya is yelling a bit.

CHAYA: Well, I think this person looks trans! Isn’t that awful? Doesn’t it make you feel panic and rage?

PANEL 3

Hairclip has stood and is chewing out Chaya, who sits back down.

HAIRCLIP: No, of course not! It’s just someone doing their job! What’s wrong with you?

PANEL 4

Hairclip stomps off angrily. Behind her, Chaya looks happy, even serene, as she looks at her smartphone screen.

HAIRCLIP (thought): Jerk! Good thing no one would listen to a clown like that.

A large arrow-shaped caption points at Chaya. The caption says “3.5 million followers.”

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an obsolete cartoonists’ term for amusing but unnecessary details the cartoonist puts into the cartoon.

In this cartoon, there’s an ad on the public bench they’re sitting on. No single panel shows the whole bench, but if you look at all of them you can determine that the ad says “#1 New York Times Bestseller I HAVE BEEN SILENCED!, with an image of the guy from this cartoon.

The bus stop sign has an image of a rocket ship instead of a bus.

In panel 4, a newspaper is lying on the ground. The newspaper is called “Background Post.” The headline says “TRAGIC!,” and the subhead says “Artist fails to leave enuf room for text, nation mourns.”

They Walk Among Us | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, LGBT cartoons |

Why We Say “As A Jew”

Cartoon by Barry

This comic was drawn by Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same two women having an argument on a grassy area of a college campus (we can see a definitely collegiate brick building in the background). Both of them look like college students.

The student on the left has wavy green hair and is wearing a dark tank top with ripped armholes and collar and a drawing of a possum skull on the front. She has a septum piercing and is wearing leather boots.

The student on the right has wavy brunette hair and is rather nattily dressed in a blue sweater vest over a pink front-button shirt, rectangular glasses, and heeled boots.

Let’s call these two GREENIE and GLASSES.

PANEL 1

Greenie talks to Glasses with an earnest expression; Glasses has turned away from Greenie with her arms crossed, and looks annoyed.

GREENIE: I am Jewish, and as a Jew, I think what Israel’s doing is horr-

GLASSES: “As a Jew.” Hah! You know why anti-Israel Jews always say they’re speaking “as a Jew”?

PANEL 2

Greenie spreads her arm in an “explainy” sort of way, but it cut off by Glasses, who turns to face her, with an angry expression and pointing a finger accusingly at Greenie.

GREENIE: Because-

GLASSES: You say it because you want to tokenize yourself! You use being Jewish as a way to slander your people.

PANEL 3

A shot from Greenie’s POV, showing Glasses leaning forward, a furious expression on her face, pointing straight at the viewer like Uncle Sam in the “wants you” poster.

GLASSES: You “AsAJew” types are cosplay Jews! You’re modern day kapos giving comfort to the enemy! You’re the Jew who turns in other Jews to the Nazis because you hope you’ll be spared! And that’s why you said “as a Jew!”

PANEL 4

A large caption at the top of the panel says “A MINUTE EARLIER.”

Greenie is looking annoyed, arms akimbo, as she listens to Glasses, who is declaiming with one pointer finger held high in the air.

GLASSES: You wouldn’t say that if you were Jewish!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

In panel one, on a tree in the background, a squirrel with a tiny blue backpack is crouched on a branch. In panel two, the squirrel has launched itself into the air, and the backpack has unfurled a blue parachute. In panel four – which takes place before panel one – we see the squirrel back in the tree, poking its head out of a hole.

There’s a newspaper lying on the ground near Glasses’ feet. The name of the newspaper is “Background Daily.” In panel one, the front page says “This repeats three times in this comic. No need to read the other ones!” In panel two, it says “seriously you can stop reading this.” And in panel four, it says “This headline takes place before panel one.”

Why We Say “As A Jew” | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Imperialism & War |

A Concise History of Keeping The Immigrants Out

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is drawn by Becky Hawkins.

Click here to read Becky’s post about drawing this cartoon, and to see some of the reference photos she used!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each showing a different scene in a different era.

PANEL 1

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: 1871

Two wealthy-looking white Victorian men, middle aged and elderly aged, are sitting in armchairs in front of a fireplace in what looks like an expensive men’s club. One holds a glass of liquor, the other a cigar, as they talk to each other. In the background is a server with red hair, holding a tray with a bottle and glasses on it, and looking annoyed.

RICH GUY 1: We can’t let just anybody immigrate! The Irish are lazy and stupid!

RICH GUY 2: Better Irish than Chinese. I say keep ’em all out!

PANEL 2

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: 1939

Two white women walk along the boardwalk. One woman is wearing a floppy hat, pearls, and a light purple dress, and is carrying a green umbrella to shield herself from the sun. The other woman is wearing a green sash and turban over a tan pantsuit. The second woman is pointing out to the ocean, where we can see a large ship which might be the MS St Louis.

SASH WOMAN: Even if Nazis are killing Jews – and we all know Jews lie – why is that our problem? We can’t afford thousands of Jews leeching off the rest of us!

PANEL 3

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: TODAY

Two white women are walking through a park. One is wearing a broad hat, shorts, and carrying a backpack; the other is wearing a pink visor, and carrying a water bottle. In the background, a brown-skinned man carrying gardening shears watches them, not looking visibly annoyed but definitely aware of what they’re saying.

BACKPACK WOMAN: Central American “refugees” don’t want to work – they come here to live off welfare and crime!

PANEL 4

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: 2146

Two people with ambiguous gender are standing. They’re wearing some sort of hover shoes, so they’re actually floating about a foot above the ground, with a yellow haze shooting out the bottom of their shoes. One is wearing a blue onesie with a wide futuristic looking yellow collar, along with a yellow hat and a fanny pack in front; the other is wearing a shawl over a crop top with lace trim, and a long green cargo skirt. The woman with the shawl is rudely pointing at a few obvious aliens (with tentacles instead of legs, gray skin, and huge black eyes) who are just a couple of feet away. One alien holds a map, which both of them are looking at, while the other is holding an alien baby.

LACE TOP WOMAN: Immigrants in the old days became good Americans. But these so-called “refugees” are lazy criminals! I say keep ’em out!

A Concise History of Keeping The Immigrants Out | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Racism & Racists, Social Justice |

Door to Door Policy Salesman

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All four panels show the same scene and the same two characters. We are outside a middle-class looking house, looking at the front door. The door is open, and a 1950s-housewife-looking woman, with a bouffant hairdo and a green dress, is standing in the doorway. She’s talking to a man in a gray suit, with a matching fedora, carrying a brown suitcase.

We’ll call these two characters “Housewife” and “Salesman.”

In addition to the four panels, there’s a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the strip.

PANEL 1

The salesman stands talking to the housewife, one hand outspread in a friendly fashion. The housewife looks nervous and has a hand resting on her chest in an “oh my” gesture.

SALESMAN Good morning, ma’am. I’m a door to door domestic policy salesman, and–

HOUSEWIFE: I’m sorry, we just can’t afford anything.

PANEL 2

The salesman, smiling in a friendly way, is holding his case out and open to display his wares. The housewife turns her head away, holding up one palm in a “no no no” gesture.

SALESMAN: But I’ve got universal health care. Very popular – lots of nations have it.

HOUSEWIFE: No no. We could never afford anything like that.

PANEL 3

Warming to his own sales pitch, the salesman is jubilantly holding a bunch of pamphlets, raising some of them towards the sky. The housewife looks very flustered.

SALESMAN: I’ve got policies for your kids that’ll save you money in the long run. Universal pre-K, lead removal…

HOUSEWIFE: Oh, gosh no. We couldn’t afford anything like that.

PANEL 4

The salesman, looking disappointed, has turned away and is looking at his pamphlets to see what else he can offer. Behind him, the housewife is smiling big with an excited expression, and holding two huge bags of money (we know it’s money because the bags are labeled ” $ “) to offer the salesman.

SALESMAN: Hmm… I’ve also got a big increase in policing and prisons. But it’s expen-”

HOUSEWIFE (very large font): WE’LL TAKER IT!

TINY “KICKER” PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE STRIP

A similar but different salesman (gray hair, brown fedora) is speaking to the same housewife, as he raises his hat in greeting. The housewife is eager, and her eye is drawn as a heart.

SALESMAN: Good morning, ma’am. I’m a door to door war salesman.

HOUSEWIFE: Just give me a sec to mortgage my house.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an obscure and outdated cartoonist expression for meaningless but hopefully entertaining details in a cartoon. This cartoon has two pieces of chicken fat:

Panel 1: A balding man is peering over a fence in the background.

Panel 3: On the lawn in the background, a rat, wearing pink cats-eye sunglasses, is sunbathing lying on a rat-sized outdoor chaise lounge.

Door to Door Policy Salesman | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, Economic cartoons, Health care, Right-wingers |

New Solutions to the Trolley Car Problem!

Cartoon by Barry

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Right-wingers |

The Celestial Politics of Trans Bans

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels.

PANEL 1

A reporter is pushing their microphone right in front of the Governor’s face. The Governor is wearing a suit jacket over a turtleneck with a necklace on top of the shirt, and has obviously professionally done hair. She looks a little uncertain.

REPORTER: Governor, what’s your position on the gender affirming care ban?

GOVERNOR: The bill blocking doctors from treating trans kids? Um…

PANEL 2

A close-up on the governor’s face. Next to the governor, floating in the air, a little angel has appeared with a “POOF!” sound effect and a little white cloud. The governor is looking at the shoulder angel out of the corners of her eyes.

ANGEL: This is an awful bill!

PANEL 3

A close shot of the shoulder angel let’s us see her outfit clearly. She has light purple hair combed to one side, and her head is buzzcut on the other side. She’s wearing a white leather jacket with metal studs and a zipper on the sleeve, a white skirt, fishnets, and white boots. She’s also got little white wings and a halo floating over her head.

She has her hands fisted and looks a little angry.

ANGEL: This bill is pandering to bigots! It’s giving in to a moral panic! And it’ll do so much harm to trans kids!

PANEL 4

A longer shot, allowing us to see the shoulder angel, the Governor, and – appearing on the opposite side of the Governor from the angel in a “POOF!” and a considerably darker cloud – a shoulder devil. The devil is a woman in a red two-piece suit over a yellow v-neck blouse, and heels to match the blouse. She has two horns, bat-like wings, and is carrying a trident.

The Governor looks thoughtful, hand on her chin, one eyebrow lifted, looking at the shoulder devil out of the corners of her eyes.

ANGEL: All to solve a problem that doesn’t even exist!

DEVIL: Ahem

PANEL 5

The shoulder devil, raising her arms as if cheerleading, speaks to the Governor, who is now looking more directly at the devil. The angel’s eyes widen in dismay.

DEVIL: Fearmongering wins elections.

PANEL 6

Looking more confident, the Governor is now speaking into the microphone.  Her text is smaller sized and has no word balloon, indicating that it’s sort of a background detail. The angel has her arms crossed and is sitting (in mid air) with her legs crossed, looking at the Governor with annoyance.  The devil is holding her pitchfork above her head in both hands and practically dancing, a huge and evil grin, victorious.

GOVERNOR: …protect children from perverts blah blah blah…

ANGEL: Well, this sucks.

DEVIL: This is great! Next let’s do a law forcing teachers to out trans students!

Celestial Politics of Trans Bans | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, LGBT cartoons |

HOMOPHOBIC WOKE PARENTS ARE TURNING GAY KIDS TRANS!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is another collaboration with Becky Hawkins!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel depicts a TV talk show, called “The JAQ Off.”  There are a couple of plants (with “The JAQ Off” written on their pots), and between them a desk with “Just Asking Questions” painted in large letters on the front. We can see big TV lights pointing at the desk.

Two women are seated behind the desk. On the left is the host of the show, who has short, nicely styled brown hair, and is wearing a suit jacket over a green blouse. On the right is the guest, an older woman with long white hair wearing a blue turtleneck. We’ll call them HOST and DEEMS.

PANEL 1

The Host is smiling and speaking to the camera as she gestures at her guest. Deems is speaking and holding her palms up as if denying an accusation.

HOST: Our guest is Doctor Debbie Deems of the prestigious American Medical Association! She’s here to talk about protecting gay teens.

DEEMS: Technically, we’re the American Medical Approximation. It’s a common mix-up we’re certainly not trying to encourage.

PANEL 2

The host takes a sip of her water while she makes a shrug with her other arm. The guest lifts herself up from her seat a little, her expression conveying urgency.

HOST: Tomayto tomahto. What’s the main danger gay teens face?

DEEMS: The big danger is they’re being force to turn trans.

PANEL 3

A close-up on Deems as she makes a point to the camera, a forefinger upheld. She looks pretty frantic.

DEEMS: There’s an epidemic of homophobic woke parent who can’t stand their kids being gay so they turn their kids trans! This is definitely something that happens verifiably and for real!

PANEL 4

The host has put a hand over her mouth, looking concerned. Deems is calm and very composed all of a sudden.

HOST: That’s terrible! Do you have any examples you can tell us about?

DEEMS: No.

HOST: Well, I’m convinced!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a cartoonist expression for little gags and details that the cartoonist put in that don’t actually matter, but are fun anyway.

In this strip, the “chicken fat” in in panel three, where there are a few chyron lines crawling across the bottom of the panel. (Chyrons are the text scrolling across the bottom of news networks).  Chyron line one just says “Coming Up.” Line two says “Expert: trans people peed on her cat, sofa” and line three says “Did Soros invent the trans activist movement? We imply yes!”

Homophobic Woke Parents Are Turning Gay Kids Trans! | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, LGBT cartoons, Right-wingers |

Crackpots: Left vs Right

Cartoon by Barry

Did you spot all the little background details Becky Hawkins slipped in?

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon is dominated by a large title, going horizontally across the image, which says “CRACKPOTS LEFT vs RIGHT.” The title lettering divides the cartoon in two, with two panels above the lettering, and two panels below it.

PANEL 1

A woman with green hair and an undercut is typing furiously on her phone. She’s wearing a black collar with spikes, has a pierced nose, and tattoos. Her face is radiating anger. A word balloon coming from the phone shows what she’s typing.

PHONE: 9/11 was CLEARLY an INSIDE job. Bin Laden WORKED for the CIA! Controlled demolition! Insider trading! HALIBURTON! #911truth #insidejob #wakeup

PANEL 2

The same woman turns to talk to someone who is off-panel, her face and demeanor now calm as she looks away from her phone. We can now see that she’s behind the counter in a coffee shop.

OFF-PANEL CUSTOMER: Excuse me, can I get my coffee refilled?

BARISTA: Coming right up!

PANEL 3

We are looking at a blonde woman in extreme close-up as she types on her phone. Her face is so angry she looks like she’s about to have an embolism. A word balloon coming from her phone shows us what she’s typing.

PHONE: 1/6 was a FALSE FLAG op jointly run by ANTIFA & the FBI to DISTRACT us from HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP!! #J6files #fakenews #wakeup

PANEL 4

The “camera” has pulled back and we can now see that the woman is wearing a conservative blue skirt-suit and matching high heels. She’s in an expensive looking office, leaning back in a large brown leather desk chair, and resting her feet on the desk. She’s talking to an off-panel assistant, and she’s now quite calm and maybe even a little bored.

OFF-CAMERA ASSISTANT: Pardon me, Congresswoman? Time for your FOX interview.

CONGRESSWOMAN: Coming!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. In this cartoon, all of the chicken fat was made up by Becky (yay Becky!).

Panel 1: Her tattoos include a Mickey Mouse silhouette with blood spattered across it a la the Watchmen symbol, and a donut shaped like an infinity symbol, which today I learned is a thing.

Panel 2: A chalkboard on the wall in the background says “All Coffee Are Beautiful,” arranged so that if you read the first letters downwards, they spell “ACAB.” Another chalkboard says “Daily Special – Salted Caramel – Pumpkin Spice – White Tears.” The IPAD they use as a register has a “Cool S” symbol on its face. (Today I learned that no one actually knows the origin of that symbol.)

Panel 4: Behind the congresswoman is a variation on the American flag, with a bald eagle in profile in front of the stripes, and a white cross in place of the stars. On her desk is a take-out coffee container with the “don’t tread on me” snake on it, and a coffee mug with “Liberal Tears” written on it.

Crackpots: Left vs Right | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, Right-wingers |

In My Day, Young Women Never Dressed Like That

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is another collaboration with Becky Hawkins.

In My Day, Young Women Never Dressed Like That | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, History, Sexism & Misogyny |

Some Things Straight People Can Stop Saying

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by Becky Hawkins and I.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has nine panels, arranged in a three by three grid, with nine different brightly-colored backgrounds making a sort of patchwork effect. Each panel shows a single character talking directly to the reader.

Below the bottom of the cartoon is an additional tiny “kicker” panel.

PANEL 1

A smug-looking guy with a beard and curly hair is waving a miniature queer pride flag (specifically, the Intersex-Inclusive Progress Pride Flag, which has a circle on top of a series of triangles on top of colored stripes) as he speaks.

GUY: Look at what a great ally I am! I totally get what you people go through!

PANEL 2

A blond guy with wide eyes is pointing back and forth at us (as if moving his pointing finger rapidly between two people), and is grinning past a hand held in front of his mouth.

BLOND: So who’s the man and who’s the woman?

PANEL 3

A large man with spikey brown hair and a chin-only beard is waving a hand, his other hand on his hip, as he speaks with a somewhat aggrieved expression.

MAN: When’s straight pride? Huh?

PANEL 4

A young woman with her brown hair in a high ponytail, and with a tattoo of a fairy (er, the magical creature) on her upper arm, sticks her tongue out and makes a disgusted expression.

WOMAN: That’s so gay.

PANEL 5

This is the center panel, and a bit over half of it is taken up by large, friendly lettering which says: SOME THINGS STRAIGHT PEOPLE CAN STOP SAYING

Below that, an older woman with gray hair and glasses looks a little bit confused.

WOMAN: But you don’t look gay.

PANEL 6

A young woman (or a teen) with blonde hair is talking to us with a big grin and pointing rapidly at three different off-panel people.

GIRL: Do you think he’s hot?

GIRL: How about him?

GIRL: How about him?

PANEL 7

A woman sporting carefully done hair, cascading down to below her shoulders, a made-up face, and large earrings, looks confused as she speaks to us.

WOMAN: Can you explain to me why lesbians don’t want to look good?

PANEL 8

A middle-aged man wearing a polo shirt grins lasciviously at us, one eyebrow raised, as he pulls at the side of his collar in a “wow it’s hot in here” gesture.

MAN: You’re a lesbian? Man, what a waste.

PANEL 9

A woman with an annoyed expression is holding two children – a baby in one arm, and a toddler in the other. The baby’s onesie has “Heartbreaker” printed on the front, and the toddler’s t-shirt says “Ladies Man.”

WOMAN: Why must you people flaunt it?

TINY KICKER PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

A man wearing glasses and a green shirt is talking to Barry. He’s pointing up and to the left (towards panel one). Barry is looking really nervous as he replies.

MAN: By making this cartoon, aren’t you like panel one?

BARRY: It’s different because… um…

Some Things Straight People Can Stop Saying | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, LGBT cartoons |

Our Loss, Your Gain

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by Becky Hawkins and I.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This four-panel cartoon shows a conversation between a casually-dressed woman – tank top, casual pants, sneakers, ponytail – and a woman who either is a doctor or is trying to be mistaken for one, with a white lab coat with a name plate, and slim pants and high heels. We’ll call them SUSAN and FAUXDOC.

PANEL 1

Susan is smiling happily, and pulling the waistband of her pants forward to show a gap – i.e., that she’s lost weight. Fauxdoc is grinning even bigger as she talks to Ponytail.

SUSAN: Wow! I’ve lost twenty pounds!

FAUXDOC: Congratulations, Susan! And all thanks to the Willōw-We™ Lifestyle Change™ Program System!

PANEL 2

A close-up of Fauxdoc shows her grinning as she holds up a box with “Willōw-We™ Lifestyle Change™ Program System” written on it in large letters.

FAUXDOC: Because you couldn’t have done it without us, right?

PANEL 3

Susan’s smile has dimmed a bit, but she’s still smiling. Fauxdoc has produced a huge professional-looking camera and is preparing to take Susan’s photo.

SUSAN: Um… I guess?

FAUXDOC: I’m taking your picture! Everyone will see how Willōw-We™ made you lose weight!

FAUXDOC: All credit to Willōw-We™!

FAUXDOC: Do the waistband thing again.

PANEL 4

Time has passed, and Susan has definitely gained weight. Susan looks sad and a little bewildered; Fauxdoc is glaring at Susan and pointing at her accusingly.

CAPTION: SIX MONTHS LATER

SUSAN: The weight came back…

FAUXDOC: DAMMIT, SUSAN! You failed and it’s all YOUR fault!

Our Loss, Your Gain | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Fat Acceptance |

Diets Don’t Work Therefore You Must Diet!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was written by Barry and drawn by Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels.

Panel 1

A doctor (surgical scrubs, white lab coat, standing in a standard doctor’s examination room and holding a manila folder filled with papers) talks directly to us. He is neatly groomed and very likable and trustworthy looking, with a very friendly expression.

DOCTOR: The way public health experts think about weight is changing! Here’s some things we now all accept:

PANEL 2

Although the doctor’s monologue continues, we don’t see him in this panel; instead we see a collage. There’s a desert with a road sign saying “Next Food 1200 Miles”; a DNA helix; a prescription pill bottle with “side effects may include weight gain” on the label; Sigmund Freud, reading a notepad and holding a cigar; and a cupcake.

DOCTOR: People are fat for a wide variety of reasons.

PANEL 3

The doctor is holding a pamphlet out to us (which due to foreshortening takes up most of the panel). The pamphlet cover says “BMI: How do YOU compare to a small group of white male Europeans 200 years ago?”

DOCTOR: BMI is an imperfect measure of health.

PANEL 4

A couple of happy-looking fat people are cooking; in the foreground, a woman chops onions, while in the background we can see a man flipping the stir-fry in a frying pan like a pancake. In the background, we can see the Doctor on a tablet screen on a shelf.

DOCTOR: Health markers like blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol can be improved without weight loss.

PANEL 5

A close-up of the tablet, with the Doctor talking on the screen, now with a concerned expression.

DOCTOR: The vast majority of diets fail because people regain weight. Losing and regaining over and over can harm your health.

DOCTOR: And most importantly…

PANEL 6

In a contrast to how calm the Doctor has been up to now, he’s now screaming in panic and waving his hands like Kermit the Frog.

DOCTOR: EVERY FAT PERSON MUST LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE IT NOW! NOOOOOW!

Diets Don’t Work Therefore You Must Diet | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Fat Acceptance |

MORE Things To Stop Telling Autistic People!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was written by Barry and drawn by Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has nine panels, arranged in a three-by-three grid. Each panel shows a different person speaking to the reader.

The exception is the central panel, which has the words “MORE THINGS TO STOP TELLING AUTISTIC PEOPLE” written in large, friendly lettering.

PANEL 1

A woman wearing a blue shirt and librarian glasses, with her hair in a bun, is leaning down to talk to us (i.e., we’re in a child’s perspective). We can see from the background that this is a classroom for small children.

WOMAN: If you’d just act normal you wouldn’t GET bullied.

PANEL 2

A man with freckles speaks to us with a dubious expression on his face and his arms folded.

MAN: You’re ALLOWED to drive?

PANEL 3

An older woman, wide-eyed with white hair pushed high on her head by a wrap, speaks to us, a concerned expression on her face.

WOMAN: You must be VERY high functioning.

PANEL 4

A cheerful woman wearing a button-up sweater open over a shirt shrugs.

WOMAN: Isn’t EVERYONE a little autistic?

PANEL 5

This is the central panel; there’s nothing in it but the title of the strip, “More Things To Stop Telling Autistic People,” in large letters.

PANEL 6

This panel shows the inside of a crowded subway car. There’s a lot of people; there’s a screaming baby, there’s a hot dog with scent lines coming off it, there’s a grumpy child with a spiked turtle shell backpack, and mainly there’s just a ton of people packed shoulder-to-shoulder. A bald man with a hip little chin beard holds on to a ceiling strap with one hand as he speaks to us, smiling.

MAN: Just don’t LET it bother you.

PANEL 7

An older woman, with white hair flowing down onto her shoulders, puts a finger on her chin as she speaks cheerily to us. In the background, we can see a dreamcatcher hanging on the wall, near a poster of a wolf howling in front of a full moon, and a big candle shaped like a headless Venus of Willendorf statue, with the wick coming out of the neck. (Becky: “Inspired by a candle I saw at People’s Food Co-op.”)

WOMAN: I bet YOU were vaccinated as a child, right?

PANEL 8

An older man, bald and wearing a short-sleeved polo shirt, grins at us.

MAN: You’re autistic? COOL! Quick, what’s 241 times 672.5?

PANEL 9

A man speaks with great intensity, his face looming so close in the panel that the bottom and top of his head are out of panel. He has wide, staring eyes.

MAN: I can’t trust anyone who won’t look me in the EYES.

More Things To Stop Telling Autistic People | Patreon

Posted in Ableism, Becky Hawkins collaborations |

The Time Before Gender Ideology

Cartoon by Barry

Another collaboration with Becky Hawkins!

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, LGBT cartoons, Sexism & Misogyny |

What I Said CAN’T Be Racist Because…

Cartoon by Barry

By Becky Hawkins and I.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has eight panels, each of which shows a single white person speaking directly to the reader. An additional ninth panel – the center panel of the grid – has nothing in it but a large caption, written in a distorted font. The caption says:

WHAT I SAID CAN’T BE RACIST BECAUSE

PANEL 1

A fashionable looking woman, with an undercut hairstyle, cats eye glasses and a septum piercing, waves a hand dismissively.

WOMAN: Liberals can’t be racist. Everyone knows that.

PANEL 2

A man dressed like an academic, including a bow tie and a jacket with elbow patches, is standing in front of a blackboard, pointing to the blackboard with a, er, pointer. The blackboard is covered with complicated looking math equations, and at the bottom there’s a simple drawing of the academic’s face, and a drawing of a devil face, with a not equal sign (“≠”) between the two faces.

MAN: Because racists are bad bad people, and I’m a good person. Q.E.D.!

PANEL 3

A red-haired man, wearing a collared shirt with a nametag, points to himself. He has a pleased and proud expression. There’s a footnote at the bottom of the panel.

MAN: I’ve got a Black friend!*

FOOTNOTE: *work acquaintance

PANEL 4

A good-looking man in his twenties, wearing an open plaid shirt over a white t shirt, is speaking to us.

MAN: I’m not white! Family legend says that great great great Grandma was an Indian!

PANEL 5

This is the central panel. It has nothing in it but the words “WHAT I SAID CAN’T BE RACIST BECAUSE” in large distressed letters.

PANEL 6

A man talks to us, wearing blackface makeup and holding a banana. He’s shrugging.

MAN: I was only joking! That makes it okay!

PANEL 7

A blonde woman holding a drink makes the “come here” gesture towards people who are out of panel.

WOMAN: I adopted three children of color! THREE!

WOMAN: Prop, Shield and Excuse, come here so I can show these folks.

PANEL 8

A woman speaks to us. She looks as if she’s about to cry, and is holding a handkerchief in one hand.

WOMAN: If you say something I said is racist I might start crying and no one wants that.

PANEL 9

A person (could be either female or male) closes their eyes and holds their hands in front of them, as if praying. They are wearing blue robes. There is a halo shining out from behind their head, drawn as if in stained glass.

PERSON: My intentions were pure.

What I Said Can’t Be Racist Because… | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Racism & Racists |

The Party of Small Government

Cartoon by Barry

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This cartoon is drawn by Becky Hawkins.

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TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each of the panels shows the same central character, a large white man – I’ll call him Big Man – with neatly combed brown hair, wearing a business suit with a red tie. When I say he’s “large,” I don’t mean he’s fat; I mean he’s powerfully built and about ten feet tall, looming high over all regular humans around him.

PANEL 1

We are in a standard doctor’s examination room, with all the usual accouterments. The large man has placed himself between a family (mom, dad, young teen) and a doctor. He’s pointing sternly at the teen, and facing that way, while his other hand is encompassing the doctor’s face as he pushes her back. The family looks horrified.

BIG MAN: No “gender affirming” care for YOU!

PANEL 2

We are in a school library; there are bookshelves and green beanbag chairs and a mural of green trees and sunshine covering one wall. A librarian sits at a desk, apparently interrupted in handing a book to a child. The Big Man, smugly smirking, is plucking the book away in his enormous hand, even as the child fruitlessly tries to grab it.

BIG MAN: Reading books? Not on MY watch!

PANEL 3

We’re now in the waiting room of a hospital or a large clinic. There’s uncomfortable looking plastic chairs, generic art on the walls, a receptionist at a desk, and a rope indicating where people can wait in line. In front of all that, Big Man has physically picked up a doctor by the scruff of his white doctor’s jacket, and is holding the doctor away from a teenage girl. With his other hand, he’s sticking his pointer finger into the girl’s face, as he talks to her with some anger.

BIG MAN: And I say you ARE going to have a baby!

PANEL 4

The Big Man is sitting in a room, with big patriotic red-white-and-blue banners hanging on the wall behind him. He’s sitting on a pile of people; if we look closely, we can see that these are all the people he’s been abusing in panels one through three. He’s smiling as he speaks, one hand waving grandly.

BIG MAN: We are so PROUD to be the party of SMALL GOVERNMENT!

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This cartoon on Patreon

Posted in Abortion, Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Right-wingers |

Being Foxy About Vaccines

Cartoon by Barry

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This cartoon is a collaboration with Becky Hawkins.

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TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All four panels show the anchors of a conservative news show, a man and a woman, both of whom are well-dressed and have very carefully styled hair. They’re sitting at a news desk and talking to the camera, with a backdrop of a cityscape behind them. A chyron (text) runs across the bottom of the screen.

PANEL 1

We’re in a darkened living room. We can see a TV dinner, partly eaten, on a tray in the foreground; in the background is a TV, surrounded by a liquor cabinet on the left and a houseplant on a chest of drawers on the right. The TV is turned on, providing the only bright colors in the panel. The male anchor is making air quotes with his fingers, while the female anchor is holding out her hand in a “stop!” gesture.

MAN: Unelected government “doctors” say we need this “vaccine.” but what aren’t they saying?

WOMAN: Don’t trust government! Don’t trust doctors!

PANEL 2

We are now seeing just what’s on the TV screen. The male anchor has turned towards the female anchor and is speaking to her, one hand waving in a sort of “angry questioning” motion. The female anchor has folded her hands on the desk in front of her and is speaking directly to the camera.

MAN: Who knows what horrible side effects these experimental “vaccines” have?

WOMAN: Stay tuned! We’ll be back in just a minute!

PANEL 3

Our vantage point has pulled back. We’re now obviously in a TV studio; we can see cameras and microphones pointing at the two anchors, and the slightly-raised platform the anchor desk sits on. There’s a large bright green screen behind them, instead of a cityscape.

Two people in nurse’s scrubs, both wearing face masks, have come up to the desk. Both anchors have taken their jackets off, and he’s rolled up a sleeve (her blouse is sleeveless). The nurses are injecting medicine into their arms.

The male anchor is smiling cheerfully, while the female anchor speaks to her nurse with a concerned expression.

MAN: Thanks. Better safe than sorry, right?

WOMAN: How long until the booster after this one?

PANEL 4

We’re once again looking at them as they appear on a TV screen; the cityscape backdrop is back. They’re both looking angry and gesturing towards the screen with extreme foreshortening; he’s holding a finger up near the screen, and she’s pointing straight at the screen like Uncle Sam.

MAN: These “needle Nazis” are trying to force you to take their so-called “vaccine”!

WOMAN: DON’T LET THEM!

CHYRONS

What the chyrons (the crawl of text across the bottom of the TV screen) say. (The second line of each chyron is cut off on one or both sides of the screen, to simulate the words scrolling across the screen.)

Panel 1: EXPERTS: VACCINE WILL KILL POPE

…t’s gonna happen any day now we’re triple sure this time…

Panel 2: DELILAH INNOCENT!

…vaccine, not haircut, caused Samson to lose his streng…

There’s no Chyron in panel 3.

Panel 4: ARE VACCINES FULL OF LIVE ANTS?

…re not saying they are but we’re not saying they aren’t…

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Being Foxy About Vaccines on Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, COVID-19, Media criticism, Right-wingers |

Turning Men Down In Public

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is a collaboration between Becky Hawkins and I.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Every panel focuses on the same central character, a red-haired woman with her hair in a bob, but each panel shows a different scene.

PANEL 1

The woman is in a public laundromat, picking up something out of one of the rolling baskets they have. She’s wearing dark gray leggings and a long blue shirt. We can see rows of washing machines or driers with round windowed doors on the front, and a table with some folded laundry on it. There’s a TV on the wall, showing a reporter speaking. The woman is looking at the TV with mild alarm – she has a “!” floating over her head.

TV: …shot by a co-worker after she repeatedly turned him down…

PANEL 2

The woman is now sitting near the corner seat of a New York City subway car. A man is standing near to her, leaning forward to peer at a subway map on the wall. The woman is wearing some nice-looking brown boots, jeans, and a brown leather jacket. She’s leaning away from the map-reader a bit. She’s balancing her backpack on her lap with one hand, and holding up her phone to read it in her other hand.

PHONE: …when the woman ignored his advances, police say he dragged her off the subway and…

PANEL 3

The woman is walking along a city sidewalk. It looks like NYC again – we can see, across the street, fire exits over a sushi restaurant. A bike delivery person pedals by, wearing a big blocky backpack that says “SNAX” on it. Across the street, a man in a white tee shirt is turning and calling something; he’s smiling.

The woman doesn’t seem to hear him. She’s wide-eyed now, listening to her phone through earbuds. She’s wearing jeans, brown high-top sneakers, and a red plaid shirt.

PHONE: …five year old boy was thrown off a third floor balcony at Mall of America. The man was angry because multiple women at the mall had turned him down…

PANEL 4

The woman now appears to be at home, in her kitchen; she’s sitting at a table, leaning on one hand and looking attentive but also tired. She’s wearing a blue tee shirt. On the other side of the table, a blonde man with a full beard – probably a husband or boyfriend – is grinning as he waves a hand dismissively.

MAN: If someone hits on you, just tell him “no.” What’s so frightening?

Turning Men Down In Public | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Sexism & Misogyny |

The Myth of William F Buckley And The John Birch Society

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is drawn by Becky Hawkins. I had no idea she was going to do the flaming eyes in panel 2, but I laughed aloud when I saw the sketch. 🙂

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the cartoon.

PANEL ONE

The top of this panel has a huge caption, in “vintage” style lettering, that says 1962.

Below that an older man, with a bald head and white hair sticking out on the sides, and wearing an old-fashioned brown suit with a yellow bow-tie, is pressing his hands and face against the audience-facing side of the panel, as if he’s pressing against a sheet of clear glass. His eyes are bulging and mismatched in size and he’s talking aggressively at the readers. We’ll call him “Bircher.”

BIRCHER: President Eisenhower is secretly in the pay of COMMIES!

BIRCHER: A shadowy America-hating CABAL controls the CIA AND the schools!

PANEL TWO

Bircher is now in full on rant mode, his yelling mouth HUGE, his head turning red, flames literally coming out of his eyes. Behind him, William F. Buckley Jr walks up, a corrective forefinger raised; Buckley raises his voice but remains calm.

BIRCHER: Teachers are recruiting YOUR kids into COMMUNISM SATANISM and SEXUAL PERVERSION!

BUCKLEY: HALT, John Birch Society! I, William F Buckley Jr, DENOUNCE you.

PANEL THREE

Bircher falls to his knees, weeping. Buckley dramatically points, arms straight, in an unmistakable “get out of here” gesture.

BIRCHER: I’ve been denounced? NOOOOO!

BUCKLEY: BEGONE! Trouble conservatism’s respectability NO LONGER!

PANEL FOUR

Bircher walks out of the panel with a bent over I’m-so-sad posture. Buckley, looking smug and self-satisfied, walks away in the other direction, doing the “brushing dust off my palms after doing some work” gesture.

BUCKLEY: Now the conservative movement will NEVER AGAIN be ruled by CONSPIRACY MONGERS and IRRATIONALISTS!

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

Buckley, smiling, talks directly to the viewer.

BUCKLEY: Finally conservatives can focus on RATIONAL goals… Like protecting the white race from negros!

The Myth of William F Buckley And The John Birch Society | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives |