Biden Stuffed Ballot Boxes in Boise!

Cartoon by Barry


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. There are two main characters. The first is a woman with dark red hair going to a bit below her shoulders, glasses with fashionably thick arms, and a short black peacoat over jeans and a blouse. We’ll call her GLASSES.

The other character is a woman with very short, somewhat spikey blonde hair, wearing a red puffy vest over a long-sleeved shirt and baggy black pants. We’ll call her VEST.

The two of them are talking on a suburban looking sidewalk, with a house, a bush and a tree in the background.

PANEL 1

Glasses is holding up her smartphone to display the screen to Vest, and pointing to the phone with her other hand.  She looks distressed.

Vest is pissed off – waving her arms and yelling.

GLASSES: In Nevada in 2020, 1,500 dead people voted for Biden! And 4,000 illegal aliens voted! I read it on Facebook!

VEST: Oh come ON!!! Just because someone says something doesn’t make it TRUE!

PANEL 2

Vest is leaning forward, holding her fist in front of her (but not in a threatening way, just angry). Glasses, smiling, holds up her hands, palms out, in a peacemaking gesture.

VEST (still yelling): I could say there’s a video of Joe Biden personally stuffing ballot boxes in Boise! That doesn’t mean it happened!

GLASSES: Hey, no need for raised voices. Let’s agree to disagree.

PANEL 3

In the foreground, Vest, muttering to herself, is walking away, pushing up her own hair angrily and biting her lip. In the background, Glasses has her back to Vest but has turned her head to watch Vest depart.

VEST (muttering): mumble grr stupid maga idiot @%$*!

PANEL 4

A shot of Glasses alone. She’s looking distressed again, and is anxiously and rapidly tapping on her phone as she types into it. In her thought balloon we can see what it is she’s typing. (By the way, the typo is on purpose. Well, it wasn’t originally on purpose, but I noticed the typo before I posted the cartoon and decided to leave it in,, so in that sense it’s on purpose).

GLASSES (typing into phone): BIG news! EXLCUSIVE! Dem source says VIDEO has emerged of BIDEN HIMSELF PERSONALLY STUFFING BALLOT BOXES in BOISE! #FakeElection #cheatingJoeBiden

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. There are two bits of chicken fat in this comic. In panel one, in the background, there’s a house, and if you look carefully in the window you’ll see Homer Simpson looking out. And in panel two, in the lower left corner, we can see that someone hidden in the bushes is spying on the characters’ conversation.


Biden Stuffed Ballot Boxes in Boise! | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Elections, Right-wingers |

Crackpots: Left vs Right

Cartoon by Barry


Did you spot all the little background details Becky Hawkins slipped in?


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon is dominated by a large title, going horizontally across the image, which says “CRACKPOTS LEFT vs RIGHT.” The title lettering divides the cartoon in two, with two panels above the lettering, and two panels below it.

PANEL 1

A woman with green hair and an undercut is typing furiously on her phone. She’s wearing a black collar with spikes, has a pierced nose, and tattoos. Her face is radiating anger. A word balloon coming from the phone shows what she’s typing.

PHONE: 9/11 was CLEARLY an INSIDE job. Bin Laden WORKED for the CIA! Controlled demolition! Insider trading! HALIBURTON! #911truth #insidejob #wakeup

PANEL 2

The same woman turns to talk to someone who is off-panel, her face and demeanor now calm as she looks away from her phone. We can now see that she’s behind the counter in a coffee shop.

OFF-PANEL CUSTOMER: Excuse me, can I get my coffee refilled?

BARISTA: Coming right up!

PANEL 3

We are looking at a blonde woman in extreme close-up as she types on her phone. Her face is so angry she looks like she’s about to have an embolism. A word balloon coming from her phone shows us what she’s typing.

PHONE: 1/6 was a FALSE FLAG op jointly run by ANTIFA & the FBI to DISTRACT us from HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP!! #J6files #fakenews #wakeup

PANEL 4

The “camera” has pulled back and we can now see that the woman is wearing a conservative blue skirt-suit and matching high heels. She’s in an expensive looking office, leaning back in a large brown leather desk chair, and resting her feet on the desk. She’s talking to an off-panel assistant, and she’s now quite calm and maybe even a little bored.

OFF-CAMERA ASSISTANT: Pardon me, Congresswoman? Time for your FOX interview.

CONGRESSWOMAN: Coming!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. In this cartoon, all of the chicken fat was made up by Becky (yay Becky!).

Panel 1: Her tattoos include a Mickey Mouse silhouette with blood spattered across it a la the Watchmen symbol, and a donut shaped like an infinity symbol, which today I learned is a thing.

Panel 2: A chalkboard on the wall in the background says “All Coffee Are Beautiful,” arranged so that if you read the first letters downwards, they spell “ACAB.” Another chalkboard says “Daily Special – Salted Caramel – Pumpkin Spice – White Tears.” The IPAD they use as a register has a “Cool S” symbol on its face. (Today I learned that no one actually knows the origin of that symbol.)

Panel 4: Behind the congresswoman is a variation on the American flag, with a bald eagle in profile in front of the stripes, and a white cross in place of the stars. On her desk is a take-out coffee container with the “don’t tread on me” snake on it, and a coffee mug with “Liberal Tears” written on it.


Crackpots: Left vs Right | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, Right-wingers |

Self-Medicating My ADHD

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is by Nadine Scholtes and I.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same character, from the same angle. A woman sits at a messy table, in front of an open laptop. On the table are some crumpled napkins, an open Chinese food takeout container, random papers, random mugs (one near her elbow, presumably her current mug, and a few more pushed to the back), and an orange cat with a white chin and belly. The cat is either a large kitten or a small adult.

The woman has a green shirt with darker green sleeves, round glasses, and brunette hair tied back.

PANEL 1

The woman leans on one hand, with a frustrated expression; her other hand is in a fist on the table.

WOMAN (thought): Aaargh! Why can’t I be productive? Stupid ADHD!

PANEL 2

A hatch opens up on top of her head, and her brain – complete with cartoony eyes, a smiling mouth, and stick arms – pops out and speaks cheerfully. The woman seems unsurprised by this, leaning back and folding her arms.

BRAIN: I have an idea – why not beat yourself up about it?

WOMAN: Really, brain? We’ve tried that for decades. And it’s never worked!

PANEL 3

The Brain cheerfully hands the woman a mallet; the woman reaches a hand up to take it. She’s looking cheerful now.

BRAIN: That’s because you haven’t been beating yourself hard enough. This time it’ll work.

WOMAN: Oh, okay.

PANEL 4

The woman AND her brain are now both covered with bruises and bumps from being beaten so much; the woman has cracked her glasses and is missing a tooth. Both of them are cheerful, and both their word balloons are shaky looking.

BRAIN: It’ll start working aaany second now.

WOMAN: Thanks, brain!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. In this cartoon, the chicken fat involves cats, both in the foreground and in the background.

In the foreground, in panel one, the cat is looking a bit anxiously at the woman as it moves towards the open Chinese food container.

In panel two, the cat is leaning over the container, and her head is almost entirely within the container.

In panel three, the cat is licking its lips, with a deeply satisfied expression and a little heart floating over its head.

In panel four, the cat is busily licking its own butthole.

In the background, there’s a cat motivational poster on the wall. What’s cool is, the poster changes every panel, in response to the events happening with the main character.

These gags were contributed by Nadine, and I’ll quote bits of her comments about the posters.

In panel one, the cat is turning to look, coughing and cross-eyed. A “computer is loading” icon is above its head “like the brain is stuck.” The caption says UUUHHHH…

In panel two, a new cat has an expression of huge surprise on its face, like it’s surprised by the brain popping out. Caption says “WHAT?!”

In panel three, yet another cat – a fluffy white cat wearing round glasses and a bow tie – is staring out. The caption says “GENIUS!” Naomi explains, “because the brain has a ‘genius’ idea.”

In panel four, we have the hang in there cat, “because never give up!”


Self-Medicating My ADHD | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Uncategorized |

In My Day, Young Women Never Dressed Like That

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is another collaboration with Becky Hawkins.


TRANSCRIPT  OF CARTOON
This cartoon has nine panels. 
The center panel (what you might call the Paul Lynde panel) is taken up mostly by large red lettering on a scroll. The lettering says IN MY DAY, YOUNG WOMEN NEVER DRESSED LIKE THAT. Each of the remaining eight panels shows a single speaker.
 
PANEL 1
A middle-aged woman who looks like a successful politician – blue suit jacket over a red blouse, and slightly wavy hair that’s clearly been done by a professional – speaks at a podium, her hands on her hips. She has an annoyed, judgmental expression. 
WOMAN: I hate how young women today flaunt their bodies by wearing revealing clothing! Can’t they dress like we did?
 
PANEL 2
A blonde woman sits at a desk with a laptop open in front of her. There’s a nice but also kind of fussy lamp on the desk, her blonde hair is combed to the side without a strand out of place, and her red blouse is buttoned to the top button; she gives the impression of being extremely straight-laced.
WOMAN: “Women nowadays dress too sexy in see-through tops, bare mid-riffs, halters and tube tops.” –Chicago Tribune, July 2000
 
PANEL 3
A man in a brown suit and tie, carrying a newspaper rolled up under his arm, makes an angry, dismissive gesture as he speaks. His short hair and his brown fedora look 1950s.
MAN: “American women have too much of themselves showing — that would never do in Europe.” –Capital Times, 1954
 
PANEL 4
An older woman wearing a blue cloche hat and a brown coat with a thick fur collar is holding a hanky to her eye as she cries.
WOMAN: “Women dress too scantily! Lately the sights that meet the eye on streets makes self-respecting women feel ashamed!” –Evening Sun, 1934
 
PANEL 5
This is the center panel. It’s mostly filled by large red lettering on a scroll. The lettering says IN MY DAY, YOUNG WOMEN NEVER DRESSED LIKE THAT. 
The scroll has two young women leaning on it. The woman on the left wears a flapper dress with a sailor’s collar and a cloche, both mint green with pink highlights.
The woman on the right is extremely contemporary – a long coat with holes exposing her shoulders, a short skirt, bare midriff, cool clunky boots, and dyed green hair in an undercut.
 
PANEL 6
A white haired man with an impressively groomed white gray mustache raises a forefinger as he speaks, like a professor making a point. He’s lifting one eyebrow like Spock, but we know that he would never be as cool as Spock was, let alone as cool as Leonard Nimoy was.
“I condemn the scantily-clad, jazzing flapper. To whom a dance, a new hat, or a man with a car, are of more importance than the fate of nations.” –Dr. R. Murray-Leslie, 1920
 
PANEL 7
A cheerful-looking older woman squints. She’s wearing oval glasses, a blue bonnet, a short gray cape around her shoulders, and a blue long-sleeved blouse. One of her hands holds a Bible, while she’s pressing the fingers of the other hand into the center of her chest in an “oh dearie me” gesture. Other than her face and hands, not a millimeter of skin is exposed.
CARRIE NATION: “Women dress too gaily.  They should be more Modest and wear clothes something like what I’m wearing.” –Carrie Nation, 1901.
 
Panel 8
A middle-aged man wearing one of those gray curly wigs that upper-class aristocrats used to wear speaks with angry, wide-eyed fervor.  He’s wearing dark gray judge’s robes.
JOHN WESLEY: “Gay and costly apparel creates and inflames lust. It kindles a flame that will plunge you and your admirers into THE FLAMES OF HELL!” –John Wesley, 1786
 
Panel 9
A middle-aged man with a thick brown beard holds an open scroll and is reading it. He’s wearing brown robes and a light brown head wrapping, and looks extremely stern.
TERTULLIAN: “Make-up is fittingly called womanly disgrace. The care of hair and of those parts of the body that attract the eye is prostitution!” –Tertullian, 197 A.D. 

In My Day, Young Women Never Dressed Like That | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Sexism & Misogyny |

Too Petty To Talk About

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is drawn by R. E. Ryan!


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels. All of them show different scenes, but all of them focus on the same character – a thirtyish, square-jawed guy with short light brown hair and a seemingly permanent scowl on his face. Let’s call him SCOW (short for scowl).

PANEL 1

Scow is sitting and typing at a computer in his apartment. He’s wearing an undershirt. In the background we can see city buildings and the sun high in a blue sky.

A word balloon shows us what Scow is typing.

SCOW: Why are you talking about racism in music? There are more important things!

PANEL 2

Scow is now sitting up in bed (he has a nice bedroom, with dark wood furniture and framed art on the wall), wearing red jammies and intently typing on his phone.

SCOW: Time spent talking about race could be spent talking about something important!

PANEL 3

Scow is apparently at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner – there’s a big turkey on the table. He’s wearing an argyle sweater vest and talking intently to the unfortunate 12-ish looking girl sitting next to him. (His mouth is full, and little bits of food are coming out.) The girl looks annoyed and is rolling her eyes.

SCOW: Who cares about race and casting? There are more crucial things to talk about!

PANEL 4

Scow is now back in his apartment – it looks like a living room – wearing VR googles and (presumably) talking to someone in VR. He’s waving his arms as he speaks.

SCOW: Why do they always make a white character Black when they remake movies? They’re obsessed with race!

PANEL 5

This is the same scene as panel 1 – Scow is sitting in his apartment typing on his computer. The window in the background now shows stars and a moon. Scow is leaning his head heavily on one hand, presumably because he’s exhausted but well into the “I can’t go to bed, somebody is wrong on the internet” zone.

SCOW: Don’t we have more important things to focus on?

PANEL 6

Scow and a friend are sitting on a park bench hanging out. Scow is talking to the friend; the friend is reading his book and seemingly paying no attention to Scow. (I mean, I’m assuming that the guy is Scow’s friend, because that’s what I said when I wrote the script, but nothing in the panel establishes that, maybe this is just some random stranger that Scow sat down next to and started ranting at, in which case, wince.)

SCOW: And these ridiculous people spend all their time talking about the same unimportant things!

SCOW: Over and over!

SCOW: They never stop!


Too Petty To Talk About | Patreon

Posted in Racism & Racists |

THEY MURDERED MY CHILDHOOD!

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is by Jenn Manley Lee and I.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

The first three panels feature the same two women in each panel. Or maybe a woman and a teenager. They’re both dressed in stylized Roman soldier outfits. The older woman, on the left, is dressed in what the artist called a “bondage adjacent costume,” with straps and high heels and a skimpy one-piece made of brown leather. She’s wearing pteruges – you know, straps hanging down from her waist to sort of form a skirt.  She also has an amazing mane of red hair cleverly arranged to resemble a Roman Galea helmet.

The younger woman, on the right, is wearing a brown leather vest over a dark green bodysuit, flat boots, and a Roman Galea helmet. She has protective armor on her forearms and calves.

Both of them wear red capes and carry round shields and swords. The older woman’s shield features a stylized letter “G” in yellow on a red background; the same symbol, in the same colors, is on the younger woman’s belt. I’ll call the two characters “Original G” and “New G.”

PANEL 1

The two women are back-to-back and in a battle, fending off swords left and right. They’re in a building with pillars. In the background, we can see ancient buildings, an active volcano, and what I think is a dragon flying.

Despite all this, the two women are calmly and cheerfully chatting with each other. (I love that, and that was all Jenn.)

ORIGINAL G: Who are you? You look familiar…

NEW G: I’m you! A redesigned version of you, anyway.

PANEL 2

The two women are now at a little table in front of the display window of a modern comic book store. They’re both carrying coffee. Original G is sitting down, while New G is already seated, legs crossed at the ankles, looking relaxed.

ORIGINAL G: So does this mean I don’t exist anymore?

NEW G: Nope – there are thousands of toys and comics and animations with you that no one can take away! But now my version of you exists, too!

PANEL 3

Original G leans towards the display window, tapping on it like people tap on goldfish bowls. On the other side of the window, we can see action figures of both versions of G, displayed on pillars.

ORIGINAL G: I get it. This way, we can entertain different audiences, right?

NEW G: Exactly! Who could complain?

PANEL 4

We’re now looking at the cashier counter in a comic book store. A tired-looking cashier leans on one elbow, rolling her eyes. In front of the counter, two adult men are screaming in horror. One man, in a green shirt, is holding out a comic book with the “G” symbol on the front cover, wide eyes staring at it. The other man is actually sitting on the floor, hands tearing at his hair, legs kicking like an unhappy toddler, as he stares at an action figure of New G.

GREEN SHIRT: THEY MURDERED MY CHILDHOOD!

HAIR PULLER: THIS IS THE WORST ATROCITY OF ALL TIME!


They Murdered My Childhood! | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Media criticism |

The Union’s Demands Are Impossible!

Cartoon by Barry


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

The entire strip features the same two characters walking and talking. The first character is a woman who keeps her black hair pulled into a bun; she has large round glasses and is carrying a smartphone. Let’s call her BUN. The second character has brown hair in a sort of pageboy with bangs, so we’ll call her BANGS.

PANEL 1

Bun and Bangs are walking on a suburban sidewalk. Bun is holding out her smartphone to show Bangs some story she’s just been reading; Bangs is reading something on her own cell phone. Bun is looking a little panicked.

BUN: Have you seen these striking auto workers’ demands? The raises they want are literally impossible!

BANGS: Actually, the news just said the car companies agreed to the union’s terms.

PANEL 2

A close up of Bun, holding up a forefinger and looking just a little smug and pleased as she makes a prediction. Behind her we can see a blue sky with fluffy white clouds.

BUN: Yeah? Well, just you wait—a year from now, all the auto companies will be out of business!

PANEL 3

A big caption at the top of panel 3 says ONE YEAAR LATER.

Time has passed, but Bun and Bangs look much the same, although they’re now in different clothing, and it’s now nighttime. They’re walking on top of a hill and talking. Both of them are cheerful in this panel.

BANGS: So last year you said auto companies would be out of business by now. Since that didn’t happen, have you rethought anything?

BUN: I never said that.

PANEL 4

Bangs is taken totally aback. Bun is looking at her smartphone and finding something new to panic about.

BANGS: What? But you—

BUN: Hey, fast food workers are on strike! A year from now, a Big Mac will definitely cost $40!


The Union’s Demands Are Impossible! | Patreon

Posted in Labor rights & Unions |

Only Some Can Be Objective

Cartoon by Barry


A cartoon by me and Nadine Scholtes.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has three panels – although the final panel is divided into two sub-panels, as we shall see.

PANEL 1

In a newsroom (we can see a desk, and framed front-page stories on the wall), an older reporter, who is white and male, is talking to a younger Black reporter. The older reporter is wearing an off-white shirt with a red necktie; the younger reporter is a bit more casually dressed in a gray polo shirt. Let’s call the older reporter “NECKTIE.”

Necktie has his arms folded behind his back, and a condescending expression.

NECKTIE: Percy, you can’t write about police violence. You’re not objective.

PANEL 2

We are looking at Necktie again. In the background, we can see a young male reporter, with a red shirt and glasses, and a younger female reporter, wearing a jacket over a light pink blouse, both sitting behind desks.

NECKTIE: Just like Joey can’t write about trans issues.

NECKTIE: And Alicia tweeted about being sexually assaulted. So she can’t write sex crime stories. Reporters must be objective!

PANEL 3

This panel is divided into two sub-panels. The first panel shows Alicia, having stood up, speaking critically to Necktie; Necktie has his arms folded and is grinning.

ALICIA: But by that standard, isn’t everyone “biased”?

NECKTIE: Not quite everyone.

A thought balloon leads from Necktie’s head to the second (and larger) sub-panel. This panel shows Necktie, now wearing a jacket, a crown, and a sash that has “cis white male” printed on it, standing on a little platform so he’s above the other three reporters. The other three reporters are enthusiastically cheering for Necktie, and Alicia is swooning a bit with little hearts in the air around her head.

Behind Necktie is an enormous lit-up sign – the kind with a border made of light bulbs. The sign says, in large letters, “ALWAYS OBJECTIVE.” Balloons and confetti and roses fall from above. The balloons have lettering, which say things like “upper class” “white” “cis” “male” “abled” “thin” and “straight.”

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. In this case, the chicken fat can be found in the framed newspapers on the walls in the background.

In panel 1, there are two such newspapers, each partly blocked by foreground elements and by word balloons. Both of them are for a newspaper named “Background Tribune.”

The first is almost entirely blocked by Necktie standing in front of it. But since I wrote it, I know that it says “NO ONE CAN READ THIS! Virtually Entire Text Hidden By Drawings.”

The second article is less blocked, and says “KISSINGER DEAD. Sun Shines Bright, Babies And Unicorns Celebrating.” (Although I wrote the script for this cartoon years ago, I added in the chicken fat on November 29 2023, the day Henry Kissinger died.)

In panel 2, the newspapers on the wall are such tiny elements of the background that I doubt anyone will be able to read them online (although they might be legible in the eventual book collection). The first says “NO ONE CAN READ THIS! This Text Is Simply Too Tiny To Be Legible.” The second says “NO ONE CAN READ THIS ONE EITHER. This Gag Is The Same As The Other One.”


Only Some Can Be Objective | Patreon

Posted in Media criticism, Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Racism & Racists, Sexism & Misogyny |

So Much In Common

Cartoon by Barry


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same scene: Two women on a suburban or urban-but-not-the-core sidewalk. It looks like winter; the women are both wearing puffy jackets, and the trees are bare.

The woman on the left has black hair in a ponytail, is wearing a dark purple knit hat, a blue puffy coat, and dark pants. Let’s call her HAT.

The woman on the right has round glasses, reddish-brown hair, and is wearing a black puffy winter vest over a long-sleeve shirt, and a polka-dot skirt. Let’s call her SKIRT.

PANEL 1

Hat is holding her phone away from her face, as if she just finished a phone call. She’s got her back to Skirt, but is looking in skirt’s direction, and is slightly surprised to be addressed. Skirt is speaking to Hat with a sincere expression.

SKIRT: Excuse me… I overheard what you said on the phone, and I completely agree! This whole war comes down to the right to self-defense.

PANEL 2

Hat has turned towards Skirt. Both women have somewhat angry expressions, but the mood (I hope) isn’t yelling at each other, but a mutual griping session. Hat has lifted one hand in an “explaining my point” gesture, while Skirt has her arms akimbo.

HAT: Exactly! No other nation is expected to endure attack after attack without fighting back!

SKIRT: It’s unfortunate that some civilians die. But we’re not the ones who started it!

PANEL 3

They get more into their griping; hat is holding her hands in fists and leaning forward, and Skirt is waving her arms and leaning forward.

HAT: Right! They could end this anytime, but they don’t want to!

SKIRT: We’ve got no choice! We’re defending our right to exist!

PANEL 4

Hat turns a bit away as the conversation ends. Both of them look very pleased. The dialog this panel is all in thought balloons.

HAT (thought): So nice to meet another Israel supporter!

SKIRT (thought): So nice to meet another Hamas supporter!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

In panel three, there’s a newspaper littering the ground. If you look super closely, the paper has the headline CARTOONIST LOSES PATRONS, and in smaller print, “Whoops! Says Drawing Man.” The newspaper’s photo shows a stickfigure man shrugging.


So Much In Common | Patreon

Posted in Imperialism & War |

Nonbinaries Don’t Care About Your Bullshit

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is by Nadine Scholtes and I!


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. The first three panels show a man sitting on a sofa in front of his coffee table, and with a laptop on his, er, lap. Let’s call him “Big Doug.” He has his blonde hair combed back neatly, and is wearing a dark button-down shirt over blue jeans. A carton of take-out Chinese food, a soda, and a TV remote sit on the coffee table. His home, or what we can see of it, is large and nice, but also severely underdecorated (there are no pictures on the walls) and the lighting is desaturated and dull.

In each of the first three panels, the top of the panel is taken up by an image of the tweet Big Doug has just posted. (We can see on the tweets that “Big Doug” is the name he uses for his Twitter account.)

PANEL 1

Big Doug leans forward with an eager expression as he types on his laptop. Big Doug has just posted a tweet which says…

TWEET: There is no such thing as “non-binary.” It is a recent invention by people who want to identify as “Look at me.” That is all.

BIG DOUG: Hah! That’ll really piss the little freaks off!

PANEL 2

Big Doug leans back with his arms folded and an expression of someone who is happy with the job he’s done. He winks.

TWEET: Non-binary is the way ‘normies’ get to include themselves in the alphabet soup. That is all.

BIG DOUG: Maybe I “triggered” them and they’re too sad to reply. Ha! I bet the non-binaries are crying!

PANEL 3

A long shot shows Big Doug dwarfed by his high-ceilinged den. He looks puzzled.

TWEET: ‘Non-binary people must be respected.’ No, they do not. Reality must be respected, not delusions. That is all.

BIG DOUG (thought): Still nothing? Where are the non-binaries?

PANEL 4

We are outdoors; the sky is a bright blue with some small fluffy white clouds, and green trees frame the panel. Two young people are seated on a park bench, and a third, with pink hair peeking out from under a brown cap, leans over from behind the bench to show them something on their smartphone. All of them are dressed in bright colors (tending towards pastels in the case of one of them), and seem engaged and cheerful.

PINK HAIR: There’s a new k-pop dance. Wanna learn it?

PURPLE JACKET: Yes!


Nonbinaries Don’t Care About Your Bullshit | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Right-wingers |

Generations

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon was drawn by the remarkable Nadine Scholtes.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each of the panels shows the same two characters; a doctor, who is a white man in his forties, and a patient, who looks to be in his sixties at least. We’re in a medical examination room; the patient is sitting on the examination table, while the doctor stands.

PANEL 1

The doctor is holding an otoscope (which is that thing they use to examine ears). (Did you know that thing’s called an otoscope? I didn’t, I had to google it). The patient is not yelling or anything, but he’s sort of ranting a little.

DOCTOR: Hold still while I look in your ear.

PATIENT: i bought a coffee and this young “barista” was so rude!

PANEL 2

The doctor, wielding the otoscope, is peering into the patient’s ear with an expression of concentration. The patient is warming up to his rant.

DOCTOR: Mm hmmm

PATIENT: i swear these millennials are the worst!

PANEL 3

The doctor has crossed the room and is putting the otoscope away in a drawer (which means I won’t have an excuse to repeat the word “otoscope” in the next panel, alas). He has kind of a bored expression. The patient looks very surprised by what the doctor is saying.

DOCTOR: Actually, sir, I’m a millennial. We’re old now.

PATIENT: Really?

PANEL 4

The doctor is now holding a clipboard. (Instead of an otoscope.) (Ha! Found an excuse!) The doctor is looking amused, while the patient looks affronted, with his arms crossed.

DOCTOR: Yup. We’re all picking on gen Z now. but in a few years we’ll switch to gen Alpha.

PATIENT: Dammit! Why didn’t I get the memo on this?

CHICKEN FAT

Chicken fat are meaningless details that cartoonists sometimes put into cartoons to amuse ourselves. In this case, there’s a framed poster on the wall in the background. In panel 1, the poster has a realistic image of a human heart, with the caption “YOUR HEART” and then in smaller lettering “is kinda gross looking.”

The poster isn’t in frame in panel two. In panel three, the poster shows a cartoon doctor (who looks like a Muppet to me) glaring out at us. The caption says “Please tell the doctor your self-diagnosis you found online. Doctors love that.”

In panel 4, the poster of the doctor is still there, but the caption has been replaced with a lot of tiny, tiny text. The tiny text says: “I can’t believe you’re reading this tiny print, it’s not at all interesting. Watch tv instead. I honestly feel a bit guilty putting this here because I’m totally wasting your time. It’s just meaningless background text. On the other hand, it’s not like you’d be curing cancer if you weren’t reading this. But that’s okay. You’re good as you are. Read tiny print if you want to.”


Generations | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Uncategorized |

G.O.P. Approved History

Cartoon by Barry


Welcome back to artist R. E. Ryan! This is the second cartoon he’s done with me; I certainly hope there’ll be more.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows a different scene with different characters.

PANEL 1

A bald white man wearing a brown suit is speaking directly to the reader. He has a gun-shaped flame lighter in one hand, a flame coming out the end, and a book in the other hand. The book’s title is “Woke Gender Stuff,” and the book is on fire.

MAN: You’ve probably heard woke liberal media lies about Republicans banning books from schools. But we love learning! We just want students to hear the truth! So sit down and learn some G.O.P. APPROVED HISTORY.

(The last three words of the Man’s dialog are in huge, friendly letters, forming the title of this strip.)

PANEL 2

Two Black men are wearing Victorian-era suits and ties; one is wearing a tall black top hat. They are seated in plush armchairs in what looks like an exclusive men’s club; they are smoking cigars and drinking from wine glasses.

The first man grins as he speaks to us; the second man is leaning forward in his chair, as if he’s intent on us getting this point.

1st MAN: I’m a Black African in 1526! My friends and I created the intercontinental slave trade and whites had nothing to do with it!

2nd MAN: Remember that, kids – whites are totally innocent!

PANEL 3

A modern-looking boxing ring. There are two boxers in the ring. The one on the left, who doesn’t look very strong, is wearing a royal crown over a white powdered wig, red boxing gloves, and a “Che” t-shirt. The one on the right has red hair, is shirtless (and has huge muscles), has stars-and-bars themed boxing gloves and shorts, and has a giant tattoo covering his back which says “We The People” in the distinctive handwriting of the Declaration of Independence.

Let’s call them KING GEORGE and THOMAS JEFFERSON. George looks tired, while Thomas looks very energetic and is grinning at us.

KING GEORGE: I’m King George (they/them), here to fight Tom Jefferson!

JEFFERSON: I’m Tom Jefferson! I invented freedom. I’m so kind to my slaves, and did I mention I’m definitely not a rapist?

PANEL 4

Abe Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus have their arms around each other as they smile out at us. Abe is wearing his signature top hat and holding a can of beer. Jesus has a halo floating over his tricorn hat, is gently glowing all over, and is wearing a yellow “Don’t Tread On Me” t-shirt.

LINCOLN: I’m Abe Lincoln, and I’m a Republican! That’s all you need to know about me.

REAGAN: I’m Abe’s best friend Ronald Reagan!

JESUS: And I’m Jesus! We’re all Republicans!


GOP Approved History | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Conservatives, Racism & Racists, Right-wingers |

Some Things Straight People Can Stop Saying

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is by Becky Hawkins and I.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has nine panels, arranged in a three by three grid, with nine different brightly-colored backgrounds making a sort of patchwork effect. Each panel shows a single character talking directly to the reader.

Below the bottom of the cartoon is an additional tiny “kicker” panel.

PANEL 1

A smug-looking guy with a beard and curly hair is waving a miniature queer pride flag (specifically, the Intersex-Inclusive Progress Pride Flag, which has a circle on top of a series of triangles on top of colored stripes) as he speaks.

GUY: Look at what a great ally I am! I totally get what you people go through!

PANEL 2

A blond guy with wide eyes is pointing back and forth at us (as if moving his pointing finger rapidly between two people), and is grinning past a hand held in front of his mouth.

BLOND: So who’s the man and who’s the woman?

PANEL 3

A large man with spikey brown hair and a chin-only beard is waving a hand, his other hand on his hip, as he speaks with a somewhat aggrieved expression.

MAN: When’s straight pride? Huh?

PANEL 4

A young woman with her brown hair in a high ponytail, and with a tattoo of a fairy (er, the magical creature) on her upper arm, sticks her tongue out and makes a disgusted expression.

WOMAN: That’s so gay.

PANEL 5

This is the center panel, and a bit over half of it is taken up by large, friendly lettering which says: SOME THINGS STRAIGHT PEOPLE CAN STOP SAYING

Below that, an older woman with gray hair and glasses looks a little bit confused.

WOMAN: But you don’t look gay.

PANEL 6

A young woman (or a teen) with blonde hair is talking to us with a big grin and pointing rapidly at three different off-panel people.

GIRL: Do you think he’s hot?

GIRL: How about him?

GIRL: How about him?

PANEL 7

A woman sporting carefully done hair, cascading down to below her shoulders, a made-up face, and large earrings, looks confused as she speaks to us.

WOMAN: Can you explain to me why lesbians don’t want to look good?

PANEL 8

A middle-aged man wearing a polo shirt grins lasciviously at us, one eyebrow raised, as he pulls at the side of his collar in a “wow it’s hot in here” gesture.

MAN: You’re a lesbian? Man, what a waste.

PANEL 9

A woman with an annoyed expression is holding two children – a baby in one arm, and a toddler in the other. The baby’s onesie has “Heartbreaker” printed on the front, and the toddler’s t-shirt says “Ladies Man.”

WOMAN: Why must you people flaunt it?

TINY KICKER PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

A man wearing glasses and a green shirt is talking to Barry. He’s pointing up and to the left (towards panel one). Barry is looking really nervous as he replies.

MAN: By making this cartoon, aren’t you like panel one?

BARRY: It’s different because… um…


Some Things Straight People Can Stop Saying | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, LGBT cartoons |

Why We Need Don’t Say Gay Laws

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon was drawn by the wonderful Nadine Scholtes. The unicorns and rainbows were Nadine’s idea, and I love them.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon ahs four panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel below the bottom of the cartoon.

PANEL 1

Two teenagers are standing in a library, and talking directly to the reader. Billy, the boy, is wearing a football uniform and carrying a football. The girl, Sally, is wearing a cheerleader outfit. Billy has his arm around Sally’s shoulders, and Sally is affectionately holding the arm.

BILLY: Hi! I’m Billy Allamerican, and this is my girlfriend Sally.

SALLY: We’re both extremely typical heterosexual high schoolers!

PANEL 2

A person wearing a rainbow-colored sweatshirt, matching their rainbox colored hair, and wearing a big peace sign pendant, and a pinback which says “THEY THEM,” comes in, talking to Billy and Sally. They’re holding up a book with a sparkling cover with the title BE GAY. Billy looks surprised, and Sally looks puzzled.

BILLY: Oh look, it’s Ms Woke, our school librarian!

WOKE: Hi, Kids! Have you read this gay book?

SALLY: What’s “Gay”?

PANEL 3

This panel has a large caption at the top, which says “LITERALLY ONE DAY LATER” in pink lettering.

The panel shows Billy and Sally, standing out on a field. There are smiling unicorns with rainbow manes and tails rearing up on either side of them, and a rainbow behind them. Everything is sparkling.

Billy is now dressed and posed as a stereotypical flaming gay man, wearing a pink shirt and tan capris. Sally is wearing black boots with big buckles and dark shorts and shirt, and is holding an electric razor and shaving one side of her head. Even though it’s been barely a day and her legs were totally hairless in panel one, we can see hair growing on her legs.

BILLY: Now that we’re gay, Sally, I’ve quit the football team to become a communist florist!

SALLY: That’s so cool, Billy! I’m going to shave my head and become a witch!

The panel border between panels 3 and 4 is a thought balloon.

PANEL 4

The right panel border of panel 3 is a thought balloon border, which leads to the head of the first speaker in panel 4 (indicating that panel 3 was in his imagination). There are two guys here; they’re sitting at a bar, with beers in mugs.

The first man is a gray-haired man with a beard and mustache, wearing a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a red necktie. He’s holding up one finger as if he’s making a point. We’ll call him NECKTIE.

The second man is bald and a little chubby, with a beard and mustache, and wearing a red plaid shirt. We’ll call him PLAID.

NECKTIE: And THAT’S why we need “Don’t Say Gay” laws!

PLAID: Makes sense.

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

Necktie and Sally (with a crew-cut and wearing dark makeup) are talking; Necktie is in a panic, while Sally is cheerful.

NECKTIE: Why would anyone be straight if we let them know there are other options?

SALLY: Exactly!


Why We Need Don’t Say Gay Laws | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Right-wingers |

Our Loss, Your Gain

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is by Becky Hawkins and I.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This four-panel cartoon shows a conversation between a casually-dressed woman – tank top, casual pants, sneakers, ponytail – and a woman who either is a doctor or is trying to be mistaken for one, with a white lab coat with a name plate, and slim pants and high heels. We’ll call them SUSAN and FAUXDOC.

PANEL 1

Susan is smiling happily, and pulling the waistband of her pants forward to show a gap – i.e., that she’s lost weight. Fauxdoc is grinning even bigger as she talks to Ponytail.

SUSAN: Wow! I’ve lost twenty pounds!

FAUXDOC: Congratulations, Susan! And all thanks to the Willōw-We™ Lifestyle Change™ Program System!

PANEL 2

A close-up of Fauxdoc shows her grinning as she holds up a box with “Willōw-We™ Lifestyle Change™ Program System” written on it in large letters.

FAUXDOC: Because you couldn’t have done it without us, right?

PANEL 3

Susan’s smile has dimmed a bit, but she’s still smiling. Fauxdoc has produced a huge professional-looking camera and is preparing to take Susan’s photo.

SUSAN: Um… I guess?

FAUXDOC: I’m taking your picture! Everyone will see how Willōw-We™ made you lose weight!

FAUXDOC: All credit to Willōw-We™!

FAUXDOC: Do the waistband thing again.

PANEL 4

Time has passed, and Susan has definitely gained weight. Susan looks sad and a little bewildered; Fauxdoc is glaring at Susan and pointing at her accusingly.

CAPTION: SIX MONTHS LATER

SUSAN: The weight came back…

FAUXDOC: DAMMIT, SUSAN! You failed and it’s all YOUR fault!


Our Loss, Your Gain | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Fat Acceptance |

Women Need To Be More Warm And Approachable

Cartoon by Barry


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has five panels.

PANEL ONE

We’re looking at a few students standing on a grassy area, with paths and trees, between large academic buildings. In the foreground, a good-looking student with neatly combed brown hair and a purple polo shirt is reading something on his phone. In the background, two more students – a woman with orange curly hair (I’ll call her Claire), and a man with a small beard and his hair in a ponytail (I’ll call him Ponytail)- are looking at the foreground student. Claire looks concerned, Ponytail is in cheerful lecture mode.

CLAIRE: That guy’s in my sociology class… He’s bitter and angry at women. Why are some guys like that?

PONYTAIL It’s because too few women are warm and approachable.

PANEL TWO

A close-up of Claire shows her looking back towards the man she pointed out and smiling.

CLAIRE: Hmmm… Excuse me a minute.

PANEL THREE

Claire has walked up to the guy in the purple polo shirt; we can now see he’s sitting on a public bench. He’s pleased and very surprised that she came up to him. She waves and smiles as she speaks.

CLAIRE: Hi, I’m Claire. We’re in Sociology together.

PANEL FOUR

A caption at the top of panel four says A FEW WEEKS LATER.

Panels four and five both show Claire and Ponytail sitting together at a round table in a cafe of some sort; there are framed photos on the wall, and large windows behind them, showing an area with a big tree. Claire has a coffee mug in front of her, and Ponytail is looking at a newspaper he’s reading.

In panel four, Claire is talking a bit angrily on her cell phone, waving her other arm a bit.

CLAIRE: Look, I don’t owe you being your girlfriend because I was nice to you! Just leave me alone!

PANEL FIVE

Ponytail hasn’t moved at all, speaking without looking up from his paper, Claire has laid her head on the table in a despairing sort of way.

CLAIRE: Great. Now I have a stalker.

PONYTAIL: It’s your own fault for being warm and approachable.

CHICKEN FAT

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonist put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing.

Panel one: Not really a gag, but Ponytail’s t-shirt has a traffic light design, which I rather like and think would make a good shirt.

Panel four: In the background, there’s a photo of Wilma Flintstone on the wall.

The headline of Ponytail’s newspaper says “Background Detail Monthly.”

Panel five: The photo on the wall in the background has changed to being Pearl from “Steven Universe.”

The headline on the paper now says “I think therefore I nsomnia.”

The coffee mug on the table, in panel four, had cartoon lighting on it; it now has a cartoon rainstorm on it.

Outside the window, Michael and Janet from the TV show “The Good Place” are looking in.

There’s also a squirrel.


Women Need To Be More Warm And Approachable | Patreon

Posted in Sexism & Misogyny |

The GOP Tax Policy Cycle!

Cartoon by Barry


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon is laid out in a circle, with each panel having an arrow leading the reader to the next panel. So in principle, any of these four panels could be panel one. But for purposes of this transcript, I’ll start out with the topmost panel.

Each panel shows the same powerful-looking middle-aged man, wearing a suit with a red striped tie.

In the middle of the cartoon is the title, printed in large friendly letters. The title i: THE GOP TAX POLICY CYCLE.

PANEL 1

The man – who I’ll just call GOP – is looking at a piece of paper he’s holding and jumping up with a horrified expression on his face.

GOP: HORRORS! The U.S. is running a DEFICIT!

PANEL 2

The man steeples his fingers in front of him and has a big smirk, as he closes his eyes. He looks very content.

GOP: We HAVE to make BIG cuts to social welfare programs!

PANEL 3

The man is now dancing in place, one foot kicked off the ground, arms raised, and has a big grin.

GOP: Then we’ll give rich people and corporations HUGE tax cuts!

PANEL 4

The man is now leaning against the side of the cartoon with one hand. The other hand holds a piece of paper, which he’s glaring at.

MAN: Mysteriously, those tax cuts were followed by less tax revenue, which means…

(Panel 4 is followed by an arrow leading back to panel 1.)

PANEL 1

The man – who I’ll just call GOP – is looking at a piece of paper he’s holding and jumping up with a horrified expression on his face.

GOP: HORRORS! The U.S. is running a DEFICIT!


The GOP Tax Policy Cycle | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Economic cartoons, Right-wingers |

Service Animal Blues

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon is drawn by the wonderful Nadine Scholtes!


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

We’re looking at three characters on a train.

The first character is a attractive man in his 20s or 30s, wearing jeans and a button-up shirt with rolled-up sleeves. There’s a suitcase on the floor next to him.

He’s smiling and leaning down to talk to the second character, a very handsome dog – specifically, a black and white bi-colored Australian Shepherd. The dog is wearing a red harness which includes a sign on the front saying “service dog.” The dog is looking straight ahead with a serious expression.

The third character is the dog’s human, sitting (we know she belongs to the dog because she’s got the loop of the dog’s leash around one wrist). She’s dressed in desaturated red pants with a short of puffy fringe on the cuffs, a pink front-button blouse, and is holding a purse in her lap. Most importantly, she’s asleep; her head is leaning against a wall, and she’s drooling a bit.

MAN: Aww, who’s a good dog?

DOG (thought): Dude! C’mon! I’m at work!

PANEL 2

A close-up of the dog, who is leaning its head to one side, away from the man’s hand. The dog has an annoyed expression.

DOG (thought): I’ve got responsibilities here. Don’t distract me!

DOG (thought): Do I come up and pat your head at your job?

PANEL 3

The man’s hand is now firmly petting the dog on the top of its head. The dog closes its eyes and endures.

DOG (thought): You’re lucky I’m a professional, or I’d so growl at you right now.

DOG (thought): But I will be writing a very sternly worded letter to the editor!

PANEL 4

The setting has switched to a newspaper office. Two people – a 30 or 40ish bald man struggling to hold a bunch of papers, and a 50 or 60sh woman in a brown business outfit – are standing in front of an partly open door with a sign that says “editor.” The woman is holding a letter open in front of her, with the torn-open envelope in the same hand, and is looking at it with bewilderment.

MAN: What’s that?

WOMAN: It’s… A piece of paper covered in paw prints?


Service Animal Blues | Patreon

Posted in Ableism, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Reality vs Imagination, Trans Kids Edition

Cartoon by Barry


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon contains ten panels; the left half of the cartoon is a three-by-three grid, containing nine panels, while the right half is a single large panel.

A big caption above the left half of the cartoon says, in large friendly lettering:

HOW TRANSITIONING HAPPENS FOR KIDS

PANEL 1

A young man is speaking directly to the reader. He has hair that’s carefully combed on top and buzz-cut on the sides, a short beard, and is wearing a reddish tank top and a black leather wrist band. He’s smiling and friendly. Let’s call him “Bob,” because why not.

BOB: The process isn’t always the same, but here’s how it went for me.

PANEL 2

In the foreground, we can see a child with hair in a ponytail. The kid is sitting across a table from two people (presumably Bob’s parents), who both look stunned.

BOB (in a caption): When I was ten, I finally told mom and dad I’m a boy. They were, um… surprised.

PANEL 3

Bob is again speaking directly to the reader, smiling, hands on hips.

BOB: But eventually they got me an appointment with a trans-friendly therapist.

PANEL 4

Bob raises one hand in a classic “cartoon explaining hands” motion.

BOB: After months of sessions with the therapist, my parents agreed to the next step…

PANEL 5

A shot of kid Bob, in a short boy’s haircut, wearing an Elmo t-shirt, jeans shorts, and red high-top sneakers, grinning and glowing with pride, with his chest puffed out.

BOB (in a caption): A new name, new clothes and a new haircut!

PANEL 6

A hand is sticking into the panel, holding up a letter. The letter says “Dear Doc, YUP! HE TRANS! yrs, Therapist”

BOB (in a caption): Armed with letters from two therapists, we contacted a gender clinic…

PANEL 7

Bob – narrator Bob now, not kid Bob – is sort of emerging from a calendar, leaning his head on one arm. He looks a bit sad.

BOB: But there was a waiting list… I lived as myself over a year before I got in.

PANEL 8

A hand is holding a prescription bottle, although it looks a bit more complicated than most pill bottles do, with an oversize cap, and we can see it has a big stopper. (This is because it contains injectable liquid, not pills.) We can see that the bottle is labeled “Leuprolide.”

PANEL 9

We’re now seeing Bob from head to toe, as if the camera is backing away. He’s continuing to talk, but each successive word balloon has slightly smaller lettering, as if it’s fading into the distance.

BOB: That was only the start! It was years before I began hormones.

BOB: So next I…

BOB: And then…

PANEL 10

This is a huge panel, taking up the entire right half of the cartoon. A small girl, with her hair in pigtails and holding a teddy in one hand, is in what’s obviously a medical office of some kind, standing in front of the counter and talking to the person behind the counter.  Her eyes are wide.

The woman behind the counter is leaning forward, almost over the counter, and looks rather predatory. She’s wearing blue scrubs over a black shirt.

A big caption at the bottom of the panel says “HOW THEY IMAGINE IT HAPPENS.”

LITTLE GIRL: My teacher says I’m a tomboy.

WOMAN BEHIND COUNTER: That means you’re a boy! We’ll start you on hormones right now!


Reality vs Imagination, Trans Kids Edition | Patreon

Posted in LGBT cartoons |

Diets Don’t Work Therefore You Must Diet!

Cartoon by Barry


This cartoon was written by Barry and drawn by Becky Hawkins.


TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels.

Panel 1

A doctor (surgical scrubs, white lab coat, standing in a standard doctor’s examination room and holding a manila folder filled with papers) talks directly to us. He is neatly groomed and very likable and trustworthy looking, with a very friendly expression.

DOCTOR: The way public health experts think about weight is changing! Here’s some things we now all accept:

PANEL 2

Although the doctor’s monologue continues, we don’t see him in this panel; instead we see a collage. There’s a desert with a road sign saying “Next Food 1200 Miles”; a DNA helix; a prescription pill bottle with “side effects may include weight gain” on the label; Sigmund Freud, reading a notepad and holding a cigar; and a cupcake.

DOCTOR: People are fat for a wide variety of reasons.

PANEL 3

The doctor is holding a pamphlet out to us (which due to foreshortening takes up most of the panel). The pamphlet cover says “BMI: How do YOU compare to a small group of white male Europeans 200 years ago?”

DOCTOR: BMI is an imperfect measure of health.

PANEL 4

A couple of happy-looking fat people are cooking; in the foreground, a woman chops onions, while in the background we can see a man flipping the stir-fry in a frying pan like a pancake. In the background, we can see the Doctor on a tablet screen on a shelf.

DOCTOR: Health markers like blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol can be improved without weight loss.

PANEL 5

A close-up of the tablet, with the Doctor talking on the screen, now with a concerned expression.

DOCTOR: The vast majority of diets fail because people regain weight. Losing and regaining over and over can harm your health.

DOCTOR: And most importantly…

PANEL 6

In a contrast to how calm the Doctor has been up to now, he’s now screaming in panic and waving his hands like Kermit the Frog.

DOCTOR: EVERY FAT PERSON MUST LOSE WEIGHT! LOSE IT NOW! NOOOOOW!


Diets Don’t Work Therefore You Must Diet | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Fat Acceptance |