Electoral College Confessions!

Cartoon by Barry

Check out the timelapse drawing video for this cartoon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus an additional tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the cartoon. All four panels feature two characters who are walking through a park and talking.

The first character is a woman with dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, wearing a red tank top and jeans. Let’s call her TANKTOP. The second character is a businessman-looking man, wearing round glasses and a blue suit. Let’s call him SUIT.

PANEL 1

Tanktop and Suit are walking though a hilly park. Tanktop looks a little angry and is lecturing Suit, who seems calmer. Suit is walking in front of Tanktop, so he’s facing away from her.

TANKTOP: Conservatives say we need the Electoral College so small states won’t be ignored – but since the ten smallest states aren’t swing states, the Electoral
College guarantees they get ignored!

SUIT: I’m so sick of this argument.

PANEL 2

A close up of Suit, who is looking very annoyed.

SUIT: IT’s true our arguments for the Electoral College make zero sense! And they’re anti-Democracy! Who cares? It doesn’t matter if we make sense!

PANEL 3

An even closer close-up of Suit, who finally turns back to look at Tanktop as he speaks. His expression is angry and intense.

SUIT: With the Electoral College, we can lose the vote and still win the presidency! We will never let voters decide, because then we’d have less power, and power is all we care about! How do you not know that?

PANEL 4

Suit has turned away from Tanktop again and the two continue walking. Both of them have returned to speaking in ordinary tones, although Tanktop still looks annoyed.

TANKTOP: I did know, but I’m shocked you’re saying it aloud.

SUIT: Well, don’t forget this is a cartoon.

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

Suit is talking to Barry the Cartoonist.

SUIT: I will never, ever, ever turn against the Electoral College! Unless Texas turns blue.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an outdated cartoonists’ term for little details in a comic that don’t mean anything but are hopefully fun.

PANEL 1: Beaker from the Muppets is peeking out of a hole in a tree.

A sign in the background says “KEEP OFF THE GRASS (ink may smear).”

PANEL 2: A bird flying in the background has a cat head. (In the sense of its own head being feline, not in the sense that it’s carrying a decapitated cat’s head).

PANEL 4: An evil bunny smoking a cigarette is sticking its head out of a hole in the ground. In the foreground, a friendly looking pig wearing a fedora is glancing out towards the readers. On the path, a bored looking snail is on top of a tiny skateboard, and an ant is riding on top of the snail.

In panel one, Tanktop’s tattoo was a coffee mug with a smiley face on it. In this panel, the coffee mug has fallen on its side, spilling coffee, and the face on the mug is distressed.

Electoral College Confession! | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Elections |

Why We Say “As A Jew”

Cartoon by Barry

This comic was drawn by Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same two women having an argument on a grassy area of a college campus (we can see a definitely collegiate brick building in the background). Both of them look like college students.

The student on the left has wavy green hair and is wearing a dark tank top with ripped armholes and collar and a drawing of a possum skull on the front. She has a septum piercing and is wearing leather boots.

The student on the right has wavy brunette hair and is rather nattily dressed in a blue sweater vest over a pink front-button shirt, rectangular glasses, and heeled boots.

Let’s call these two GREENIE and GLASSES.

PANEL 1

Greenie talks to Glasses with an earnest expression; Glasses has turned away from Greenie with her arms crossed, and looks annoyed.

GREENIE: I am Jewish, and as a Jew, I think what Israel’s doing is horr-

GLASSES: “As a Jew.” Hah! You know why anti-Israel Jews always say they’re speaking “as a Jew”?

PANEL 2

Greenie spreads her arm in an “explainy” sort of way, but it cut off by Glasses, who turns to face her, with an angry expression and pointing a finger accusingly at Greenie.

GREENIE: Because-

GLASSES: You say it because you want to tokenize yourself! You use being Jewish as a way to slander your people.

PANEL 3

A shot from Greenie’s POV, showing Glasses leaning forward, a furious expression on her face, pointing straight at the viewer like Uncle Sam in the “wants you” poster.

GLASSES: You “AsAJew” types are cosplay Jews! You’re modern day kapos giving comfort to the enemy! You’re the Jew who turns in other Jews to the Nazis because you hope you’ll be spared! And that’s why you said “as a Jew!”

PANEL 4

A large caption at the top of the panel says “A MINUTE EARLIER.”

Greenie is looking annoyed, arms akimbo, as she listens to Glasses, who is declaiming with one pointer finger held high in the air.

GLASSES: You wouldn’t say that if you were Jewish!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

In panel one, on a tree in the background, a squirrel with a tiny blue backpack is crouched on a branch. In panel two, the squirrel has launched itself into the air, and the backpack has unfurled a blue parachute. In panel four – which takes place before panel one – we see the squirrel back in the tree, poking its head out of a hole.

There’s a newspaper lying on the ground near Glasses’ feet. The name of the newspaper is “Background Daily.” In panel one, the front page says “This repeats three times in this comic. No need to read the other ones!” In panel two, it says “seriously you can stop reading this.” And in panel four, it says “This headline takes place before panel one.”

Why We Say “As A Jew” | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Imperialism & War |

Objective Journalism is Coming! Objective Journalism is Coming!

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All four panels show a Massachusetts street in 1775.

PANEL 1

This panel shows Paul Revere riding a galloping horse down a street, yelling “The British Are Coming!” (Revere yells this, not the horse). He’s riding hard, and mice are scattering to avoid being run over.

REVERE: The British are coming!

PANEL 2

Revere, sweating from his hard ride, has dismounted and come to a halt, and is talking to a JOURNALIST. The journalist is dressed in a period suit and leaning against the side of a building, but he also has a piece of paper saying “press” sticking out of his hat. He’s looking at his smart phone.

REVERE: A journalist? Perfect! The British army is coming by way of the Charles River!

JOURNALIST: I can’t report that. You’re a revolutionary. What you say isn’t objective.

PANEL 3

The journalist has put his arm around Revere’s shoulders and is grinning as he holds out his phone to take a selfie. Revere looks very annoyed, arms crossed, face facing the camera but eyes glaring at the journalist.

REVERE: But what I’m saying is TRUTH! The British are attacking!

JOURNALIST: You’re in the group they’re attacking. That makes you too biased to quote.

PANEL 4

Revere raises his hands in a frustrated gesture. The journalist, smiling, points at Revere.

REVERE: No one even knows about this but us and them! Will you not report this at all?

JOURNALIST: No, I’ll report whatever the British say. People in power are never biased.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a ye olden days cartoonists’ expression for little details in a cartoon that don’t matter but might be amusing.

PANEL 1: A man in a nightshirt is leaning out of a background window waving to Revere.

There are mice scattering from the road to avoid being trampled. The mice are Izzy (from The Simpsons), the Brain (from Animaniacs, Minnie Mouse, and Jerry (from Tom and Jerry).

PANEL 2: The journalist is scrolling on a smart phone.

Garfield and Odie, from the Garfield comic strip, are in the background – Garfield is sitting on a fence reading a newspaper (Ye Olden Times Background Times”) and Odie is peeking out through a window.

The back page of the newspaper has a huge headline saying “Ben Franklin and Beyonce Sex Scandal,” and smaller text (so distorted by the angle that it’s basically impossible to read) says: “Even ignoring chronology problems, she is just way out of his league,” says puzzled historian.”

The front page of the newspaper has three stories. The first headline says “Hamilton Not Yet Famous,” and the story says: “Just you wait until Broadway exists,” says unknown nerd. The second headline says “New Tea Party In N Jersey,” and the story says “nobody notices or cares.” The third headline says “Political Cartoons Relevant & Popular,” and the story says: “And that’s something that will never change,” say confident cartoonists.

PANEL 3

The journalist is taking a selfie, and the horse, grinning, is positioning herself to be included in the selfie.

PANEL 4

The horse is holding the journalist’s hat in her mouth.

In the background, two sleek cats can be seen in a window; one of them is licking the window with apparent enjoyment.

Objective Journalism Is Coming! Objective Journalism is Coming! | Patreon

Posted in Media criticism, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

The Birth Rate is Always a Crisis

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a tiny kicker panel under the bottom of the cartoon. Each of the four panels show the same two people taking on a sidewalk. The first is a woman with short black hair, wearing an open yellow shirt over a light orange shirt, and knee-length purple shorts. The second is a young man with reddish brown hair parted in the middle, dressed more conservatively in a button-down men’s shirt tucked into blue pants. Let’s call these two SHORTS and PANTS.

PANEL 1

Shorts is walking down the sidewalk when she’s startled by Pants, who is waving his arms around and yelling.

PANTS: Teenagers having babies is a crisis! A catastrophe!

PANEL 2

The two of them talk calmly, Shorts making a “just explaining things” hand gesture, and Pants looking a little surprised and worrying his fingers.

SHORTS: Actually, the birthrate among teens has been plummeting for years.

PANTS: Really?

PANEL 3

A shot from over Pants’ shoulder, as he peers at the screen of Shorts’ smartphone, which she’s holding out to show him.

On screen, we are looking at a website with the “CDC” logo, and the headline “TEEN BIRTH RATE REACHES ANOTHER HISTORIC LOW.”

PANTS: Hmmm

PANEL 4

Pants rears back, hands clasped to his head, a huge expression of panic on his face. Shorts, still holding up her smartphone, rolls her eyes.

PANTS: Gasp! The birthrate is down! This is a CRISIS! A CATASTROPHE!

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON.

Pants is talking to Barry (the cartoonist). Pants looks stern, with his arms crossed.

PANTS: Whatever the birthrate is, people need to know women are doing it wrong!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

In ye olden days, when cartoonists stuck in irrelevant details for fun, the term for that was “chicken fat.” Nowadays we call this “easter eggs.” Apparently the term for this must always relate to poultry.

PANEL 1: A shifty-looking bunny, smoking a cigarette, is peering out from behind a tree.

A newspaper littering the ground, with a masthead saying “Daily Background,” has the headline “Cartoonist Subsidy Bill Passes!” and a subheadline saying “‘About damn time’ –Nation.” The photo accompanying the story shows a happy cartoonist who looks kinda like me holding a huge bag with $ written on the bag.

A scrap of paper on the ground says “Good people read this.” So there, don’t go saying I’ve never said anything nice about you.

A rat is napping in the gutter. One of the rat’s paws rests on an open bottle with a label saying “X,” but using the logo of the company that used to be Twitter.

PANEL 2: On the side of the tree, a realistically drawn squirrel is staring face-to-face with Woodstock from “Peanuts.”

PANEL 3: On the CDC’s website, there are two smaller stories at the bottom of the smartphone screen. The first says “Poll: Americans want Scientists & Government to Pretend Covid is Over.” with the subheadline “‘We don’t want to know. Anyway, what harm could it do?’ says public.”

The second story says “Study: Most Studies In Tiny Print Don’t Actually Exist.” And the subheadline says “Headlines like this one are just cartoonists making stuff up to fill in backgrounds.”

In the lower left corner of the panel, a little man, with blue skin and a purple mohawk, sits on the panel border grinning at the reader. He has a sign which says “I’m not relevant.”

PANEL 4: A bird flying in the background is wearing an eyepatch.

PANELS 1, 2 and 4: In panel 1, the tattoo on Shorts’ forearm shows an unhappy young person with big hair. In panel 2, the same tattoo shows the person with shorter hair, some brow wrinkles, and a still sad expression. In panel 4, the tattoo person is now bald and old, but has a happy expression.

The Birth Rate is Always a Crisis | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Health care |

Election Year, Squishy Progressive Style

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon is a twelve-panel grid, with each panel labeled in large letters at the top with a month – January, February, and so forth. For this transcript, rather than labeling the panels “panel 1” and so on, I’ll use the name of the month.

In addition, there’s a tiny kicker panel under the bottom of the cartoon. Each panel shows the same character – a fat dude with round glasses, a circle beard (the name for “a chin strap and a mustache that meet to form a circle”), and dark hair held in a short pony tail. Put another way, it’s my self-caricature, so I’ll call this dude “Barry.”

JANUARY

Barry, wearing a long black coat and a scarf, is standing on a sidewalk yelling to the sky, his hands clutched in fists.

BARRY: The Democrats are sell-outs!

FEBRUARY

Barry stands outside, wearing a heavy coat with a hood and (again) a scarf. It’s snowing hard. Barry’s arms are crossed and he has a “don’t try talking to me, I already know everything” expression.

BARRY: They’re owned by corporations, just like the GOP!

MARCH

Barry is wearing a Hawaiian shirt with a floral patter over a black t-shirt. He looks angry and is waving a fist in the air.

BARRY: F#&@! the Democrats!

APRIL

Barry is talking into the phone, smirking a little.

BARRY: Democrats want my money? I’d rather donate to cancer.

MAY

Barry is explaining something to a somewhat impatient looking friend (or maybe just an unfortunate person who wound up at the same bus stop, who knows?).

BARRY: We so desperately need a third party!

JUNE

Barry is standing in a living-room type room; there’s a window in the background, and an armchair. Barry’s talking on the phone, a concerned expression on his face.

BARRY: Yes, Republicans winning would be a disaster.

JULY

Barry sits at a table, head resting on his palm, looking at an open laptop.

BARRY (thought): Actually, the Dem candidates are pretty good. On some issues.

AUGUST

Barry is standing outside, in front of a stone wall lined with flower boxes on top, talking to a friend (or, again, maybe just an unlucky passerby). Barry has both arms raised in the air jubilantly.

BARRY: I still hate them but I really like them!

SEPTEMBER

Barry stands looking pensively out a window.

BARRY: Hate? Like? Hate? Like?

OCTOBER

Hi, I’m a volunteer for the Democrats. Have you made a plan for voting?

NOVEMBER

Barry, looking extremely anxious, is standing and looking at a computer monitor, hands pressed against the sides of his face, sweating.

BARRY (thought): Please please let the Dems win…

DECEMBER

Barry is walking on a sidewalk past a hillside. It’s dark out, and Barry is wearing a long coat and a scarf again. He’s talking on his cell phone with an angry expression.

BARRY: God, I hate the Democrats!

TINY KICKER PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

A woman is talking to Barry.

WOMAN: So you’re saying hypocrisy is bad?

BARRY: Sorta bad, sorta useful.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an old cartoonist’s expression for unimportant but possibly amusing details the cartoonist sticks into the art.

JANUARY: A flyer taped to the wall shows a glaring bunny with a cigarette dangling out of its mouth. The text says “BEWARE evil bunny.”

FEBRUARY: A snowman in the background appears to be a snow alien, with three eyes and two antenna.

MARCH: Barry’s t-shirt has a picture of the evil bunny, surrounded by letters that say “evil bunny 1968 world tour.” Barry has a tattoo on his arm which says “I Have No Tattoos.”

JUNE: A man wearing a black fedora is peering in the window at Barry. On the wall is a framed picture of the evil bunny. A cat sits in the armchair, slouching like a human and looking at a smartphone it’s holding in its front paws.

AUGUST: Barry’s t-shirt has a drawing of the Death Star from “Star Wars,” and under the Death Star is a caption saying “Cici n’est pas une lune.” This is a real t-shirt that was described to me by Packy Anderson in the comments of a previous cartoon.

SEPTEMBER: Barry’s t-shirt has the planet logo from the covers of the “Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” book series.

OCTOBER: Barry’s t-shirt says “your ad here.” The place on the back of the laptop where the manufacturer’s logo usually goes has a picture of Saturn.

NOVEMBER: Barry’s arm has a tattoo of Beaker from the Muppets. I’ve snuck Beaker into a lot of my cartoons because I just like him.

DECEMBER: A bird in the air in the background has Richard Nixon’s head instead of a bird head. A piece of paper lying on the sidewalk says “Last Panel. Phew! 12 panels is a lot.” And in the background, near a tree, is the evil bunny, smoking a cigarette.

Election Year, Squishy Progressive Style | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Elections |

A Concise History of Keeping The Immigrants Out

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is drawn by Becky Hawkins.

Click here to read Becky’s post about drawing this cartoon, and to see some of the reference photos she used!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each showing a different scene in a different era.

PANEL 1

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: 1871

Two wealthy-looking white Victorian men, middle aged and elderly aged, are sitting in armchairs in front of a fireplace in what looks like an expensive men’s club. One holds a glass of liquor, the other a cigar, as they talk to each other. In the background is a server with red hair, holding a tray with a bottle and glasses on it, and looking annoyed.

RICH GUY 1: We can’t let just anybody immigrate! The Irish are lazy and stupid!

RICH GUY 2: Better Irish than Chinese. I say keep ’em all out!

PANEL 2

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: 1939

Two white women walk along the boardwalk. One woman is wearing a floppy hat, pearls, and a light purple dress, and is carrying a green umbrella to shield herself from the sun. The other woman is wearing a green sash and turban over a tan pantsuit. The second woman is pointing out to the ocean, where we can see a large ship which might be the MS St Louis.

SASH WOMAN: Even if Nazis are killing Jews – and we all know Jews lie – why is that our problem? We can’t afford thousands of Jews leeching off the rest of us!

PANEL 3

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: TODAY

Two white women are walking through a park. One is wearing a broad hat, shorts, and carrying a backpack; the other is wearing a pink visor, and carrying a water bottle. In the background, a brown-skinned man carrying gardening shears watches them, not looking visibly annoyed but definitely aware of what they’re saying.

BACKPACK WOMAN: Central American “refugees” don’t want to work – they come here to live off welfare and crime!

PANEL 4

CAPTION AT TOP OF PANEL: 2146

Two people with ambiguous gender are standing. They’re wearing some sort of hover shoes, so they’re actually floating about a foot above the ground, with a yellow haze shooting out the bottom of their shoes. One is wearing a blue onesie with a wide futuristic looking yellow collar, along with a yellow hat and a fanny pack in front; the other is wearing a shawl over a crop top with lace trim, and a long green cargo skirt. The woman with the shawl is rudely pointing at a few obvious aliens (with tentacles instead of legs, gray skin, and huge black eyes) who are just a couple of feet away. One alien holds a map, which both of them are looking at, while the other is holding an alien baby.

LACE TOP WOMAN: Immigrants in the old days became good Americans. But these so-called “refugees” are lazy criminals! I say keep ’em out!

A Concise History of Keeping The Immigrants Out | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Racism & Racists, Social Justice |

The Objective New York Times

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A woman with glasses and short dark hair is leaning down to look at a rack of copies of The New York Times paper edition. Standing on top of the pile of newspapers is an andromorphized cartoon issue of The New York Times, with a big grin, cartoon dot eyes, and black arms leading to three-fingered hands in white gloves, a la Mickey Mouse.

WOMAN: Hi, New York Times! What’s in the news today?

NEW YORK TIMES: Elections! The Republican candidate says if elected he’ll end democracy and rainbows!

PANEL 2

The woman has picked up the New York Times and is looking at it as the New York Times cheerfully continues talking, raising a forefinger to make a point, it’s adorable little feet kicking in the air.

NEW YORK TIMES: He also said that if not elected, that would prove Democrats cheated and he won’t accept the result.

PANEL 3

A shot of just the New York Times, still talking cheerfully, its arms folded.

NEW YORK TIMES: In equally important news, the Democratic candidate still hasn’t accepted my request for an in-depth interview. GOP sources suggest this could be because she’s a scaredy-cat.

PANEL 4

Now placed in a public garbage can, the New York Times is still cheerfully prattling on. The woman appears to have left entirely.

NEW YORK TIMES: Don’t miss today’s four op-eds about this important story!

NEW YORK TIMES (thought balloon): Oh my gosh, I’m killing it today! Just listen to how objective I’m being!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-dead cartoonists’ term for unimportant but hopefully amusing details stuck into a cartoon.

Panel 1: The woman has a tattoo on her upper arm with a drawing of the famous pipe from René Magritte’s painting “The Treachery of Images,” but instead of saying “this is not a pipe” the caption says “this is not a tattoo.”

On the newsstand in the background, there are some magazines on display. Three magazines have the titles “This,” “That,” and “the Other,” and two more are entitled “Here” and “and There.” All the magazines feature a head-and-shoulders photo of a model, but on the cover to “the Other” the model is Snoopy in his “Joe Cool” get-up.

Panel 2: The woman’s arm tattoos have changed, almost as if this was easier for the artist than keeping the designs consistent would have been. :-p

Panel 3: At the bottom of the New York Times, a headline says “Weather,” and the smaller text below that says “yes there will be weather.”

Panel 4: There are two fliers taped to the wall in the background. One has a picture of a scowling penguin, with “PENGUINS” in big letters and in smaller lettering below that “secretly hate you.” The other flyer has a confused looking man looking out, and a big caption saying “BIG.” A smaller caption says “SMALL,” and a tiny caption below that says “tiny.”

Hanging out of the trash can is a flier that says “LOST” in big letters. The smaller print says “was a really good TV show that didn’t have an ending.”

The Objective New York Times | Patreon

Posted in Media criticism |

Announcing My New A.I. Comics Initiative!

Cartoon by Barry

Check out this sped-up video of me drawing this cartoon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This comic has four panels, each showing the same two characters. There’s a woman with long brown hair, a circle shaped earring, a black shirt and a red skirt. And there’s a fat guy with round glasses and dark hair tied in a ponytail, and he’s a caricature of me, Barry, the cartoonist. The two of them are talking in an outdoor park like environment.

PANEL 1

Barry is seated behind a desk that’s on a grassy hillside. He’s speaking directly to the reader with a big grin on his face and his arms spread wide. Nearby, the woman looks skeptical, as she pokes at a panel border.

BARRY: Announcing my new A.I. comics initiative! This comic is entirely drawn by A.I.!

WOMAN: Are you sure? It doesn’t look like A.I.

PANEL 2

Barry, grinning too big and looking like a nervous salesman, sweat flying off, holds out his hands. His hands look very gross, with many extra fingers.

BARRY: Uh… This is A.I.! Honest! Just look at my hideous hands!

BARRY: Are you listening, Colin Kaepernick? It’s yours for only three million dollars! Whatta bargain!

PANEL 3

The woman talks to Barry, holding up a palm in an “explaining my point” gesture. Barry, in response, holds up a hand in a “talk to the hand” gesture and turns away from her, his other hand on his forehead.

WOMAN: Couldn’t human cartoonists do the same work much better?

BARRY: Boring! Old! Not “disruptive!”

PANEL 4

The woman turns away from Barry, glaring down at a thick magazine about A.I. Art. Barry grins and holds his fisted hands to his chin in a “bursting with hope” sort of gesture. From the side, where Barry isn’t looking, a crude robot caricature of Barry has rolled onto panel. It’s holding up a four-panel comic strip.

WOMAN: It sounds like you’re selling out.

BARRY: Heck yeah! I just hope I can cash in before A.I. replaces me.

ROBOT BARRY: Hi there.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken Fat” is an old-fashioned cartoonists’ expression for little unimportant but hopefully fun details we put into cartoons. There’s a lot of chicken fat this time!

PANEL 1

In the foreground, there are a bunch of mushrooms growing from the ground, one of which has the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland on it, smoking from a large glass bong.

A gray-skinned Richard Nixon is popping up from a hole in the ground.

The woman’s earring is a yellow smiley face with red splattered over one eye, the icon of the “Watchmen” comic book.

PANEL 2

Among Barry’s many, many fingers is one that has a smiling face on the end. And one that’s a banana. And one that looks like the monster from “Alien,” with a smaller mouth extending out of the larger mouth.

Although all other panels show a cloudy day, in this panel the sky is clear blue and we can see the sun. The sun has a face and is scowling at Barry.

Barry’s t-shirt, which was black in the previous panel, has turned read. Words on the front of the shirt say “ME. © me 2024.”

PANEL 3

The woman’s skirt, which had a plaid pattern in panel 1, now has a polka dot pattern.

Barry’s t-shirt has changed again and now has an illustration of Bugs Bunny on it.

The woman’s round earring now has Charlie Brown’s face on it.

Barry has a third arm, which is holding an ice cream cone (one scoop of ice cream has fallen onto the sidewalk).

The woman’s hair is merging with a tree in the background.

A newspaper lying on the sidewalk, named “Background Tribune,” has a big headline which says “Litterbug Strikes Panel Three!”

PANEL 4

The woman’s skirt pattern has changed again, and is now a squared-off spiral pattern.

Her earring has changed again, and is now the face of Jack from the movie “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”

Barry’s t-shirt has changed again, and is now a drawing of a hammer in a yellow circle, which was the superhero character “Captain Hammer’s” logo in the web musical “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.”

The woman is holding a very thick magazine called “A.I. Art Daily.” The cover has a picture of a happy stick figure with three eyes and way too many fingers. There are two headlines: “Glossy surfaces are all art needs” and “Rainforests will not be missed.”

The comic strip the robot is holding is actually this comic strip.

Announcing My New A.I. Initiative! | Patreon

Posted in Economic cartoons |

Door to Door Policy Salesman

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All four panels show the same scene and the same two characters. We are outside a middle-class looking house, looking at the front door. The door is open, and a 1950s-housewife-looking woman, with a bouffant hairdo and a green dress, is standing in the doorway. She’s talking to a man in a gray suit, with a matching fedora, carrying a brown suitcase.

We’ll call these two characters “Housewife” and “Salesman.”

In addition to the four panels, there’s a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the strip.

PANEL 1

The salesman stands talking to the housewife, one hand outspread in a friendly fashion. The housewife looks nervous and has a hand resting on her chest in an “oh my” gesture.

SALESMAN Good morning, ma’am. I’m a door to door domestic policy salesman, and–

HOUSEWIFE: I’m sorry, we just can’t afford anything.

PANEL 2

The salesman, smiling in a friendly way, is holding his case out and open to display his wares. The housewife turns her head away, holding up one palm in a “no no no” gesture.

SALESMAN: But I’ve got universal health care. Very popular – lots of nations have it.

HOUSEWIFE: No no. We could never afford anything like that.

PANEL 3

Warming to his own sales pitch, the salesman is jubilantly holding a bunch of pamphlets, raising some of them towards the sky. The housewife looks very flustered.

SALESMAN: I’ve got policies for your kids that’ll save you money in the long run. Universal pre-K, lead removal…

HOUSEWIFE: Oh, gosh no. We couldn’t afford anything like that.

PANEL 4

The salesman, looking disappointed, has turned away and is looking at his pamphlets to see what else he can offer. Behind him, the housewife is smiling big with an excited expression, and holding two huge bags of money (we know it’s money because the bags are labeled ” $ “) to offer the salesman.

SALESMAN: Hmm… I’ve also got a big increase in policing and prisons. But it’s expen-”

HOUSEWIFE (very large font): WE’LL TAKER IT!

TINY “KICKER” PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE STRIP

A similar but different salesman (gray hair, brown fedora) is speaking to the same housewife, as he raises his hat in greeting. The housewife is eager, and her eye is drawn as a heart.

SALESMAN: Good morning, ma’am. I’m a door to door war salesman.

HOUSEWIFE: Just give me a sec to mortgage my house.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an obscure and outdated cartoonist expression for meaningless but hopefully entertaining details in a cartoon. This cartoon has two pieces of chicken fat:

Panel 1: A balding man is peering over a fence in the background.

Panel 3: On the lawn in the background, a rat, wearing pink cats-eye sunglasses, is sunbathing lying on a rat-sized outdoor chaise lounge.

Door to Door Policy Salesman | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, Economic cartoons, Health care, Right-wingers |

Transphobes Are The Real Victims

Cartoon by Barry

Once again, there’s a timelapse drawing video! Go watch me change my mind again… and again… and again!

Transphobes Are The Real Victims | Patreon

Posted in LGBT cartoons |

Conan vs Copyright

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was drawn by Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each of the panels shows Conan the Barbarian, a shirtless, muscular barbarian dude with long hair, in a desert. He is carrying an axe and a shield.

PANEL 1

Conan, mounted on his drake (drakes are a kind of dragon; this one has four limbs and no wings), is under attack. Arrows fly through the air at him, and a couple of arrows are stuck in the shield that Conan has raised defensively. The drake has a panicked expression as it speaks.

DRAKE: Conan, we’re surrounded! What will we do?

CONAN: We will kill or we will die.

VOICE FROM OFF PANEL: STOP!

PANEL 2

Conan, carrying his axe, has gotten off his drake and is walking towards a new character, a man wearing glasses and a modern suit and tie. The main is reading off a piece of paper he’s holding. We’ll just call this character “LAWYER,” since that’s what he is.

LAWYER: On behalf of Conan Properties International, this is a cease and desist letter. You do not have permission to create this comic strip.

CONAN: Wrong, fool! I’m public domain in this country!

PANEL 3

With a smug expression, the Lawyer holds up the piece of paper for Conan to read. Conan leans down to read it, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

LAWYER: Even if that’s so, we’ll still sue, and proving your case would take years and bankrupt you. That’s why we always win.

CONAN: Hmm…. I’ve got an idea.

PANEL 4

Conan is holding the lawyer’s decapitated head in one hand. Blood drips out of the bottom of the lawyer’s neck, and we can see his headless body lying on the ground in the background. In Conan’s other hand is a bloody axe, which Conan is dropping in surprise.

The lawyer speaks, an annoyed expression on his face. Conan reacts with shock and fear.

LAWYER: This really isn’t helping your case.

CONAN: By Crom! How are you STILL talking?

LAWYER: I’m a lawyer.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken Fat” is an old-fashioned cartoonist expression for what we might now call “Easter Eggs”: unimportant but hopefully amusing details the cartoonist sticks in.

In panel 1, one of the arrows that has landed on the ground appears to have a love letter wrapped around it.

In panel 2, the Drake is suddenly wearing a watch, which it checks impatiently.

In panel 4, the Drake is fearfully making a cross with its forefingers. Also, a vulture has shown up and is eyeing the corpse; the vulture is wearing a napkin tied around its neck.

Conan vs Copyright | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Swing Voters

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each of which shows a different scene with different characters. Each panel is marked with a caption at the top: Academic, Pundit, Regular Voters, and Swing Voters.

PANEL 1

CAPTION: ACADEMIC

A professorial type, in a vest and tie, is seating behind a desk. There’s a wooden bookcase in the background, and a couple of “in and out” style boxes on his desk piled with papers.

PROFESSOR: There are relatively few so-called “swing voters” – but they decide elections! In a sense, swing voters are the real rulers of the country!

PANEL 2

CAPTION: PUNDIT

We are looking at a flatscreen TV. On the TV, a well-dressed woman in a pale blue jacket over a red blouse is smiling and talking to us. The screen graphics (a channel 4 logo, a US flag design shaped like the US) make this look like some sort of news program.

PUNDIT: Winning elections is all about giving swing voters what they want! And by some coincidence, what swing voters want matches what I want! As my uber driver told me the other day…

PANEL 3

CAPTION: REGULAR VOTERS

We’re looking at two people standing in a park: There’s a woman wearing a floral pattern skirt, speaking to us and shrugging. And a man wearing a knit cap is standing, looking up from the newspaper he was reading to address us. Both of them look bewildered.

WOMAN: I don’t understand how anyone’s “undecided” at this point.

MAN: What are swing voters thinking?

PANEL 4

CAPTION: SWING VOTERS

Three people are standing in a row – perhaps waiting on line – on a city sidewalk. A sandwich sideboard sign – also known as an A-frame sign – stands in front of the sidewalk, with the word “VOTE” and a pointing arrow.

From left to right, the swing voters are: A blonde man with nice hair, grinning widely and pressing a hand to his chest in an “I’m so smart” gesture. A black-haired woman with glasses is talking back to the blonde man, with a critical expression on her face. And a balding man wearing a striped izod shirt is looking at a “voter’s guide” pamphlet with a worried expression.

BLONDE MAN: I’ve finally chosen! I’m voting for the one with shinier hair.

GLASSES WOMAN: That’s stupid! I vote based on the weather.

BALD MAN: Anyone know what country we live in?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-dead cartoonists’ expression for unimportant but hopefully amusing details stuck in by the artist.

PANEL 1: There are four books on the bookcase with legible spines. They are entitled “Unread Vol. 1,” “Unread Vol. 46,” “Dull Stuff,” and “Even Duller.” There’s some sort of mouse-like creature with big ears also hanging out on the bookcase. The two boxes on the professor’s desk are labeled “Actual Research” – that one has a small stack of papers – and “Papers To Grade,” with a ridiculously high stick of papers.

PANEL 2: The Chiron text at the bottom of the screen says “Reading Chyron Text Causes Cancer,” and then in smaller print underneath, “Don’t stop reading, kit’s too late for you anyhow.”

PANEL 3: I’m not sure this even counts as a chicken fat, but when I was drawing the stones lying on the grass on the bottom center of the panel, I was consciously arranging them to look like the top of Homer Simpson’s head and big staring eyes.

The newspaper the man is reading says “SPORTS” in big letters across the top. The top headline says “Fit People Wearing Numbers Move a Ball Around YAY.” A lower headline says “TRAGIC: Juggling Still Not Real Sport.”

PANEL 4: The sandwich board says “VOTE” in big letters, then in smaller letters under that it says “if you don’t vote the fascists may win! Is that really how you spell ‘fascists’? That’s a lot of S’s.”

The man with the Voter’s Guide is holding it upside down.

A newspaper lying on the sidewalk says “The Daily Background” on top. The headline says in large letters “DOG BITES MAN.” Then there are two side-by-side photos, showing a pleased looking doggy and a frightened running man. Below the photos is the subheading, which says “Headline Writer Is Very Bored.”

Swing Voters | Patreon

Posted in Elections |

The Conservative Guide To Fighting Poverty

Cartoon by Barry

Check out the video of this cartoon being drawn!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows a different character and a different scene.

PANEL ONE

A woman holds up her phone and is tapping on it with an intense expression. She’s sitting in a kitchen; an open laptop on the table shows two men talking to each other, a tie-wearing TV host type and his guess, who is wearing a style I think of as “expensive sloppy,” with a cream colored suit jacket over an open collar shirt with no tie. The woman doesn’t seem to be paying attention to the discussion coming from the laptop.

TV HOST: Our guest today is Billionaire Hedge Fund Manager Rick Datface, discussing his new book “The Conservative Guide To Fighting Poverty.” So is your book about improving safety nets? Raising the minimum wage?

DATFACE (from laptop): Heck no!

PANEL TWO

An man wearing a bright orange safety vest over a striped shirt is pushing a hand trolly down a city sidewalk. The trolly is piled with cardboard boxes of various shapes and sizes. He’s also wearing headphones over a knit hat, listening to the same program we saw in panel one.

DATFACE (from headphones): The minimum wage hurts poor people by killing jobs! Even if economists say there’s overwhelming proof it doesn’t! Every policy to help the poor hurts them, and if we care we should stop helping!

PANEL THREE

A close-up on a hand holding a smartphone; on the smartphone screen, Datface continues speaking. He’s holding up a finger in a “I’m making a point here!” gesture, and his expression is passionate. The video channel appears to be called “FUX.”

DATFACE (from smartphone): Even the so-called “incredibly effective” anti-child-poverty measures that weren’t renewed (thank god) definitely harmed poor kids in an unidentified way! Only trickle down works!

PANEL FOUR

A woman sits at a table, looking dejectedly at bills spread on the table in front of her. Behind her, there’s a dresser with a TV on top of it, and we can see Datface on it, holding his hands together in front of his chin and trying to look very innocent and wide-eyed.

TV HOST (from TV): So the only way to fight poverty is… Tax giveaways for billionaires?

DATFACE: And we hate taking the money! But we’ll make the sacrifice.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is a venerable (fancy word for old) cartoonist’s expression for meaningless but maybe amusing details in a comic strip.

PANEL 1: There’s a piece of paper held to the fridge door by a magnet. It says: “Shopping. 1. Food. 2. Water. 3. Oxygen. 4. Repeat.”

PANEL 2: There’s a walk/don’t walk in the background. The “don’t walk” side is a figure looking at its wristwatch, while the “walk” side shows the figure disco dancing.

Also, the street sign says we’re on “Unread Ave.”

And a piece of paper littering the sidewalk says “LOST my drive. If found…”

PANEL 3: The Chiron at the bottom of the image on the smartphone says “Shock: Cher Leads Invading Force From Mars.” And a second line says “Superstar says hostile invasion won’t affect tour schedule.”

The name of the video channel is “Fux,” which sounds a little like “Fox” and also a little like a dirty word! Wow, I just do the MOST sophisticated humor, don’t I?

PANEL 4: There are three bills on the table. They say “Overdue. Shame!,” “Past due you scum,” and “Pay up you dufus we’re not afraid to break some limbs.”

The Chiron text on the TV in the background is so tiny that I doubt anyone will be able to make it out unless they’re reading this cartoon in the books (because paper is higher res). But for the record, the top line says “Study: Background Gag Too Small To Be Read.” And the second line says, “”No comment,” says incompetent cartoonist.” (Ironically, when I first posted this cartoon I misspelled “incompetent.”)

Also, the woman has a tattoo of Groucho Marx on her arm.

The Conservative Guide To Fighting Poverty | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Economic cartoons |

New Solutions to the Trolley Car Problem!

Cartoon by Barry

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Right-wingers |

Honest Miranda Warnings

Cartoon by Barry

Timelapse video of me drawing this cartoon.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each panel showing a different scene. A caption under the cartoon says HONEST MIRANDA WARNINGS.

PANEL 1

On a litter-covered city sidewalk, a cop is pushing a prisoner. The prisoner, a young Black man wearing an orange t-shirt with a cartoon cat on it, has his hands handcuffed behind his back.

COP: You have the right to remain silent. I have the right to brutalize or kill you, and even if there’s a video I’ll probably get away with it.

PANEL 2

We are in a tiny windowless room, where the arrested guy from panel one is sitting at a table, opposite a balding man wearing a suit. The arrested guy listens with a blank, somewhat surprised expression while the suit-wearing man talks to him, one palm held open in a “let me explain this” gesture.

SUIT GUY: You have the right to be provided with an insanely overworked public defender like me. I won’t have time or resources to defend you as well as I’d like, and I’ll tell you to take a plea bargain even if you’re innocent.

PANEL 3

We’re in a prison visiting area, the kind with a sheet of glass between prisoners and visitors. The same young man is on the prisoner’s side of the glass. On the visiting side of the glass is a woman with her black hair in a bun, wearing a business jacket over a black blouse and blue pinstriped pants. She’s pointing at the prisoner, and grinning as she talks.

WOMAN: As your prosecutor I have the right to lie in court to withhold key evidence, and basically to do everything I can to destroy you while I remain totally unaccountable.

PANEL 4

We’re in a prison cell. There are two prisoners here, our main character, who is still looking stunned, and his cellmate, a bald man whose arm and neck are covered with tattoos. The cellmate is lying with his eyes closed on the lower bunk of a bunk bed, and speaking. The main character is sitting on a plastic chair.

CELLMATE: We’ve got the right to be beaten by other prisoners and by the guards. We’ve got the right to be charged $50 a day for this crap.

MAIN CHARACTER (thought): Sometimes I want fewer rights.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an outdated cartoonists’ expression for unimportant but hopefully amusing little gags and references in the art. Lots of chicken fat in this one, for some reason.

PANEL 1

On the main character’s t-shirt is a picture of Jiji, the cat from Kiki’s Delivery Service.

The cop’s tattoo shows a tic-tac-toe game in progress. “O” is a terrible player and “X” is guaranteed to win.

Graffiti on the wall behind them says “Barry was here.”

A newspaper page lying on the sidewalk says “Local News: Litter Bug Drops Paper.”

Other little scraps of paper say “Don’t read this” and “or this.”

There’s a single glove lying on the sidewalk. That’s not much of a gag, it’s just that I always see single gloves – or worse, single shoes! – lying on the ground and wonder how that came about.

PANEL 2

A sheet of paper the lawyer brought with him has the heading “Blah Blah” at the top.

The main character is wearing the same t-shirt, but the character on the shirt is now a different Studio Ghibli creature – a susuwatari from “My Neighbor Totoro.”

PANEL 3

A sign on the “visitors” side of the glass partition says “do not give prisoners cigarettes porn or hope.”

PANEL 4

Four books are stacked on a wall shelf. Their spines say “Snoopy” “Charlie” “Lucy” and “Linus.”

A poster on the wall behind the bunk bed shows an angry/determined looking superhero flying through the air in the classic Superman flying pose. The caption above the hero says “Super Hero Film Franchise.” The smaller caption below the hero says “The only kind of story anyone needs!”

A poster on a different wall shows Andy and Ellis from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption.” The large caption above them says “Please Don’t Move Poster.” The smaller lower caption says “There’s no hidden escape tunnel honest.” (The poster is obviously hiding a tunnel, we can see the sides of the tunnel where it’s wider than the poster.)

Honest Miranda Warnings | Patreon

Posted in Social Justice |

Gender Affirmation Isn’t Just For Trans People

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This single-panel cartoon shows two people, standing and talking directly to the viewer. There is a blonde woman with glasses and a nice layered haircut swept to one side; she’s wearing a blue jacket over a black blouse and a yellow skirt with tiny red dots, and wedge sandals. And there’s a redheaded man, rather muscular, with a red mustache, a striped izod shirt, and jeans. He’s holding a book and his arms are tattooed.

The two of them are surrounded by about twenty little captions with arrows pointing to specific details.

WOMAN: Why can’t trans people just accept their bodies as they are?

MAN: “Gender affirmation” is woke crap! Normal people don’t do that!

CAPTIONS POINTED AT WOMAN:

Used to be brunette

Botox

Not her original nose

Nair

Makeup

Plucked brows

Boob job

Liposuction

Pieced ears

Spironolactone (reduces hair)

Spanx

Shaved legs

Heels

CAPTIONS POINTED AT MAN:

Hair Transplant Surgery

Finasteride (pointed at hair)

Carefully tended stubble

Not his original chin

“Old Spice deodorant for men”

Gynecomastia surgery (male breast reduction)

Keys for giant truck with never used cargo bed

Testosterone injections

(Pointing at the book he’s carrying): “Super Testosterone” by Andrew Tate.

Calf Implants

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-dormant cartoonists’ term for unnecessary but hopefully amusing details in a cartoon.

In this case, we just have the man’s tattoos. They include a tattoo of a steaming mug of coffee; the mug has “unimportant details” printed on it. There’s also a happy striped snake, a hot dog, and Bender from the TV show Futurama.

On his other arm are tattoos of a teddy pig (like a teddy bear, but a pig) and Barry the cartoonist, both smiling and waving hi.

Gender Affirmation Isn’t Just For Trans People | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, LGBT cartoons |

The Absent Fatso

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has fourteen panels, so it’s kind of a long one.

PANEL 1

A drawing of Barry (the cartoonist) relaxing on a sofa, holding a tablet and talking directly at the readers with a friendly expression.

BARRY: Ever notice how lots of movies and TV shows tell fat jokes without showing fat people?

PANEL 2

A very fat woman with carefully-styled curly black curly hair is speaking, looking self-satisfied. Text identifies her as “Celesta Geyer, 1930s circus fat lady.”

CAPTION: In ye olden days, when folks wanted to laugh at fat people, they’d go to the circus. Today we’ve got reality TV for that.

CELESTA: “People laugh at me anyway, so I make them pay for the privilege.”

PANEL 3

Barry is talking to us, smiling and leaning an arm on the panel border.

BARRY: But some viewers find reality TV too vulgar. They want to laugh at fat jokes, but laughing directly at fat people feels too crude.

PANEL 4

Barry is looking at us and standing in front of a TV; he points a remote control at the TV as he speaks.

BARRY: So TV and movie writers have developed strategies for laughing at fat people without showing fat people.

PANEL 5

Big, friendly looking lettering takes up most of this panel; it says THE ABSENT FATSO. Barry leans over the top of the lettering, still talking to us.

BARRY: I call these strategies…

LETTERING: THE ABSENT FATSO

PANEL 6

A hand is holding a smartphone; on the smartphone is a picture of Homer Simpson eating a donut. Homer is speaking to us, continuing Barry’s dialog.

HOMER/BARRY: Strategies like… The Animated Fatso! Cartoon fatties are always safe to laugh at!

PANEL 7

A fat woman with her thick black hair tied back is standing at a kitchen counter, holding a large knife. She seems to be cutting a slice of bread off a fresh baked loaf. An open laptop lies on the counter nearby; dialog is coming out of the laptop, but it doesn’t have a word balloon, making it less like dialog and more like a background element.

CAPTION: Or The Off-Screen Fatso! Think of Howard’s Ma on “Big Bang Theory,” or Ugly Naked Guy on “Friends.”

LAPTOP: Ma doesn’t have a neck. Just chins and fat and feet.

PANEL 8

Two extremely happy looking fat women are cuddling a small baby. A laptop is on a countertop nearby, next to a feeding bottle. Small dialog is coming from the laptop, but no one’s paying it any attention.

CAPTION: Or the ex-fatso! This character supposedly used to be fat. But they’re played by a thin actor so fat jokes about them are okay. Like Will on “Will and Grace” or Monica on “Friends.”

LAPTOP: It’s a new band called “Will Is Fat.”

PANEL 9

This panel shows two versions of Barry, with a lightning-bolt-shaped graphic dividing them. On the left, actual Barry, in a t-shirt that says “flashback,” is talking to us and snapping his fingers. On the right, imaginary thin Barry is smiling as he talks to us; his t-shirt says “present.”

FAT BARRY: ( Annoyingly, the “ex-fatso” trope supports the myth that any fat person could simply choose to become and remain thin. )

THIN BARRY: So easy!

PANEL 10

A fat woman sits at a cafe table, with a coffee mug and book and muffin on the table. She’s got a drawing board propped up on the table, and is leaning forward as she draws, looking pleased with what she’s drawing. She has an undercut, many earrings and a nosering, and tattoos. She also has a cell phone propped up; dialog comes from the phone, but it’s small and she doesn’t seem to be paying it much attention.

PHONE: Thor, eat a salad!

PANEL 11

A fat man sits in an armchair, watching TV. He has a old cowboy movie style of dress, with an embroidered shirt and sideburns. His cat has jumped into his lap and is cautiously stepping onto his stomach to sniff at his nose; he smiles at the cat.

TV: Look at my titties, Austin Powers.

PANEL 12

We’re looking at a TV; a thermos is in front of the TV, and a sock is lying on top of the TV. On the TV, Barry is talking straight out at us, looking serious.

BARRY: If a real fat person played “Fat Bastard,” some (not all) viewers would have felt uncomfortable. That reminder that fat people are people could make things less fun.

PANEL 13

All the previous rows had three panels each; this row has two panels, so panels 13 and 14 are a bit larger than previous panels have been.

We are looking at the inside of a dim movie theater, looking at a section of the audience. There are about a dozen people in this panel, all fat, all watching the movie – except for Barry, seating in the middle of the group, who is talking to us, and the woman seated to his left, who has turned to face Barry.

BARRY: But even when Hollywood doesn’t show us, we’re still here. In the audience. Being sneered at by proxy. Can’t the studios just skip the fat jokes altogether? And also, hire more fat act–

WOMAN: Ssh!

PANEL 14

A well-lit, large office, with a large fancy-looking desk, and a big window overlooking a city. There are framed movie posters on the wall. An executive-looking man wearing a collared shirt and tie is sitting behind the desk, in a big leather-looking chair, and talking cheerfully into his phone. On his desk are a notebook (paper kind), an open laptop, a second phone, and a framed photo.

EXECUTIVE: Just a sec, gotta turn off some internet weirdo. So I got budget numbers on that fat suit comedy…

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-dead term for the little bits of unimportant but hopefully amusing things cartoonists stick in the backgrounds of their comics.

PANEL 1: There is a framed photo of Garnet, from the TV show “Steven Universe,” on the wall. On the sidetable is a magazine called “NO IDEAS MAGAZINE,” with a front cover photo of a stick figure man shrugging, and a coffee mug with “I’m actually a fork” printed on it.

PANEL 3: Barry’s tshirt says “allergic to sunshine.”

PANEL 4: Barry’s tshirt now has a picture of a very muscular arm flexing, above the large letters TOUGH GUY. If you zoom in, you can read the small letters, which make it say “not a TOUGH GUY you can easily take me down.”

PANEL 6: Homer’s t-shirt has a picture of Binky from “Life In Hell,” the comic strip Matt Groening did before he created The Simpsons.

PANEL 8: One woman’s arm has tattoos of two Steven Universe characters, Garnet and Pearl. The other woman has many visible tattoos, including a sort of demonic skeleton Micky Mouse, and a coffee mug saying “cofee = god.”

PANEL 10: The woman’s tattoos include a dancing banana and a ring of keys. The book on her table says, on the front cover, “A Book by an Author,” and on the spine it says “a Spine.”

PANEL 12: A book lying next to the TV has READ THIS written on the spine.

PANEL 13: In the audience, all the way at top left of the panel, is Uncle Iroh from “Avatar: The Last Airbender.”

PANEL 14: The movie posters on the wall are for the movies “MOVIE POSTER” and its sequel, “MOVIE POSTER 2.”

The Absent Fatso | Patreon

Posted in Fat Acceptance, Media criticism |

Who Would You Rather Meet In The Forest?

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has five panels, arranged as a four-panel strip, and then an “extra” panel below the bottom of the strip.

PANEL 1

We’re in the break room in an office building. There’s a poster on the wall, a counter, a coffee maker. There are two people who both look to be in their 20s or early 30s, both wearing office-appropriate clothing. There’s a woman with pink hair, wearing a white blouse and a dark gray suit, and a man wearing a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a dark gray tie. Both are holding coffee mugs.

There’s a bottle of honey on the windowsill.

The man is asking a question, just making small talk; the woman is looking a little surprised by his question.

MAN: So if you were alone in a forest, would you rather run into a strange man… or a bear?

PANEL 2

The woman, looking a little pensive, speaks. The man replies to her with an angry expression and body language.

In the window behind them, unnoticed by either of them, a large brown bear is stealing the jar of honey, and watching the humans with a slightly surprised expression.

WOMAN: Oh, hmm… I think, the bear.

MAN: How can you SAY that?

PANEL 3

The man is now full on yelling, waving his coffee mug. The woman winces back, holding her hands protectively over her chest. In the window, the bear looks frightened, and ducks away.

MAN: You’re demonizing men! It’s MISANDRY!!

PANEL 4

The women walks away, her back to the man, an irritated expression on her face. The man doesn’t seem to catch that she’s being sarcastic; he’s smiling and calm, happy to have (in his mind) won the argument. The bear, and the honey pot, are both gone.

WOMAN: Good point. Why would I ever fear men’s reactions?

MAN: Exactly!

MAN: …where did the honey go?

EXTRA PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE STRIP

The bear and the woman are talking. The woman holds out her coffee mug for the bear to put some honey in.

WOMAN: At least if you maul me, people won’t say I made it up or I’m misinterpreting.

BEAR: I hear you.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-dead cartoonists term for unimportant but hopefully amusing details.

PANEL 1: A workplace-motivation style poster on the wall shows a cartoon raccoon wearing a striped shirt like a cartoon criminal. It’s holding a coffee mug in one hand, giving us a thumbs up with the other, and winking. The caption on the poster says “Long coffee breaks rob the company.”

The man’s coffee mug has “Nice Guy” printed on it.

PANEL 2: The motivational poster has changed It now shows The White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland glaring at us and pointing to his oversized pocket watch. A large caption at the top says “WORK!” and a subcaption at the bottom says “don’t waste time reading posters.”

PANEL 3: In the first two panels, the man was holding a spoon in one hand (to stir his coffee). In this panel, we can see that in his anger he bends the spoon in his hand.

Who Would You Rather Meet In The Forest? | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Sexism & Misogyny |

Free Speech on Campus

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has three panels. The first two panels are normal-sized, while the third panel is gigantic.

PANEL ONE

A man and a woman are walking together, the woman speaking. Neither of them are students, judging from their age and their professional dress.

The man has white-blonde hair and glasses, and is wearing a blue shirt with a black tie. He looks worried. The woman has a red blouse and a black skirt, and has her hair pulled up into a bun. She is holding up a finger in a “this is my point” gesture, and is calm but a bit fervent.

For this and the next panel, the background is blank.

WOMAN: Students have a right to speak their minds without fear of being shamed or shunned. free speech on campus is in danger of being wiped out!

PANEL TWO

The two continue walking. The woman, waving her arms a bit as she gets passionate and a bit angry, continues speaking.

WOMAN: At some schools, students protested and heckled speakers! We must protect free speech from woke student totalitarians!

PANEL THREE

The man and women have come to a stop, and are looking at a protest. The man, looking concerned, speaks to the woman. The woman looks over the protest with a pleased expression, her arms folded.

The main focus in this panel is the protest – and even more, the cops in full riot gear attacking the protest. A huge line of cops in formation are marching towards the protest. Cops are leading away handcuffed protesters; one protester is being held on the ground and beaten. The protesters who aren’t being arrested look terrified. Protest signs lie on the ground.

MAN: So is this a threat to free speech?

WOMAN: No, this is fine.

Free Speech on Campus | Patreon

Posted in Imperialism & War, Social Justice |

Deux Ex Machina, Suckers!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is another collaboration with awesome cartoonist Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels. All of the panels take place in a blue sky with fluffy white clouds.

PANEL 1

A human man, with a beard and a flannel shirt, is standing on a cloud, looking up at God, who is on another, higher cloud. (And is also much larger physically than the human guy). God is drawn in the traditional way: He has a thick white beard and is wearing white robes, and there’s a halo behind His head.

God is grinning and spreading His hands wide in a welcoming manner.

GOD: Hi there, I’m God! Good news! Because I’m so infinitely loving, good and merciful, you get to go to Heaven!

MAN: Okay!

PANEL 2

A close up of God, who as Nadine draws Him has very pretty eyes. He is smiling and pressing his palms together and looking in the direction of the off-panel human.

GOD: But if you don’t love me, I’ll throw you into a lake of burning sulfur where you’ll be tormented day and night forever!

PANEL 3

God smiles down beatifically at the human, who has raised a finger to make a point.

MAN: But… That’s horrible! And it doesn’t make sense! A good god wouldn’t torture people forever!

PANEL 4

A close up of God, with a wailing expression, as He presses the back of His hand to His forehead. He is dissolving into ash, and has already disappeared from the upper chest down.

GOD: Gasp! By pointing out a paradox you’ve defeated me! Now I must turn into ash and die like in that Marvel movie!

PANEL 5

Nothing is left of God but a pyramid-shaped pile of black ash (the ash pile has a halo behind it). In the foreground, the human has mildly surprised body language, and is rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

MAN: Um…

PANEL 6

God, a merry expression on his face, has reappeared whole on His cloud. He’s crouching down and pointing at the human. Lightning shoots out of God’s finger, engulfing the human and instantly turning the human into a black, charred, and surprised looking skeleton.

GOD: I’m kidding! Have fun suffering in the abyss forever, loser! Hah hah!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is an obsolete cartoonists’ expression for unimportant but entertaining details the cartoonist slips into the cartoon.

In this cartoon, in panel one, on the lower left, we can see a little dog sniffing at the cloud it’s standing on. The dog is wearing white robs and has a halo and white feathery wings.

We can’t see the cloud the dog is standing on again until panel five. In this panel, the dog is gone, but there’s a yellow puddle on the cloud where the dog was.

Deus Ex Machina, Suckers! | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations |