Beware God’s Sock Puppets

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Kevin Moore.

Inspired by the Bible (2 Kings 2, specifically):

He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A smirking teenager sits at a table, typing on a laptop. A caption lets us see what’s on the laptop screen.

YouWho: God is loving and merciful.

FRIEDFRED: shut up baldy lol

PANEL 2

The teen jumps in fright as a huge bear breaks through the window in the background. We can see a second bear behind the first bear.

BEAR: RAWR

TEEN: Eep!

PANEL 3

Punching and stomping, the two bears beat the crap out of the teenager.

TEENAGER: Aaah! Aaaah! Help me! Oh God! Why?!

PANEL 4

In a coffee shop, a giant man, wearing sandals and a purple robe, sits at a table typing on a laptop. The giant man, who is God, is bald on top, with long gray hair and a long gray beard. He’s grinning sadistically. The table and laptop look tiny next to him.

GOD: LOL AT ME, WILL HE?

CAPTION AT THE BOTTOM

BEWARE GOD’S SOCK PUPPETS

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is what we called fun little details before the world starting calling them “Easter eggs.”

PANEL 1: A poster in the background shows two football players crashing helmets together, with the caption “Football: Get Some Brain Damage!” The bag of chips is called “Zit-O’s.” A sticker on the laptop says “Fall Out Boy,” which (Kevin informs me) is an actual emo band.

PANEL 2: The cat, which had been napping on the windowsill, leaps high into the air with a hilarious expression of terror. The laptop sticker now says “All Time Low” (another emo band), while the chips are now named “Uh-O’s.” The poster has changed to show a superhero with huge muscles and the caption “He’s So Super!”

PANEL 3: The cat, now calm, is taking a video of the fight.

PANEL 4: God’s laptop says “YHWH Or The Highway” on the back. The menu in the background lists “sex toys” as an option.

Beware God’s Sock Puppets | Patreon

Posted in Kevin Moore collaborations, Religion and Atheism |

God Bless

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels, all taking place at the counter of a computer repair shop. There are two characters, a youthful customer wearing a red t-shirt, and a middle-aged man behind the counter, wearing a blue front-button shirt with a nametag.

PANEL 1

The clerk is smiling as he talks to the customer.

CLERK: We’ll try to have your computer fixed by Tuesday.

CUSTOMER: Thanks.

CLERK: God bless you.

PANEL 2

The customer looks like he’s internally debating something.

PANEL 3

The customer crosses his arms and looks grumpy.

CUSTOMER: I really hate it when people turn a business transaction into a religious one.

PANEL 4

The customer is getting more irate.

CUSTOMER: “God bless you?” What does that even mean? Which god? Why would he she or it want to “bless” me? Do you really think God’s plan for me changes based on you blessing me?

PANEL 5

The customer leans into the clerk’s face and pokes him in the chest; the clerk, taken aback, leans back.

CUSTOMER: Religious people should stop pushing your beliefs in my face! Can I get that blessing?

The right panel border is a thought balloon, leading to the customer character in panel six, indicating that the customer has been imagining this.

PANEL 6

The customer walks away, smiling and waving goodbye. The clerk watches him leave, smiling benevolently.

CUSTOMER: Have a nice day.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an obscure bit of cartoonists’ jargon for unimportant details that we put in for fun.

PANEL 1 – A poster on the wall shows an anime girl holding a video game controller, under the caption “Anime and Video Games.” A smaller caption at the bottom says “You only don’t like them because you’re old.”

An adorable kitten on the counter is swiping at a computer mouse.

The customer has a tattoo of Snoopy on his right bicep.

PANEL 2 – The customer’s tattoo now shows Scooby Doo.

PANEL 3 – The customer’s tattoo shows Odie, the dog from “Garfield.”

PANEL 6 – The customer’s tattoo shows Jake, the dog from “Adventure Time.”

The poster on the wall has changed and now shows a sad looking clerk yelled at by unseen customers. The caption says “Be kind to clerks,” and a smaller caption at the bottom says “we once had dreams.”

A panel in the computer mouse is open, and a real mouse is standing next to the computer mouse, shaking a finger at the kitten and chewing the kitten out. The kitten looks very surprised.

God Bless! | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Religion and Atheism |

Deux Ex Machina, Suckers!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is another collaboration with awesome cartoonist Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels. All of the panels take place in a blue sky with fluffy white clouds.

PANEL 1

A human man, with a beard and a flannel shirt, is standing on a cloud, looking up at God, who is on another, higher cloud. (And is also much larger physically than the human guy). God is drawn in the traditional way: He has a thick white beard and is wearing white robes, and there’s a halo behind His head.

God is grinning and spreading His hands wide in a welcoming manner.

GOD: Hi there, I’m God! Good news! Because I’m so infinitely loving, good and merciful, you get to go to Heaven!

MAN: Okay!

PANEL 2

A close up of God, who as Nadine draws Him has very pretty eyes. He is smiling and pressing his palms together and looking in the direction of the off-panel human.

GOD: But if you don’t love me, I’ll throw you into a lake of burning sulfur where you’ll be tormented day and night forever!

PANEL 3

God smiles down beatifically at the human, who has raised a finger to make a point.

MAN: But… That’s horrible! And it doesn’t make sense! A good god wouldn’t torture people forever!

PANEL 4

A close up of God, with a wailing expression, as He presses the back of His hand to His forehead. He is dissolving into ash, and has already disappeared from the upper chest down.

GOD: Gasp! By pointing out a paradox you’ve defeated me! Now I must turn into ash and die like in that Marvel movie!

PANEL 5

Nothing is left of God but a pyramid-shaped pile of black ash (the ash pile has a halo behind it). In the foreground, the human has mildly surprised body language, and is rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

MAN: Um…

PANEL 6

God, a merry expression on his face, has reappeared whole on His cloud. He’s crouching down and pointing at the human. Lightning shoots out of God’s finger, engulfing the human and instantly turning the human into a black, charred, and surprised looking skeleton.

GOD: I’m kidding! Have fun suffering in the abyss forever, loser! Hah hah!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is an obsolete cartoonists’ expression for unimportant but entertaining details the cartoonist slips into the cartoon.

In this cartoon, in panel one, on the lower left, we can see a little dog sniffing at the cloud it’s standing on. The dog is wearing white robs and has a halo and white feathery wings.

We can’t see the cloud the dog is standing on again until panel five. In this panel, the dog is gone, but there’s a yellow puddle on the cloud where the dog was.

Deus Ex Machina, Suckers! | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Religion and Atheism |

With God On Their Side / My God

Cartoon by Barry

Posted in Barry's favorites, Imperialism & War, LGBT cartoons, Religion and Atheism, Sexism & Misogyny |