What Freedom Looks Like

Cartoon by Barry

Another collab between me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, all showing the same two people talking in a park.

PANEL 1

A bearded man wearing a red MAGA cap is talking to a earnest young woman. The MAGA man is angry, waving his hands in the air.

WOMAN: If guns are legal at all, they need to be regulated.

MAGA: GUN REGULATION IS AUTHORITARIAN!

PANEL 2

An older man with a cane is handing out fliers; the same MAGA guy, furious, slaps a flier to the ground.

CANE MAN: We’re holding a rally for universal health care.

MAGA: UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE IS FASCISM.

PANEL 3

A nonbinary person wearing a pinback that says “THEY / THEM” is a bit bewildered as the MAGA guy points at the pinback, hiding his face like he’s frightened.

MAGA: PREFERRED PRONOUNS ARE TOTALITARIAN!

PANEL 4

All three of the characters from the previous panels, looking panicked, are yelling in unison. The MAGA guy calmly laughs it off.

THREE CHARACTERS: MASKED GOVERNMENT AGENTS ARE DISAPPEARING PEOPLE!

MAGA: That’s what freedom looks like.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken Fat” is a long-dormant cartoonists’ term for unimportant but perhaps amusing details.

Panel 1 – In the background, a pigeon paints an owl’s portrait.

Panel 2 – The pigeon, painting tucked under one wing, runs away from a cat. The MAGA cap now says “Make ‘Merica Mate Mermen.” The flier the MAGA guy slapped says “Reading this tiny print makes you special & smart!”

Panel 3 – The pigeon has stopped to show the painting to the cat, who is surprised and impressed. The MAGA cap says “Make America Grout Again.”

Panel 4 – The cat poses as the pigeon paints its portrait. In the tree above, the owl sits next to where it’s hung the pigeon’s painting of the owl. The MAGA cap says “Erica’s A Hen.”

What Freedom Looks Like | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

God Bless

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels, all taking place at the counter of a computer repair shop. There are two characters, a youthful customer wearing a red t-shirt, and a middle-aged man behind the counter, wearing a blue front-button shirt with a nametag.

PANEL 1

The clerk is smiling as he talks to the customer.

CLERK: We’ll try to have your computer fixed by Tuesday.

CUSTOMER: Thanks.

CLERK: God bless you.

PANEL 2

The customer looks like he’s internally debating something.

PANEL 3

The customer crosses his arms and looks grumpy.

CUSTOMER: I really hate it when people turn a business transaction into a religious one.

PANEL 4

The customer is getting more irate.

CUSTOMER: “God bless you?” What does that even mean? Which god? Why would he she or it want to “bless” me? Do you really think God’s plan for me changes based on you blessing me?

PANEL 5

The customer leans into the clerk’s face and pokes him in the chest; the clerk, taken aback, leans back.

CUSTOMER: Religious people should stop pushing your beliefs in my face! Can I get that blessing?

The right panel border is a thought balloon, leading to the customer character in panel six, indicating that the customer has been imagining this.

PANEL 6

The customer walks away, smiling and waving goodbye. The clerk watches him leave, smiling benevolently.

CUSTOMER: Have a nice day.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an obscure bit of cartoonists’ jargon for unimportant details that we put in for fun.

PANEL 1 – A poster on the wall shows an anime girl holding a video game controller, under the caption “Anime and Video Games.” A smaller caption at the bottom says “You only don’t like them because you’re old.”

An adorable kitten on the counter is swiping at a computer mouse.

The customer has a tattoo of Snoopy on his right bicep.

PANEL 2 – The customer’s tattoo now shows Scooby Doo.

PANEL 3 – The customer’s tattoo shows Odie, the dog from “Garfield.”

PANEL 6 – The customer’s tattoo shows Jake, the dog from “Adventure Time.”

The poster on the wall has changed and now shows a sad looking clerk yelled at by unseen customers. The caption says “Be kind to clerks,” and a smaller caption at the bottom says “we once had dreams.”

A panel in the computer mouse is open, and a real mouse is standing next to the computer mouse, shaking a finger at the kitten and chewing the kitten out. The kitten looks very surprised.

God Bless! | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Religion and Atheism |

AI is coming and will change EVERYTHING!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was drawn by Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each showing a difference scene.

PANEL 1

A large caption at the top of the panel says “PITCH.”

The image shows a woman speed-walking while walking her dog. In the background, a homeless man sits against a wall reading a newspaper. The woman is wearing headphones, and a speech balloon points to the headphones.

HEADPHONES: Artificial Intelligence is almost here – and it’s gonna rock your world!

PANEL 2

A woman sits at a table scattered with board game pieces and reads a manual. In the background, a TV is on, and a slick-looking blonde man wearing a suit and tie is grinning and lifting his arms high in excitement.

MAN ON TV: Get ready! Your personal A.I. will do everything for you! Tax returns! Therapy! Pet care! Foot massages!

PANEL 3

Inside someone’s apartment. There’s no human in sight, but there is a dog and a cat. On the sofa is an open laptop, and on the laptop’s screen a blonde pitchwoman is grinning. The dog sits watching the laptop, tail wagging.

PITCHWOMAN: With Artificial Intelligence, no one will ever be sad or lonely again! A.I. is life!

PANEL 4

A large caption at the top of this panel says “REALITY.”

A young guy sits with his feet up on the sofa and his cat beside him. He’s reading his smartphone. A caption shows us what’s on his smartphone.

SMARTPHONE: A.I. powered toenail clippers $179.00

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is cartoonist slang for unnecessary (but hopefully amusing) details slipped into the cartoon. (You can stop reading now if you’re not interested.)

PANEL 1

The homeless man also has a dog, a cute little dog with a big white mustache – probably a schnauzer? The dog has a weary expression as it watches the bigger dog walking past.

The big dog walking past looks kind of snooty, and is wearing sunglasses.

There’s graffiti on the wall behind the homeless man. The graffiti says, respectively: “Steve.” “Sondheim.” “Lovett + Todd 4ever.” “Nice is different than good.” and “Withers wither with her.” Those are all references to the musicals of Stephen Sondheim. There’s also “BG,” which stands for “background.”

The homeless man’s newspaper is called “Background Tribune.” The headline says “Capybara to Rule World.” The sub headline says “‘It’s time for the grown-ups to take charge’ says adorable rodent.”

PANEL 2

The thick book the woman is reading is entitled “The Overly Complex Board Game Directions (vol 3 of 12)”. Parts scattered on the table include tokens, chips, six-sided dice, a twenty-sided die, a rook (the chess piece), an hourglass timer, playing cards, and a rubric’s cube.

On the TV, a chyron at the bottom of the screen says “Man loses sight from reading tiny print.”

PANEL 3

Apparently the pets have wrecked this apartment – the wallpaper is torn, the cat has done serious damage to the leg of the sofa, and there’s a urine puddle near the dog. The cat is sitting on the windowsill staring at a small bird on the other side of the window, who is sticking its tongue out at the cat and doing the thumbs-on-ears gesture that accompanies the tongue, as well as it can manage since it has wings.

PANEL 4

The cat is sitting like a human on its butt, back leaning against a cushion, with a bowl of food lying on its tummy. (I love this cat! 100% made up by Nadine.)

A magazine on the coffee table is entitled “Rich Pretty People.” The magazine shows a beautiful woman in a fancy gown with dollar bills falling down around her. The caption at the bottom of the cover says “They’re just like you but much better!”

The newspaper on the coffee table is entitled “End of Comic,” and the headline says “Goodbye!”

A.I. is COMING and will change EVERYTHING! | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Objective Journalism is Coming! Objective Journalism is Coming!

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All four panels show a Massachusetts street in 1775.

PANEL 1

This panel shows Paul Revere riding a galloping horse down a street, yelling “The British Are Coming!” (Revere yells this, not the horse). He’s riding hard, and mice are scattering to avoid being run over.

REVERE: The British are coming!

PANEL 2

Revere, sweating from his hard ride, has dismounted and come to a halt, and is talking to a JOURNALIST. The journalist is dressed in a period suit and leaning against the side of a building, but he also has a piece of paper saying “press” sticking out of his hat. He’s looking at his smart phone.

REVERE: A journalist? Perfect! The British army is coming by way of the Charles River!

JOURNALIST: I can’t report that. You’re a revolutionary. What you say isn’t objective.

PANEL 3

The journalist has put his arm around Revere’s shoulders and is grinning as he holds out his phone to take a selfie. Revere looks very annoyed, arms crossed, face facing the camera but eyes glaring at the journalist.

REVERE: But what I’m saying is TRUTH! The British are attacking!

JOURNALIST: You’re in the group they’re attacking. That makes you too biased to quote.

PANEL 4

Revere raises his hands in a frustrated gesture. The journalist, smiling, points at Revere.

REVERE: No one even knows about this but us and them! Will you not report this at all?

JOURNALIST: No, I’ll report whatever the British say. People in power are never biased.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a ye olden days cartoonists’ expression for little details in a cartoon that don’t matter but might be amusing.

PANEL 1: A man in a nightshirt is leaning out of a background window waving to Revere.

There are mice scattering from the road to avoid being trampled. The mice are Izzy (from The Simpsons), the Brain (from Animaniacs, Minnie Mouse, and Jerry (from Tom and Jerry).

PANEL 2: The journalist is scrolling on a smart phone.

Garfield and Odie, from the Garfield comic strip, are in the background – Garfield is sitting on a fence reading a newspaper (Ye Olden Times Background Times”) and Odie is peeking out through a window.

The back page of the newspaper has a huge headline saying “Ben Franklin and Beyonce Sex Scandal,” and smaller text (so distorted by the angle that it’s basically impossible to read) says: “Even ignoring chronology problems, she is just way out of his league,” says puzzled historian.”

The front page of the newspaper has three stories. The first headline says “Hamilton Not Yet Famous,” and the story says: “Just you wait until Broadway exists,” says unknown nerd. The second headline says “New Tea Party In N Jersey,” and the story says “nobody notices or cares.” The third headline says “Political Cartoons Relevant & Popular,” and the story says: “And that’s something that will never change,” say confident cartoonists.

PANEL 3

The journalist is taking a selfie, and the horse, grinning, is positioning herself to be included in the selfie.

PANEL 4

The horse is holding the journalist’s hat in her mouth.

In the background, two sleek cats can be seen in a window; one of them is licking the window with apparent enjoyment.

Objective Journalism Is Coming! Objective Journalism is Coming! | Patreon

Posted in Media criticism, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Conan vs Copyright

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was drawn by Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each of the panels shows Conan the Barbarian, a shirtless, muscular barbarian dude with long hair, in a desert. He is carrying an axe and a shield.

PANEL 1

Conan, mounted on his drake (drakes are a kind of dragon; this one has four limbs and no wings), is under attack. Arrows fly through the air at him, and a couple of arrows are stuck in the shield that Conan has raised defensively. The drake has a panicked expression as it speaks.

DRAKE: Conan, we’re surrounded! What will we do?

CONAN: We will kill or we will die.

VOICE FROM OFF PANEL: STOP!

PANEL 2

Conan, carrying his axe, has gotten off his drake and is walking towards a new character, a man wearing glasses and a modern suit and tie. The main is reading off a piece of paper he’s holding. We’ll just call this character “LAWYER,” since that’s what he is.

LAWYER: On behalf of Conan Properties International, this is a cease and desist letter. You do not have permission to create this comic strip.

CONAN: Wrong, fool! I’m public domain in this country!

PANEL 3

With a smug expression, the Lawyer holds up the piece of paper for Conan to read. Conan leans down to read it, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

LAWYER: Even if that’s so, we’ll still sue, and proving your case would take years and bankrupt you. That’s why we always win.

CONAN: Hmm…. I’ve got an idea.

PANEL 4

Conan is holding the lawyer’s decapitated head in one hand. Blood drips out of the bottom of the lawyer’s neck, and we can see his headless body lying on the ground in the background. In Conan’s other hand is a bloody axe, which Conan is dropping in surprise.

The lawyer speaks, an annoyed expression on his face. Conan reacts with shock and fear.

LAWYER: This really isn’t helping your case.

CONAN: By Crom! How are you STILL talking?

LAWYER: I’m a lawyer.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken Fat” is an old-fashioned cartoonist expression for what we might now call “Easter Eggs”: unimportant but hopefully amusing details the cartoonist sticks in.

In panel 1, one of the arrows that has landed on the ground appears to have a love letter wrapped around it.

In panel 2, the Drake is suddenly wearing a watch, which it checks impatiently.

In panel 4, the Drake is fearfully making a cross with its forefingers. Also, a vulture has shown up and is eyeing the corpse; the vulture is wearing a napkin tied around its neck.

Conan vs Copyright | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Who Would You Rather Meet In The Forest?

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has five panels, arranged as a four-panel strip, and then an “extra” panel below the bottom of the strip.

PANEL 1

We’re in the break room in an office building. There’s a poster on the wall, a counter, a coffee maker. There are two people who both look to be in their 20s or early 30s, both wearing office-appropriate clothing. There’s a woman with pink hair, wearing a white blouse and a dark gray suit, and a man wearing a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a dark gray tie. Both are holding coffee mugs.

There’s a bottle of honey on the windowsill.

The man is asking a question, just making small talk; the woman is looking a little surprised by his question.

MAN: So if you were alone in a forest, would you rather run into a strange man… or a bear?

PANEL 2

The woman, looking a little pensive, speaks. The man replies to her with an angry expression and body language.

In the window behind them, unnoticed by either of them, a large brown bear is stealing the jar of honey, and watching the humans with a slightly surprised expression.

WOMAN: Oh, hmm… I think, the bear.

MAN: How can you SAY that?

PANEL 3

The man is now full on yelling, waving his coffee mug. The woman winces back, holding her hands protectively over her chest. In the window, the bear looks frightened, and ducks away.

MAN: You’re demonizing men! It’s MISANDRY!!

PANEL 4

The women walks away, her back to the man, an irritated expression on her face. The man doesn’t seem to catch that she’s being sarcastic; he’s smiling and calm, happy to have (in his mind) won the argument. The bear, and the honey pot, are both gone.

WOMAN: Good point. Why would I ever fear men’s reactions?

MAN: Exactly!

MAN: …where did the honey go?

EXTRA PANEL BELOW THE BOTTOM OF THE STRIP

The bear and the woman are talking. The woman holds out her coffee mug for the bear to put some honey in.

WOMAN: At least if you maul me, people won’t say I made it up or I’m misinterpreting.

BEAR: I hear you.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-dead cartoonists term for unimportant but hopefully amusing details.

PANEL 1: A workplace-motivation style poster on the wall shows a cartoon raccoon wearing a striped shirt like a cartoon criminal. It’s holding a coffee mug in one hand, giving us a thumbs up with the other, and winking. The caption on the poster says “Long coffee breaks rob the company.”

The man’s coffee mug has “Nice Guy” printed on it.

PANEL 2: The motivational poster has changed It now shows The White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland glaring at us and pointing to his oversized pocket watch. A large caption at the top says “WORK!” and a subcaption at the bottom says “don’t waste time reading posters.”

PANEL 3: In the first two panels, the man was holding a spoon in one hand (to stir his coffee). In this panel, we can see that in his anger he bends the spoon in his hand.

Who Would You Rather Meet In The Forest? | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Sexism & Misogyny |

Deux Ex Machina, Suckers!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is another collaboration with awesome cartoonist Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels. All of the panels take place in a blue sky with fluffy white clouds.

PANEL 1

A human man, with a beard and a flannel shirt, is standing on a cloud, looking up at God, who is on another, higher cloud. (And is also much larger physically than the human guy). God is drawn in the traditional way: He has a thick white beard and is wearing white robes, and there’s a halo behind His head.

God is grinning and spreading His hands wide in a welcoming manner.

GOD: Hi there, I’m God! Good news! Because I’m so infinitely loving, good and merciful, you get to go to Heaven!

MAN: Okay!

PANEL 2

A close up of God, who as Nadine draws Him has very pretty eyes. He is smiling and pressing his palms together and looking in the direction of the off-panel human.

GOD: But if you don’t love me, I’ll throw you into a lake of burning sulfur where you’ll be tormented day and night forever!

PANEL 3

God smiles down beatifically at the human, who has raised a finger to make a point.

MAN: But… That’s horrible! And it doesn’t make sense! A good god wouldn’t torture people forever!

PANEL 4

A close up of God, with a wailing expression, as He presses the back of His hand to His forehead. He is dissolving into ash, and has already disappeared from the upper chest down.

GOD: Gasp! By pointing out a paradox you’ve defeated me! Now I must turn into ash and die like in that Marvel movie!

PANEL 5

Nothing is left of God but a pyramid-shaped pile of black ash (the ash pile has a halo behind it). In the foreground, the human has mildly surprised body language, and is rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

MAN: Um…

PANEL 6

God, a merry expression on his face, has reappeared whole on His cloud. He’s crouching down and pointing at the human. Lightning shoots out of God’s finger, engulfing the human and instantly turning the human into a black, charred, and surprised looking skeleton.

GOD: I’m kidding! Have fun suffering in the abyss forever, loser! Hah hah!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is an obsolete cartoonists’ expression for unimportant but entertaining details the cartoonist slips into the cartoon.

In this cartoon, in panel one, on the lower left, we can see a little dog sniffing at the cloud it’s standing on. The dog is wearing white robs and has a halo and white feathery wings.

We can’t see the cloud the dog is standing on again until panel five. In this panel, the dog is gone, but there’s a yellow puddle on the cloud where the dog was.

Deus Ex Machina, Suckers! | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Religion and Atheism |

The Measure of Intelligence

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A man wearing a brown jacket over jeans and a v-neck t-shirt is sitting on a park bench, staring at something in his hands with great concentration. Let’s call him JACKET.

A red-headed man in a red smiley face t-shirt is on the path in front of the bench, looking at the first man with a dubious expression. Let’s call him REDHEAD.

REDHEAD: Er… Excuse me. What are you doing?

JACKET: A lot of my genius ideas get lost when I lose focus.

PANEL 2

A close-up on Jacket shows that his hands are filled with a stick, lumpy, gooey, dripping mess of green-gray ooze. He continues to stare at it with great concentration.

JACKET: So I invented “the idea net” by smooshing rubber cement, peanut butter, and used chewing gum. This way I’ll catch ideas before they escape.

PANEL 3

Redhead is responding, with a rather grumpy expression. Jacket doesn’t even glance at Redhead, continuing to study the mess in his hands.

REDHEAD: That’s gotta be the stupidest idea I’ve ever–

JACKET: I’m a billionaire.

PANEL 4

The scene has changed to an apartment. Redhead is seated on a sofa, mixing up some sticky goo in his hands. On the coffee table in front of him we can see an open peanut butter jar, an open bottle of rubber cement, and a bunch of little crumpled pieces of paper (presumably gum wrappers). He is staring at the mess in his hands and smiling.

Behind him, a blonde woman is watching what’s he’s doing with a very doubtful expression on her face.

REDHEAD: I know it looks stupid, but he’s a billionaire! His ideas must be good!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is an old cartoonists’ expression for meaningless but fun details in a cartoon.

In panel one, hidden from the humans by a bush, a squirrel in a slouch hat and trenchcoat is standing next to a magpie with a bag of nuts. The magpie and the squirrel have their backs to each other and are studious ignoring each other.

In panel three, we can see that the squirrel and magpie are looking at each other. The squirrel has opened his trenchcoat to reveal a small bag labeled “catnip.” The magpie is holding out the bag of nuts to the squirrel.

In panel four, in the background, there is an open window. The magpie has landed on the windowsill, holding the bag of catnip. Below the windowsill, a gray housecat is making the “shh” gesture with one paw, and with the other paw is offering the magpie a shiny necklace.

Also in panel four, there are a couple of framed pictures on the wall. One of them is of the blonde woman; the other one is of the cat.

The Measure of Intelligence | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

“Sex Is Real” Is A Euphemism

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Nadine Scholtes .

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A man in a blue turtleneck, wearing a name tag, sits behind a desk marked “customer service,” hand on forehead, looking like he’s very annoyed. Also behind the customer service desk, a woman who looks like a manager – silver hair, blouse and jacket – is leaning over his shoulder and haranguing him. I’m going to name the woman “Manager.”

MANAGER: Can you just confirm that you’ve got a vagina? Just say it! Say “I have lady bits.” Say it!

PANEL 2

We’re now in a warehouse or back storage area, with many large boxes on industrial shelving. She is talking, with a condescending attitude, to a worker wearing a hardhat and yellow vest, who is carrying a couple of boxes stacked. The employee looks like they really, really wish they were anywhere else.

MANAGER: “Non-Binary?” Ha! No such thing! Thinking you’re non-binary means you’re insane!

PANEL 3

We’re in what looks like a backroom employee break area – water cooler, cheap folding chair at a table. The manager stands between a tall woman and the women’s room door, deliberately blocking the way. The woman being blocked has a restrained anger expression and her arms folded.

MANAGER: So-called “transwomen” only want access to women’s bathrooms to commit rape!

PANEL 4

Manager is standing gently crying, holding a handkerchief to one eye (no tears are actually visible). A hand comes in from out-of-panel, holding a professional-looking microphone – i.e., the manager is being interviewed for a news show. A logo in the lower right corner says “4,” so presumably this is on channel 4.

REPORTER: So you were fired for saying “sex is real”?

MANAGER: That’s what happened.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a cartoonists’ expression for meaningless but fun details in comics.

In panel 1, there are a series of fliers, all with the same picture of a startled-looking cat, taped to the wall. The first one says “Lost Cat!” The second says “Never mind! Found it!” And the third says “Cat for sale!”

In panel 2, a poster taped to a shelving unit says “FORKLIFT IN USE” in large red letters, and in smaller letters below that, says “If crushed remember to clock out!”

In panel 3, a poster taped to the wall has a lot of little pink hearts and the lettering “The company loves you!”

And in panel 4,  a chyron scroll (that little scrolling text with allegedly breaking news at the bottom of news broadcasts) says “Chyron writers vote to unioni…,” and then on a second line in smaller lettering, “Networks announce new “AI Chyron” project will soon take…”

“Sex Is Real” Is A Euphemism | Patreon

Posted in LGBT cartoons, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Self-Medicating My ADHD

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by Nadine Scholtes and I.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same character, from the same angle. A woman sits at a messy table, in front of an open laptop. On the table are some crumpled napkins, an open Chinese food takeout container, random papers, random mugs (one near her elbow, presumably her current mug, and a few more pushed to the back), and an orange cat with a white chin and belly. The cat is either a large kitten or a small adult.

The woman has a green shirt with darker green sleeves, round glasses, and brunette hair tied back.

PANEL 1

The woman leans on one hand, with a frustrated expression; her other hand is in a fist on the table.

WOMAN (thought): Aaargh! Why can’t I be productive? Stupid ADHD!

PANEL 2

A hatch opens up on top of her head, and her brain – complete with cartoony eyes, a smiling mouth, and stick arms – pops out and speaks cheerfully. The woman seems unsurprised by this, leaning back and folding her arms.

BRAIN: I have an idea – why not beat yourself up about it?

WOMAN: Really, brain? We’ve tried that for decades. And it’s never worked!

PANEL 3

The Brain cheerfully hands the woman a mallet; the woman reaches a hand up to take it. She’s looking cheerful now.

BRAIN: That’s because you haven’t been beating yourself hard enough. This time it’ll work.

WOMAN: Oh, okay.

PANEL 4

The woman AND her brain are now both covered with bruises and bumps from being beaten so much; the woman has cracked her glasses and is missing a tooth. Both of them are cheerful, and both their word balloons are shaky looking.

BRAIN: It’ll start working aaany second now.

WOMAN: Thanks, brain!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. In this cartoon, the chicken fat involves cats, both in the foreground and in the background.

In the foreground, in panel one, the cat is looking a bit anxiously at the woman as it moves towards the open Chinese food container.

In panel two, the cat is leaning over the container, and her head is almost entirely within the container.

In panel three, the cat is licking its lips, with a deeply satisfied expression and a little heart floating over its head.

In panel four, the cat is busily licking its own butthole.

In the background, there’s a cat motivational poster on the wall. What’s cool is, the poster changes every panel, in response to the events happening with the main character.

These gags were contributed by Nadine, and I’ll quote bits of her comments about the posters.

In panel one, the cat is turning to look, coughing and cross-eyed. A “computer is loading” icon is above its head “like the brain is stuck.” The caption says UUUHHHH…

In panel two, a new cat has an expression of huge surprise on its face, like it’s surprised by the brain popping out. Caption says “WHAT?!”

In panel three, yet another cat – a fluffy white cat wearing round glasses and a bow tie – is staring out. The caption says “GENIUS!” Naomi explains, “because the brain has a ‘genius’ idea.”

In panel four, we have the hang in there cat, “because never give up!”

Self-Medicating My ADHD | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Uncategorized |

Only Some Can Be Objective

Cartoon by Barry

A cartoon by me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has three panels – although the final panel is divided into two sub-panels, as we shall see.

PANEL 1

In a newsroom (we can see a desk, and framed front-page stories on the wall), an older reporter, who is white and male, is talking to a younger Black reporter. The older reporter is wearing an off-white shirt with a red necktie; the younger reporter is a bit more casually dressed in a gray polo shirt. Let’s call the older reporter “NECKTIE.”

Necktie has his arms folded behind his back, and a condescending expression.

NECKTIE: Percy, you can’t write about police violence. You’re not objective.

PANEL 2

We are looking at Necktie again. In the background, we can see a young male reporter, with a red shirt and glasses, and a younger female reporter, wearing a jacket over a light pink blouse, both sitting behind desks.

NECKTIE: Just like Joey can’t write about trans issues.

NECKTIE: And Alicia tweeted about being sexually assaulted. So she can’t write sex crime stories. Reporters must be objective!

PANEL 3

This panel is divided into two sub-panels. The first panel shows Alicia, having stood up, speaking critically to Necktie; Necktie has his arms folded and is grinning.

ALICIA: But by that standard, isn’t everyone “biased”?

NECKTIE: Not quite everyone.

A thought balloon leads from Necktie’s head to the second (and larger) sub-panel. This panel shows Necktie, now wearing a jacket, a crown, and a sash that has “cis white male” printed on it, standing on a little platform so he’s above the other three reporters. The other three reporters are enthusiastically cheering for Necktie, and Alicia is swooning a bit with little hearts in the air around her head.

Behind Necktie is an enormous lit-up sign – the kind with a border made of light bulbs. The sign says, in large letters, “ALWAYS OBJECTIVE.” Balloons and confetti and roses fall from above. The balloons have lettering, which say things like “upper class” “white” “cis” “male” “abled” “thin” and “straight.”

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” means easily-overlooked and meaningless details in a cartoon the cartoonists put in, which maybe you (and they) find amusing. In this case, the chicken fat can be found in the framed newspapers on the walls in the background.

In panel 1, there are two such newspapers, each partly blocked by foreground elements and by word balloons. Both of them are for a newspaper named “Background Tribune.”

The first is almost entirely blocked by Necktie standing in front of it. But since I wrote it, I know that it says “NO ONE CAN READ THIS! Virtually Entire Text Hidden By Drawings.”

The second article is less blocked, and says “KISSINGER DEAD. Sun Shines Bright, Babies And Unicorns Celebrating.” (Although I wrote the script for this cartoon years ago, I added in the chicken fat on November 29 2023, the day Henry Kissinger died.)

In panel 2, the newspapers on the wall are such tiny elements of the background that I doubt anyone will be able to read them online (although they might be legible in the eventual book collection). The first says “NO ONE CAN READ THIS! This Text Is Simply Too Tiny To Be Legible.” The second says “NO ONE CAN READ THIS ONE EITHER. This Gag Is The Same As The Other One.”

Only Some Can Be Objective | Patreon

Posted in Media criticism, Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Racism & Racists, Sexism & Misogyny |

Nonbinaries Don’t Care About Your Bullshit

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by Nadine Scholtes and I!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. The first three panels show a man sitting on a sofa in front of his coffee table, and with a laptop on his, er, lap. Let’s call him “Big Doug.” He has his blonde hair combed back neatly, and is wearing a dark button-down shirt over blue jeans. A carton of take-out Chinese food, a soda, and a TV remote sit on the coffee table. His home, or what we can see of it, is large and nice, but also severely underdecorated (there are no pictures on the walls) and the lighting is desaturated and dull.

In each of the first three panels, the top of the panel is taken up by an image of the tweet Big Doug has just posted. (We can see on the tweets that “Big Doug” is the name he uses for his Twitter account.)

PANEL 1

Big Doug leans forward with an eager expression as he types on his laptop. Big Doug has just posted a tweet which says…

TWEET: There is no such thing as “non-binary.” It is a recent invention by people who want to identify as “Look at me.” That is all.

BIG DOUG: Hah! That’ll really piss the little freaks off!

PANEL 2

Big Doug leans back with his arms folded and an expression of someone who is happy with the job he’s done. He winks.

TWEET: Non-binary is the way ‘normies’ get to include themselves in the alphabet soup. That is all.

BIG DOUG: Maybe I “triggered” them and they’re too sad to reply. Ha! I bet the non-binaries are crying!

PANEL 3

A long shot shows Big Doug dwarfed by his high-ceilinged den. He looks puzzled.

TWEET: ‘Non-binary people must be respected.’ No, they do not. Reality must be respected, not delusions. That is all.

BIG DOUG (thought): Still nothing? Where are the non-binaries?

PANEL 4

We are outdoors; the sky is a bright blue with some small fluffy white clouds, and green trees frame the panel. Two young people are seated on a park bench, and a third, with pink hair peeking out from under a brown cap, leans over from behind the bench to show them something on their smartphone. All of them are dressed in bright colors (tending towards pastels in the case of one of them), and seem engaged and cheerful.

PINK HAIR: There’s a new k-pop dance. Wanna learn it?

PURPLE JACKET: Yes!

Nonbinaries Don’t Care About Your Bullshit | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Right-wingers |

Generations

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was drawn by the remarkable Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each of the panels shows the same two characters; a doctor, who is a white man in his forties, and a patient, who looks to be in his sixties at least. We’re in a medical examination room; the patient is sitting on the examination table, while the doctor stands.

PANEL 1

The doctor is holding an otoscope (which is that thing they use to examine ears). (Did you know that thing’s called an otoscope? I didn’t, I had to google it). The patient is not yelling or anything, but he’s sort of ranting a little.

DOCTOR: Hold still while I look in your ear.

PATIENT: i bought a coffee and this young “barista” was so rude!

PANEL 2

The doctor, wielding the otoscope, is peering into the patient’s ear with an expression of concentration. The patient is warming up to his rant.

DOCTOR: Mm hmmm

PATIENT: i swear these millennials are the worst!

PANEL 3

The doctor has crossed the room and is putting the otoscope away in a drawer (which means I won’t have an excuse to repeat the word “otoscope” in the next panel, alas). He has kind of a bored expression. The patient looks very surprised by what the doctor is saying.

DOCTOR: Actually, sir, I’m a millennial. We’re old now.

PATIENT: Really?

PANEL 4

The doctor is now holding a clipboard. (Instead of an otoscope.) (Ha! Found an excuse!) The doctor is looking amused, while the patient looks affronted, with his arms crossed.

DOCTOR: Yup. We’re all picking on gen Z now. but in a few years we’ll switch to gen Alpha.

PATIENT: Dammit! Why didn’t I get the memo on this?

CHICKEN FAT

Chicken fat are meaningless details that cartoonists sometimes put into cartoons to amuse ourselves. In this case, there’s a framed poster on the wall in the background. In panel 1, the poster has a realistic image of a human heart, with the caption “YOUR HEART” and then in smaller lettering “is kinda gross looking.”

The poster isn’t in frame in panel two. In panel three, the poster shows a cartoon doctor (who looks like a Muppet to me) glaring out at us. The caption says “Please tell the doctor your self-diagnosis you found online. Doctors love that.”

In panel 4, the poster of the doctor is still there, but the caption has been replaced with a lot of tiny, tiny text. The tiny text says: “I can’t believe you’re reading this tiny print, it’s not at all interesting. Watch tv instead. I honestly feel a bit guilty putting this here because I’m totally wasting your time. It’s just meaningless background text. On the other hand, it’s not like you’d be curing cancer if you weren’t reading this. But that’s okay. You’re good as you are. Read tiny print if you want to.”

Generations | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Uncategorized |

Why We Need Don’t Say Gay Laws

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon was drawn by the wonderful Nadine Scholtes. The unicorns and rainbows were Nadine’s idea, and I love them.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon ahs four panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel below the bottom of the cartoon.

PANEL 1

Two teenagers are standing in a library, and talking directly to the reader. Billy, the boy, is wearing a football uniform and carrying a football. The girl, Sally, is wearing a cheerleader outfit. Billy has his arm around Sally’s shoulders, and Sally is affectionately holding the arm.

BILLY: Hi! I’m Billy Allamerican, and this is my girlfriend Sally.

SALLY: We’re both extremely typical heterosexual high schoolers!

PANEL 2

A person wearing a rainbow-colored sweatshirt, matching their rainbox colored hair, and wearing a big peace sign pendant, and a pinback which says “THEY THEM,” comes in, talking to Billy and Sally. They’re holding up a book with a sparkling cover with the title BE GAY. Billy looks surprised, and Sally looks puzzled.

BILLY: Oh look, it’s Ms Woke, our school librarian!

WOKE: Hi, Kids! Have you read this gay book?

SALLY: What’s “Gay”?

PANEL 3

This panel has a large caption at the top, which says “LITERALLY ONE DAY LATER” in pink lettering.

The panel shows Billy and Sally, standing out on a field. There are smiling unicorns with rainbow manes and tails rearing up on either side of them, and a rainbow behind them. Everything is sparkling.

Billy is now dressed and posed as a stereotypical flaming gay man, wearing a pink shirt and tan capris. Sally is wearing black boots with big buckles and dark shorts and shirt, and is holding an electric razor and shaving one side of her head. Even though it’s been barely a day and her legs were totally hairless in panel one, we can see hair growing on her legs.

BILLY: Now that we’re gay, Sally, I’ve quit the football team to become a communist florist!

SALLY: That’s so cool, Billy! I’m going to shave my head and become a witch!

The panel border between panels 3 and 4 is a thought balloon.

PANEL 4

The right panel border of panel 3 is a thought balloon border, which leads to the head of the first speaker in panel 4 (indicating that panel 3 was in his imagination). There are two guys here; they’re sitting at a bar, with beers in mugs.

The first man is a gray-haired man with a beard and mustache, wearing a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a red necktie. He’s holding up one finger as if he’s making a point. We’ll call him NECKTIE.

The second man is bald and a little chubby, with a beard and mustache, and wearing a red plaid shirt. We’ll call him PLAID.

NECKTIE: And THAT’S why we need “Don’t Say Gay” laws!

PLAID: Makes sense.

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE BOTTOM OF THE CARTOON

Necktie and Sally (with a crew-cut and wearing dark makeup) are talking; Necktie is in a panic, while Sally is cheerful.

NECKTIE: Why would anyone be straight if we let them know there are other options?

SALLY: Exactly!

Why We Need Don’t Say Gay Laws | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Right-wingers |

Service Animal Blues

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is drawn by the wonderful Nadine Scholtes!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

We’re looking at three characters on a train.

The first character is a attractive man in his 20s or 30s, wearing jeans and a button-up shirt with rolled-up sleeves. There’s a suitcase on the floor next to him.

He’s smiling and leaning down to talk to the second character, a very handsome dog – specifically, a black and white bi-colored Australian Shepherd. The dog is wearing a red harness which includes a sign on the front saying “service dog.” The dog is looking straight ahead with a serious expression.

The third character is the dog’s human, sitting (we know she belongs to the dog because she’s got the loop of the dog’s leash around one wrist). She’s dressed in desaturated red pants with a short of puffy fringe on the cuffs, a pink front-button blouse, and is holding a purse in her lap. Most importantly, she’s asleep; her head is leaning against a wall, and she’s drooling a bit.

MAN: Aww, who’s a good dog?

DOG (thought): Dude! C’mon! I’m at work!

PANEL 2

A close-up of the dog, who is leaning its head to one side, away from the man’s hand. The dog has an annoyed expression.

DOG (thought): I’ve got responsibilities here. Don’t distract me!

DOG (thought): Do I come up and pat your head at your job?

PANEL 3

The man’s hand is now firmly petting the dog on the top of its head. The dog closes its eyes and endures.

DOG (thought): You’re lucky I’m a professional, or I’d so growl at you right now.

DOG (thought): But I will be writing a very sternly worded letter to the editor!

PANEL 4

The setting has switched to a newspaper office. Two people – a 30 or 40ish bald man struggling to hold a bunch of papers, and a 50 or 60sh woman in a brown business outfit – are standing in front of an partly open door with a sign that says “editor.” The woman is holding a letter open in front of her, with the torn-open envelope in the same hand, and is looking at it with bewilderment.

MAN: What’s that?

WOMAN: It’s… A piece of paper covered in paw prints?

Service Animal Blues | Patreon

Posted in Ableism, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

So Where Are You From?

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon drawn by Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each of the panels shows the same two youngish (20s or maybe 30s) women chatting at an outdoor party (there are lights strung in the air, and people milling about in the background). Both women are holding drinks. The sky is dark blue with stars faintly showing, indicating early evening.

The first woman is white. She’s wearing a red blouse, glasses, and has fashionably-cut straight hair, a bit long than shoulder length, with bangs. She’s holding a martini glass. Let’s call her “Glasses.”

The second woman looks like she has south Asian heritage. Her hair, also straight and fashionably cut, is parted on one side and ends an inch above her shoulders. She’s wearing a purple dress with a pattern of off-white flecks, and is carrying a brown saddlebag style purse over one shoulder. She’s drinking something out of a plain glass. Let’s call her “Dress.”

PANEL 1

Both women smile as they chat.

GLASSES: So where are you from?

DRESS: New York.

PANEL 2

Glasses, still smiling and maybe laughing a little, waves one hand in a dismissive manner. Dress is looking away, in a “can I get out of this conversation politely” sort of way.

GLASSES: No, where are you really from?

DRESS: Brooklyn. Look, just because I’m Asian doesn’t mean I’m not from America.

PANEL 3

An awkward moment. Both women take a sip from their drinks; Glasses looks away a bit, muttering.

GLASSES (small): Oh, right. Sorry…

PANEL 4

Smiling big again, Glasses rallies and asks Dress another question. Dress facepalms.

GLASSES: So where’d you learn to speak English so well?

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDER THE CARTOON

Barry the cartoonist, looking awkward and holding a drink with a slice of lime on the edge of the glass, is being talked at by Glasses, who has an aggrieved expression.

GLASSES: Why is she offended? It was a compliment.

So Where Are You From? | Patreon

Posted in Nadine Scholtes collaborations, Racism & Racists |

Gender Affirming Care Is Evil Except When It’s Not

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by Nadine Scholtes and I.

Posted in LGBT cartoons, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Dragscrolling

Cartoon by Barry

Welcome to new collaborator Nadine Scholtes!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has seven panels, all showing the same thing: A woman, seated at a desk in what looks like an apartment, clicking a mouse as she looks at her computer. Her blonde hair is held out of her face by a purple hairband, and she’s wearing a dark blue blouse with pink trim shaped like flower petals, and capri jeans.

PANEL 1

From behind, we see the woman looking at her monitor as she clicks her mouse (SFX: click click click). An orange and white cat sits on the floor, patting her leg with a paw to try and get attention. A window behind her shows daylight.

WOMAN (thought): There’s always a new one up…

PANEL 2

The woman leans her face on one hand, looking a bit frustrated and still manipulating her mouse (SFX: scroll scroll scroll). The cat is climbing up the chair, and the window behind her is getting darker.

WOMAN (thought): Where IS it?

PANEL 3

The woman continues to search (SFX:click scroll click), while the cat sits on the desk, tapping her on her arm with one paw.

WOMAN (thought): C’mon… I’ll find one somewhere.

PANEL 4

The woman leans forward a little, still looking annoyed. The cat, also annoyed, glares at her. It’s even darker outside.

WOMAN (thought): I’ll check the newsgroup.

PANEL 5

The woman rubs a hand through her hair, now looking not just frustrated but a little  mad as she keeps searching (SFX: scroll scroll scoll click). Her cat, unnoticed, jumps off the desk.

PANEL 6

The camera zooms in closer as the woman, fully angry now, pounds her fist on the desk. Behind her, we can see that it’s full dark and there are stars in the sky.

PANEL 7

This panel is larger than the other panels. The woman pushes her chair back, pointing a finger at the screen, and yells angrily. In the foreground, the cat walks away but looks back at her resentfully.

WOMAN: AHA! A picture of a MAN in a DRESS! WHY must they SHOVE it in my face?

Dragscrolling | Barry Deutsch on Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Conservatives, LGBT cartoons, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |